Category: Curios & Humor

As in the case of free health advice.

Like this health Q & A that I received by e-mail:

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

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Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO …… Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

I grew up in Alaska, so the importance of of THIS ARTICLE (from Reuters)  about not running into moose resonates with me somewhat, even though I now live in Arkansas.
I encountered moose on several occasions as a youngster, both intentionally and  un-.
Moose aren’t just big, they are huge – like a Jersey cow, but
homelier and with longer legs. I mean, you just won’t believe how
vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big they are.
For instance, when the article says that moose can stand 6 feet tall, that means at the shoulder, and the truth is they can be bigger than that.
Encountering moose accidentally is always a little unnerving, and in a moving vehicle it could be especially deadly. In an airplane… well, it would be bad. Looking for a way to keep moose from wandering onto airport runways would therefore be a noble pursuit.
Now the folks in Wasilla, Alaska have installed a Moose Irritating Device that shows great promise in keeping the dumb beasts from wandering into the path of unsuspecting Cessnas.
Archie Giddings, Public Works Director for Wasilla, explained the subtleties of the mechanism;

"They’d feel a shock and they’d also hear a snap. Those two things
would cause the moose to not go in there."

Giddings also described, in refreshingly anthropocentric terms, what a moose/airplane collision would be like;

"If they ever did come to the runway and have a collision with an
aircraft, that could be disastrous to the pilot," Giddings said. "An
airplane could disintegrate if it hits a moose.".

If successful, the device could soon be seen in airports all across the northern U.S., and we will all sleep a bit better, though the moose might be more irritable.
GET THE STORY.

In response to the quiz in which it was revealed that I have "the rare gift of bilocation" and am therefore *obviously* on the road to sainthood [she said, while ignoring the snickering and catcalls of readers who know her personally and are lining up to be the devil’s advocate for her cause], a reader asked:

"Michelle, after your beatification, what do you see yourself being the patron saint of? And what would be your first pick as a feast day? ;-)"

Thinking the question fun and important — hey, the first step to sainthood is considering sanctity to be an achievable goal — I’ve thought about it and decided: I’m putting in dibs to become the patron saint of crabby bloggers and would like my feast day to be the day on which Blogger was founded, which was sometime in August 1999. That way I can intercede both for crabby bloggers and for the smooth functioning of the technology that allows them to be public crabs.

Since everyone should consider sanctity to be an achievable goal, feel free to place dibs in the combox for the human endeavor for which you want to be a patron saint and the day you’d pick as a feast day were you consulted on the decision (keeping in mind that the Church usually assigns you the date on which you were born into the next life… in other words, the day you die).

Went grocery shopping tonight and discovered where Adrian Monk buys his groceries.

It’s a California chain called Albertson’s.

How do I know?

Gotta disinfect that shopping cart push bar!

"The guy gal the Pope should listen to"

God has given you the rare gift of bilocation.
With it, you can attend both the First Friday
devotions in honor of Our Lady of Fatima and
the parish bake sale committee meetings. We respect
you, mostly because we fear the incredible power
you wield in our parish.

Are You A Cultural Catholic?
brought to you by Quizilla

So, does anyone know how I let Pope Benedict know that he should be listening to me? In the interests of journalistic honesty and all that, I should note that I got this result on my second try. Seems I have yet to shake off my shady past as a WASP convert because the quiz outed me as one on my first try.

(Nod to Dyspeptic Mutterings for the link. Kudos to The Donegal Express for creating this "Put down the coffee mug, first!"-quiz.)

Canada may be home to evil reptilian kitten-eaters from another planet, but Florida is home to terrestrial kitten-eaters:

Miami Gardens, Florida – Elidia Rodriguez of Miami Gardens had been looking for her year-old Siamese cat for two days when her son pointed out the bulging Burmese python slithering in her backyard.

Experts say that bulge in the 12-foot snake is probably the missing 15-pound cat.

They python reported has not exploded since eating the cat, suggesting that cats cause less internal combustion in pythons than alligators.

GET THE STORY.
CHT to the reader who e-mailed!

The other day I was having routine maintenance done on my pickup and I noticed the employees of Jiffy Lube were wearing something VERY unusual that I had seen before:

This seems to prove that either Jiffy Lube is part of the BLUE SUN CORPORATION or that the Blue Sun Corporation will evolve out of Jiffy Lube, 500 years hence.

Or maybe it just means that Joss Whedon goes to Jiffy Lube.

Fortunately, none of their customers were bleeding from their eyes and fingernails.

What’s this?

I know, I know. It’s a house. But WHOSE house is it? Or was it? Or was it meant to be’s?

Therein lies a mystery.

NOTE: Sorry for the PIX-FLIX message that appeared here originally. I’m still hammering out the bugs from my moblogging systems and I accudentally sent the picture before getting to attach text to it.

Python Eats Aligator, Explodes . . .


EXCERPTS:

Alligators have clashed with nonnative pythons before in Everglades National Park. But when a 6-foot gator tangled with a 13-foot python recently, the result wasn’t pretty.

The snake apparently tried to swallow the gator whole _ and then exploded. Scientists stumbled upon the gory remains last week.

The species have battled with increasing frequency _ scientists have documented four encounters in the last three years.

The gators have had to share their territory with a python population that has swelled over the past 20 years after owners dropped off pythons they no longer wanted in the Everglades. The Asian snakes have thrived in the wet, hot climate.

"Encounters like that are almost never seen in the wild. … And we here are, it’s happened for the fourth time," Mazzotti said. In the other cases, the alligator won or the battle was an apparent draw.

"They were probably evenly matched in size," Mazzotti said of the latest battle. "If the python got a good grip on the alligator before the alligator got a good grip on him, he could win."

While the gator may have been injured before the battle began _ wounds were found on it that apparently were not caused by python bites _ Mazzotti believes it was alive when the battle began. And it may have clawed at the python’s stomach as the snake tried to digest it, leading to the blow up.

GET THE STORY.
(CHT to the reader who e-mailed.)

I can’t help but thinking that Toho Studios is going to be coming out with a Pynthona Vs. Gatora film sometime soon.

 

. . . is much more dependable than The Onion. It’s like The Onion except it’s MUCH less offensive.

Oh, and it’s about Christianity.

Here’s a sample story:

Hip youth pastor now completely unintelligible

AUSTIN — After immersing himself in popular slang phrases, youth leader Dave Jackson has become completely unintelligible to members of his church, even the youth.

"We stopped understanding him about a month ago," says Tanya Gooden, 17, of his youth group. "It was a slow process. Now when he preaches we have to assume a lot of things by his tone, not his words."

Jackson, tracked down at his church office, told a reporter, "Fo shizzle, my nizzle, it’s the big mack tizzle, you trackin’? The get-down was off the hook, bra. Big-time ace. Dey scened until the old folk rolled in and the crew got dot gone. Good Sunday, bra."

Jackson can no longer speak plain English even if he wishes to. At times he desperately tries to cross the chasm of incomprehension he has built. For senior pastor Rich Leonard, that’s not good enough.

"He’s about to shizzle himself right out of a job," Leonard says [SOURCE].

CHT to the reader who e-mailed!