A Crown Of Thorns

A reader writes:

Dear Jimmy,

I was wondering if you could help me, im rather at my wits end and i dont know what to do. I read an article on your website dated March 08, 2004 and it was a real eye-opener.

For about 8 months now i have been really struggling with bad thoughts. I am a young christian, who by no means is perfect, but i love God and respect him. However the bad thoughts that i have are pure evil, often satanic in nature and anti-God.

They upset me so much, everyday i am often in tears asking for forgiveness. I then get scared that they are going to come true against me or my family and loved ones. I would never ever want them to come true, i would never do them and i hate them but i dont know what to do to get rid of them.

Your article stated that it is best to ignore them, but i feel i cant as these are so bad and so against God that i need to ask for forgiveness. How can i ignore something so evil?

I dont wish to burden you with my problems but i dont want to be this bad person anymore. I just want them to go away so that i can lead a good life, pleasing God not upsetting him.

I want to begin by saying that my heart goes out to you. You are carrying a very special cross that is close to Jesus’ heart. I will pray for you and I ask all who read this to pray for you, as well as for all who suffer from this condition.

I cannot make a medical diagnosis as I am not a doctor, but it sounds very much to me like you are suffering from an episode of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that is manifesting itself as sinful thoughts. I am virtually certain from what you have said that this is what is happening in your case.

First, a little info on OCD:

One of the characteristics of OCD is that it generates obsessions, which are recurrent thoughts that one cannot get rid of, that one finds painful, and that are "ego-dystonic." That is, you feel like they just force their way into your mind unbidden, even though you don’t want them there.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder where part of your mind tries to throw painful thoughts at you in order to increase your stress level. The reason you get recurrent thoughts about sin rather than thoughts about happy things is that these thoughts pain you. That’s what the condition tries to do: Give you painful thoughts.

It is obvious from what you write that you do not want these thoughts, that you hate having them and want desperately to be rid of them.

That’s good!

It shows that these thoughts are ego-dystonic and thus (THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART) they are NOT SINFUL.

Merely having a thought occur to you is not a sin, no matter how bad the thought it. At most, having the thought occur to you is just temptation. It only becomes sin if you endorse it with your will. But the fact that you clearly do not want these thoughts and that you oppose them means that you are not consenting with your will (CERTAINLY not in the fully human way needed to commit a mortal sin).

As a result, you are shouldering a particular kind of cross–or, to use a better analogy–you are wearing a particular crown of thorns. That means that you are especially close to Jesus’ heart, because that he looks with special compassion on those who suffer in this manner.

Now let me give you several pieces of good news, which I’ll follow up on below:

  1. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU HAVE THIS CONDITION!
  2. THIS CONDITION IS TREATABLE!
  3. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
  4. THESE THOUGHTS ARE NOT SINFUL!
  5. GOD LOVES YOU!

In regard to the first piece of good news, it is not your fault that you have OCD. It is a condition that is rooted in the biology of the brain. In particular, it seems to be related to a deprivation of the neurotransmitter serotonin.

In regard to the second piece of good news, the condition in very responsive to treatment. You CAN get better. You DON’T have to feel this way. While you may or may not be able to completely eliminate the thoughts that you are having, you can get a grip on them so that they are not causing you the kind of torture that they are now. I’ll say more about treatment below.

In regard to the third piece of good news, OCD is a very common condition. About one in every 40 people has OCD. (Consequently, there are lots of OCD resources and support groups out there.)

In regard to the fourth piece of good news, I’ve already sketched the basis for it: These thoughts are not things you are endorsing with your will (certainly not in a human manner) and so they at most represent temptation (and really not even that since you aren’t attracted but rather horrified by them).

In regard to the fifth piece of good news: It’s true! GOD LOVES YOU! He will be with you while you deal with this condition, and he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Now let’s talk treatment. I have a significant amount of familiarity with this as I encounter a good number of OCD folks in my line of work. In fact, some of the other readers of the blog have OCD. Here’s what I can recommend regarding treatment:

  1. Go to a doctor, preferably a psychiatrist, and get diagnosed.
  2. With the doctor, explore getting on a medication known as a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI), which is the class of drugs that has been shown to have a marked impact on OCD symptoms. Other medications may be helpful as well, but the SSRIs generally are the main ones used.
  3. If your symptoms do not require medication, consider using the nutritional supplements like 5-HTP, which is a precursor of serotonin and thus has a similar effect to an SSRI: Increasing the amount of serotonin in the brain. (NOTE! DO NOT USE THIS NUTRITIONAL SUPPLEMENT AND THE DRUGS MENTIONED ABOVE AT THE SAME TIME WITHOUT A DOCTOR’S SUPERVISION!)
  4. Get cognitive-behavioral therapy or counselling to help you work your way past the thoughts. This is important as medications alone don’t make all the thoughts go away. You can get this kind of therapy from a psychiatrist or psychologist.
  5. Consider joining an online or face-to-face support group for OCD sufferers.
  6. Watch the TV show Monk on USA Network. It’s about a detective who has OCD and who manages to be a productive member of society anyway. In fact, his OCD makes him a better detective as he notices (and obsesses about) details that nobody else spots. Many OCD folks really appreciate this show and say it helps them in that it offers a sympathetic portrait of someone with their conditions, lets them laugh about it, and lets them see their condition from an "outside" perspective.
  7. When you are in confession, DO NOT attempt to laboriously explain all of the thoughts that you are having. Attempting to do this will reinforce and re-awaken the thoughts. This gives you an excusing cause from making a materially integral confession in regard to the thoughts–which you really don’t need to do anyway since they aren’t sinful since you don’t approve of them, but I know you’ll feel the need to confess them (if you’re Catholic). Here’s how to do that. Say this: "I have obsessive compulsive disorder, which causes me to have thoughts of a sinful nature that I do not want and do not approve of. I wish to confess any slight degree of cooperation of the will I may have given to these thoughts." And LEAVE IT AT THAT.
  8. Talk to your doctor/counselor/spiritual director about the need not to dwell on these thoughts in confession. Once they tell you (as they will) that dwelling on these thoughts has a tendency to reinforce and re-awaken them and that it is better not to dwell on them in detail in confession you can say to any priest who asks, "I have been told by a medical professional/my spiritual director that I should not confess these in detail lest it make the problem worse." (If nothing else, you can say that "a professional" told you this since I have told you and I’m a professional.)
  9. If you’re not Catholic, you should seriously investigate becoming Catholic (a) because Catholicism is true and (b) because the sacrament of confession will provide tremendous relief for you. There is nothing like having a priest authorized by God to absolve your sins (John 20:21-23) do so. When you can rely on the sacrament, you won’t have to worry about trying to do mental rituals in order to try to "feel" forgiven. Also, Catholics have long pastoral experience in dealing with folks who have conditions like this. In Protestant circles there are few established means for dealing with the condition known as scrupulosity (which correlates highly with OCD). Indeed, the term generally isn’t known in Protestant circles. But these are much better understood in Catholic circles.
  10. Finally, to the extent you possibly can, simply ignore the thoughts. Relax and put them out of your head. You may find it helpful to say to yourself: "Sorry! But I’m not allowed to listen to that part of myself!"

Hope this helps, and God bless!

20

Author: Jimmy Akin

Jimmy was born in Texas, grew up nominally Protestant, but at age 20 experienced a profound conversion to Christ. Planning on becoming a Protestant seminary professor, he started an intensive study of the Bible. But the more he immersed himself in Scripture the more he found to support the Catholic faith, and in 1992 he entered the Catholic Church. His conversion story, "A Triumph and a Tragedy," is published in Surprised by Truth. Besides being an author, Jimmy is the Senior Apologist at Catholic Answers, a contributing editor to Catholic Answers Magazine, and a weekly guest on "Catholic Answers Live."

22 thoughts on “A Crown Of Thorns”

  2. Great jumping gravy on a stick, Jimmy, that was magnificent! I can’t imagine a better, clearer, more charitable response. Think how many people will be helped by reading that and think how many more would be helped if only they could read that.
    Oh, and Barbara: well said, I’m off to the cookie jar for some preventive maintenance!

  4. The part about not being alone is worthy of repeating. I freely admit I suffer from it, and suffer is in its truest form.
    I really hope I’m not breaking Da’ Rulz here, but it’s also worthy advice for OCD sufferers to stay away from caffeine and alcohol, as the obssessions and compulsions lead to anxiety, and the anxiety often leads to depression. Since stiumlants and depressants can lead to either or both of these effects, it’s best to stay away from them.
    It’s also worthy to reiterate to find someone you can trust and lay it all out on the table. It’s amazing how much better you’ll feel if you can admit to some of the thoughts.
    Finally, treat it as an illness and ask for the grace and mercy of the Lord Jesus to heal you of it. I know firsthand how paralyzing even prayer can be. It’s easy to avoid because you’re afraid bad thoughts will occur when you’re trying to talk to God. You get anxiety about the anxiety so to speak. But He understands and wants to help.
    Again, if I broke the Da’ Rulz, I apologize, but I can certainly empathize with this individual. It’s downright traumatic at times, and you’re a hostage to your own mind.

  5. And print out the Ten Commandmants for the Scrupulous Javier provides and keep them. It’s a tremendously helpful resource.

  6. Barb: I appreciate the input, but I think I’m gonig to have to challenge you on this. Do you have any studies that show low-carbing depresses serotonin levels?
    My impression (and I know a *lot* about low-carb dieting) is that such diets would be a great *help* to people with OCD as they eliminate the massive swings up and down in blood sugar caused by carbohydrate consumption. They make your energy level more regular and thus should have a calming effect on OCD.
    It is true that eating carbs will increase serotonin levels (so will getting exercise), but that doesn’t mean that not eating carbs puts one into a serotonin deficiency. At best, a high-sugar snack is going to give you a temporary serotonin boost, but the long term effects of eating sugary/starchy snacks to help with OCD will be far worse for you than any help they may offer.
    As soon as the sugar buzz wears off, your energy level will plummet and you’ll feel bad, making you vulnerable to the OCD, and over time the weight gain, increasingly sedentary lifestyle, and fluctuations with your energy level will make you feel cruddy and unhappy and foster the OCD.
    A far better solution would be to do a few minutes exercise and pump up your serotonin that way.

  9. Another comment: neurotransmitters often have antagonist effects, keeping certain circuits in balance. Another key effect in OCD, perhaps more important then serotonin, is the up-regulation of dopamine in what is called the nigrostriate path. Different paths also involving dopamine are implicated in addiction.

  12. ALL Catholics (yea, all Christians) who suffer from mental illnesses of any kind need both a good doctor and a good and holy priest. I know you said this, Jimmy; I just wanted to underscore it.
    I have found it very helpful to pray for discernment and to discuss any strange and sudden impulses that may arise.
    Wish I had the nerve to sign my name, but it’s still hard to feel safe in the world or the Church as a “crazy person.”
    Thanks for your kind and compassionate words, Jimmy.
    St. Bernard Labre, pray for us.

  13. Well said, Jimmy! There is also an archived episode of “Catholic Answers Live” dealing with scrupulosity, with Fr. Thomas Santa from Scrupulous Anonymous. A search on Catholic.com for “scrupulosity” should bring it up.

  14. ALL Catholics (yea, all Christians) who suffer from mental illnesses of any kind need both a good doctor and a good and holy priest. I know you said this, Jimmy; I just wanted to underscore it.
    This is very true. I spent the last few years suffering horribly from clinical depression and a general anxiety disorder. There are a lot of good doctors and good priests in my life, but I’m particularly grateful for my confessor, a good priest and a good doctor. He didn’t treat me, of course, but his medical experience made him wonderful to aid me.

  16. Thanks for thatpost! my 11 yr old daughter suffers from this but doesn’t accept my explanation that it is not her fault. I’m so glad to have some direction for her. I’m going to start with vitamin therapy (it helped me with post-partem depression) before I take her in as she considers Dr’s appts a form of child abuse.

  17. I have one word for your correspondent: LUVOX.
    I have had OCD–at least in mild form–most of my life. About 15 years ago, it became exponentially worse. (Around the same time, I developed Graves’ Disease–overactive thyroid–and I suspect that this condition, which puts one’s whole body into overdrive, had something to do with the sudden worsening of the OCD.)
    I was tormented continually by ego-dystonic, unwanted, obtrusive thoughts–and tormented further by fearing that I’d somehow accepted or encouraged them. It was a living hell. I saw a Christian therapist, who helped me see that the thoughts were ego-dystonic and that there was no culpability involved. But the torment didn’t abate. Finally, the therapist referred me to a psychiatrist, who prescribed an SSRI–Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. First I took Anafranil, which worked great but had severe side effects. Then, once it became available in the U.S., I started taking Luvox, which also works great but has far fewer side effects.
    The results were like the proverbial night and day. Luvox saved my life–or at least my sanity. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
    Please ask a reputable psychiatrist about Luvox! (No, I don’t get a commission.)
    God bless and many prayers…
    Diane
    P.S. I’m no doctor, but I agree with others here–your symptoms are [i]classic[/i] OCD.

  18. I just have to say something that has helped me with being afraid God is going to spite me.
    When i think bad thoughts i just think to myself, god cant be fooled by ocd! hE KNOWS IM NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN OR UN RELIGIOUS!! I think u just have to realize that. God is not easily fooled.

  19. Seratonin doesn’t trigger OCD; it’s a lack of them that’s the problem. SSRI’s help because the prevent the reabsorption of seratonin by the brain.
    Everyone- especially Christians of any denomination (we have Catholics as well as Protestants and Lutherans- and no, not all of us Lutherans consider ourselves Protestants- in our group) are invited to join The Scrupe Group at http://tinyurl.com/ag6ch . We’re a mutual support group for scrupulosity, made of of Christian OCD sufferers and their families.

  20. Help. My son and his wife just had their first baby and very soon thereafter she began acting extremely possessive, going so far as to get angry at my wife for carrying the baby into the kitchen and “…out of my sight.” Since then, things have fallen apart. She got mad at me over a silly joke, for which I immediately apologized, then she proceeded to lecture me in a nasty tone of voice. In rapid succession and despite the fact that my wife and I and our two boys have always had a loving family, Pam and I and my oldest son, Josh, have now been totally disowned from “their family” for “not following the rules.” and other ridicuous minutue. Timmy will not even talk to us or answer calls or e-mails. Pam is taking medicine for depression and anxiety for the first time in her life and it truly sounds like we’ve actually lost our son and our grandbaby (our very first one) despite two years of helping both of them with college, giving – not loaning, but giving – them tons of money, helping them in every way possible. She acts like some girl I’ve never known in all my life and Timmy is getting the same way, only I truly believe he’s under tremendous pressure from her and doesn’t know what to do, but will not seek us out for help for whatever reason. Is there anything you can help me to understand here? We’re truly wonderful and loving parents. Tim’s the second of our only two boys. Losing him is like losing our heart. I don’t know what the URL means up above, so I’m sorry I didn’t fill it out. Please help. Mark

  21. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this post. I was recently diagnosed with OCD and this article was very helpful.
    I believe a lot of good devout people suffer this in silence and fear without even knowing it has a name. (I know I did!) In my own search for info I realized it was really hard to find info about it in a Catholic context. So thank you. I will be linking it in my blog. Thanks.

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