A reader writes:
Dear Jimmy,
I was wondering if you could help me, im rather at my wits end and i dont know what to do. I read an article on your website dated March 08, 2004 and it was a real eye-opener.
For about 8 months now i have been really struggling with bad thoughts. I am a young christian, who by no means is perfect, but i love God and respect him. However the bad thoughts that i have are pure evil, often satanic in nature and anti-God.
They upset me so much, everyday i am often in tears asking for forgiveness. I then get scared that they are going to come true against me or my family and loved ones. I would never ever want them to come true, i would never do them and i hate them but i dont know what to do to get rid of them.
Your article stated that it is best to ignore them, but i feel i cant as these are so bad and so against God that i need to ask for forgiveness. How can i ignore something so evil?
I dont wish to burden you with my problems but i dont want to be this bad person anymore. I just want them to go away so that i can lead a good life, pleasing God not upsetting him.
I want to begin by saying that my heart goes out to you. You are carrying a very special cross that is close to Jesus’ heart. I will pray for you and I ask all who read this to pray for you, as well as for all who suffer from this condition.
I cannot make a medical diagnosis as I am not a doctor, but it sounds very much to me like you are suffering from an episode of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that is manifesting itself as sinful thoughts. I am virtually certain from what you have said that this is what is happening in your case.
First, a little info on OCD:
- HERE ARE THE OFFICIAL DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA FOR OCD, ALONG WITH NOTES FROM THE DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL OF THE AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION.
- HERE’S A WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE ON OCD.
One of the characteristics of OCD is that it generates obsessions, which are recurrent thoughts that one cannot get rid of, that one finds painful, and that are "ego-dystonic." That is, you feel like they just force their way into your mind unbidden, even though you don’t want them there.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder where part of your mind tries to throw painful thoughts at you in order to increase your stress level. The reason you get recurrent thoughts about sin rather than thoughts about happy things is that these thoughts pain you. That’s what the condition tries to do: Give you painful thoughts.
It is obvious from what you write that you do not want these thoughts, that you hate having them and want desperately to be rid of them.
That’s good!
It shows that these thoughts are ego-dystonic and thus (THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART) they are NOT SINFUL.
Merely having a thought occur to you is not a sin, no matter how bad the thought it. At most, having the thought occur to you is just temptation. It only becomes sin if you endorse it with your will. But the fact that you clearly do not want these thoughts and that you oppose them means that you are not consenting with your will (CERTAINLY not in the fully human way needed to commit a mortal sin).
As a result, you are shouldering a particular kind of cross–or, to use a better analogy–you are wearing a particular crown of thorns. That means that you are especially close to Jesus’ heart, because that he looks with special compassion on those who suffer in this manner.
Now let me give you several pieces of good news, which I’ll follow up on below:
- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU HAVE THIS CONDITION!
- THIS CONDITION IS TREATABLE!
- YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
- THESE THOUGHTS ARE NOT SINFUL!
- GOD LOVES YOU!
In regard to the first piece of good news, it is not your fault that you have OCD. It is a condition that is rooted in the biology of the brain. In particular, it seems to be related to a deprivation of the neurotransmitter serotonin.
In regard to the second piece of good news, the condition in very responsive to treatment. You CAN get better. You DON’T have to feel this way. While you may or may not be able to completely eliminate the thoughts that you are having, you can get a grip on them so that they are not causing you the kind of torture that they are now. I’ll say more about treatment below.
In regard to the third piece of good news, OCD is a very common condition. About one in every 40 people has OCD. (Consequently, there are lots of OCD resources and support groups out there.)
In regard to the fourth piece of good news, I’ve already sketched the basis for it: These thoughts are not things you are endorsing with your will (certainly not in a human manner) and so they at most represent temptation (and really not even that since you aren’t attracted but rather horrified by them).
In regard to the fifth piece of good news: It’s true! GOD LOVES YOU! He will be with you while you deal with this condition, and he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Now let’s talk treatment. I have a significant amount of familiarity with this as I encounter a good number of OCD folks in my line of work. In fact, some of the other readers of the blog have OCD. Here’s what I can recommend regarding treatment:
- Go to a doctor, preferably a psychiatrist, and get diagnosed.
- With the doctor, explore getting on a medication known as a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI), which is the class of drugs that has been shown to have a marked impact on OCD symptoms. Other medications may be helpful as well, but the SSRIs generally are the main ones used.
- If your symptoms do not require medication, consider using the nutritional supplements like 5-HTP, which is a precursor of serotonin and thus has a similar effect to an SSRI: Increasing the amount of serotonin in the brain. (NOTE! DO NOT USE THIS NUTRITIONAL SUPPLEMENT AND THE DRUGS MENTIONED ABOVE AT THE SAME TIME WITHOUT A DOCTOR’S SUPERVISION!)
- Get cognitive-behavioral therapy or counselling to help you work your way past the thoughts. This is important as medications alone don’t make all the thoughts go away. You can get this kind of therapy from a psychiatrist or psychologist.
- Consider joining an online or face-to-face support group for OCD sufferers.
- Watch the TV show Monk on USA Network. It’s about a detective who has OCD and who manages to be a productive member of society anyway. In fact, his OCD makes him a better detective as he notices (and obsesses about) details that nobody else spots. Many OCD folks really appreciate this show and say it helps them in that it offers a sympathetic portrait of someone with their conditions, lets them laugh about it, and lets them see their condition from an "outside" perspective.
- When you are in confession, DO NOT attempt to laboriously explain all of the thoughts that you are having. Attempting to do this will reinforce and re-awaken the thoughts. This gives you an excusing cause from making a materially integral confession in regard to the thoughts–which you really don’t need to do anyway since they aren’t sinful since you don’t approve of them, but I know you’ll feel the need to confess them (if you’re Catholic). Here’s how to do that. Say this: "I have obsessive compulsive disorder, which causes me to have thoughts of a sinful nature that I do not want and do not approve of. I wish to confess any slight degree of cooperation of the will I may have given to these thoughts." And LEAVE IT AT THAT.
- Talk to your doctor/counselor/spiritual director about the need not to dwell on these thoughts in confession. Once they tell you (as they will) that dwelling on these thoughts has a tendency to reinforce and re-awaken them and that it is better not to dwell on them in detail in confession you can say to any priest who asks, "I have been told by a medical professional/my spiritual director that I should not confess these in detail lest it make the problem worse." (If nothing else, you can say that "a professional" told you this since I have told you and I’m a professional.)
- If you’re not Catholic, you should seriously investigate becoming Catholic (a) because Catholicism is true and (b) because the sacrament of confession will provide tremendous relief for you. There is nothing like having a priest authorized by God to absolve your sins (John 20:21-23) do so. When you can rely on the sacrament, you won’t have to worry about trying to do mental rituals in order to try to "feel" forgiven. Also, Catholics have long pastoral experience in dealing with folks who have conditions like this. In Protestant circles there are few established means for dealing with the condition known as scrupulosity (which correlates highly with OCD). Indeed, the term generally isn’t known in Protestant circles. But these are much better understood in Catholic circles.
- Finally, to the extent you possibly can, simply ignore the thoughts. Relax and put them out of your head. You may find it helpful to say to yourself: "Sorry! But I’m not allowed to listen to that part of myself!"
Hope this helps, and God bless!
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