A reader writes:
Thank you for your website. I have a question – I’m Catholic, my husband is not. 4 years ago, I talked him out of a vasectomy after the birth of our 2nd daughter, and convinced him that we could use NFP to not conceive (I wanted more children, he didn’t, I can provide more details if needed). Recently, I discovered I am pregnant. My husband was, surprisingly, happy, said he knew it could happen, that this was obviously God’s will, and that he’s going to get a vasectomy. I again voiced all my objections to it, and he, knowing that I am completely opposed to it, is going to go ahead with the vasectomy.
My question is, if I have intercourse with my husband after he has the vasectomy am I committing a sin? My brother-in-law pointed out that it is grounds for annulment, and made a comment that sounded like he assumed I wouldn’t be having intercourse with my husband after the vasectomy.
Your brother-in-law is mistaken in regarding this situation, as tragic as it is, as grounds for an annulment. (It is not.) He is also mistaken in (apparently) regarding continued conjugal relations with your husband as sinful.
Here is what the Church’s Vademecum for Confessors has to say regarding this kind of situation:
13. Special difficulties are presented by cases of cooperation in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infecund [i.e., who use contraception or who have themselves sterilized]. In the first place, it is necessary to distinguish cooperation in the proper sense, from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses, which the other spouse in fact cannot resist. This cooperation [i.e., continuing to have relations]can be licit when the three following conditions are jointly met:
- when the action of the cooperating spouse is not already illicit in itself;
- when proportionally grave reasons exist for cooperating in the sin of the other spouse;
- when one is seeking to help the other spouse to desist from such conduct (patiently, with prayer, charity and dialogue; although not necessarily in that moment, nor on every single occasion).
In your case, condition (1) is fulfilled because you, the cooperating spouse, are not being asked to do anything illicit in itself (e.g., you are not being asked to use contraception). Condition (2) is presumably fulfilled since it would likely do grave harm to your marriage if you permanently stopped conjugal relations. And condition (3) is presumably fulfilled since you will presumably over the course of time encourage your husband to repent of his action (though this may not mean a reversal of the vasectomy; just a repentence of having done it).
Assuming matter are as just described, it would appear that continuing conjugal relations with your husband after his vasectomy would be morally licit.
I hope, however, that you will be able to dissuade him from this course of action. You might try asking him to put it off for a while since it will obviously be a while before the new child is born and you are fertile again. This would give him time to think over the matter in more depth.
Hope this helps, and God bless!
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It is important to tell him that a vasectomy isn’t free of risks. There is a considerable increase in prostate cancer of patients and there is also usually a wide array of negative symptoms (pain, lethargy, etc.) that occur afterwards.
Have your husband go to http://dontfixit.org/ before deciding to have a vasectomy. It was written by a friend of my brother’s who has chronic debilitating pain arising from his vasectomy.
And condition (3) is presumably fulfilled since you will presumably over the course of time encourage your husband to repent of his action (though this may not mean a reversal of the vasectomy; just a repentence of having done it).
If the Church’s Magisterium has taught something authoritative on this I am unaware of it. Getting a vasectomy may well have permanent moral consequences in addition to permanent physical consequences. Don’t let anyone (including our blog host) convince you that this is less than a very grave matter, or that he can always repent and that will make everything just fine.
You ought to do everything morally within your power to convince your husband not to go through with this, literally as if you were trying to talk him out of robbing a bank or committing murder. Intentional sterilization is a gravely evil act.
I just want to point out to Zippy that ANY “gravely evil” act/sin is pardonable as long as the person is alive and capable of repenting. In fact, I believe the church has a teaching about how the intensity of the sin lessens according to the disposition of the person committing it. If the person is regretful and still goes ahead with it, it IS still a grave sin, yet the church does not discount the mercy of God. We cannot truly know the psyche of the person committing the act. I used to be one of those “THAT’s A GRAVE SIN, YOU SHOULD NOT DO THAT” type of people. But now, having gone through crises, I am more aware of people’s dilemma and that a straight “Thou shalt NOT” is not as simple as people think it is. It’s easier to preach than to practice. And when your own faith has been more than just “tested” to the point that you border feeling betrayed/agnosticism and rebellious atheism (the kind when you say: “are YOU (God) even there? and if you are, you don’t seem to care much” type of spiritual dilemma, it’s not as simple as saying: “this is a sin” because you just go: well, if it is, what does God care about me anyway? Don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to even try to preach to me. I was one of those devoted ones, even taught young adults apologetics for years. Studied MOST of Scott Hahn’s tapes and went to Catholic Family conferences devotedly. I studied the Bible since I was 8 years old and was teaching Bible Study, Apologetics and Church History for years. I LOVE THE CHURCH, STILL DO, AND ALWAYS WILL, that’s actually why I still have a “Catholic conscience”. My “relationship” with God is what’s on the rocks right now, and it’s the hardest thing because I have to force myself to teach my 2 year old baby about faith in God and loving God, even though deep inside me, it cuts like a knife because I am still VERY hurt and angry with God too. NFP has failed us twice, and self-ingrained training makes me squeamish about ANY birth control. However, it’s with me, although I am having a rough time with God, I try to avoid getting my husband to “commit sin” even though he’s not even catholic yet (he’s studying to be and I’m encouraging him). What I mean to say is this: I am in the desert right now, and pretty much whether something is a sin or not becomes a moot point–the feeling of abandonment and betrayal by God is something I’m still working on, and yes, my husband and I have used birth control more because my husband and I don’t trust NFP much anymore and we CANNOT afford a pregnancy-healthwise, financially or just plain mentally for me. Talking to our friend priest who is VERY devout (he actually studied at a seminary across the street from where Padre Pio lived), he said that I have to be patient with myself, that God will find me. I just hope it won’t be too late, but then again if he’s God, he’s never late, right? My point is this: NEVER GIVE ABSOLUTES ESPECIALLY WITH PERSONAL ACTS. A murder is definitely more heinous and graver, because it directly affects society immediately, not just the victime or the doer. Personal sins like birth control, vasectomy, etc. are a more private matter–IT’S BETWEEN GOD AND THE SINNER. It suffices to say that you inform the person of the gravity of the act. To sound judgmental while giving advice is NOT an act of charity, nor will it help either. And if there is a God, then, maybe prayers will help, otherwise, leave it be.
“NFP has failed us twice, and self-ingrained training makes me squeamish about ANY birth control…”
So, how has NFP failed you?
By giving you two children?