Category: Curios & Humor

This isn’t a meeting of the JA.O Literary Club, but Spencer Allen sent me the following short story he wrote. (I especially like the way Soapy’s voice works.) Enjoy!

The Dan-Brown-Wants-Your-Money Code

By Spencer Allen

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FACT:

All imitations of tacky prose, corny dialogue, and Christian-bashing bigotry in this parody are accurate.

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      In possession of the shocking and suppressed truth about The Da Vinci Code, our hero Rupert Handsome evades the relentless pursuit of psuedo-intellectual conspiracy theorists and anti-Christian zealots.  Finally, accompanied by the naïve, yet beautiful Soapy Neauclieu, he seeks refuge at the home of his close friend, Sir Steve Teapot.   

      As Handsome tore through the night, a thick wall of quiet elms eventually gave way to a sprawling estate, within which a massive two-story house sat a safe distance back from an impregnable black gate.

      “My goodness,” Soapy said, her voice trembling with ecstasy. “Is that where Teapot lives?”

      “Hardly.”  Handsome smiled.  “That’s the house Dan Brown built after the con job he pulled on Christians.  Teapot lives a few miles down the road.”

      They raced into the night until finally pulling into the driveway of a small white house, where a single light shined from an upstairs bedroom.

Continue reading “Maybe Ron Howard Should Have Made This Movie”

SEPARATED AT BIRTH?

Yes!

Proof!

Live footage of the Easter Bunny’s never ending war against mankind!

(Which the filmmakers take a little over the top in my opinion.)

(And there is a mildly impolite word for one’s posterior at the end of the film.)

Nevertheless,

GET THE VIDEO.
(CHT to the reader who e-mailed.)

Lawyers make a lot of bizarre motions in court (at least some of them do), but I don’t think I’ve ever seen one this bizarre before.

(Click to enlarge.)

READ THE WHOLE THING (AND THE RESPONSE BY THE OTHER SIDE)
(CHT: Southern Appeal)

Be sure to note the part where the part about having the lawyers drunk and stoned friends present so they don’t get beat up too bad.

If your kids are at an age where they’re doubting the existence of the Easter Bunny, you can always show them this picture.

GET THE STORY.

And before anyone else says it:

No, it is I who will eat you!

Now. Will someone please tell me where that tagline originated?

Feel free to caption the photo.

A reader writes:

Jimmy, Just writing to say I was a little perturbed by the attached photo I saw on the Catholic Answers website.  Has everything been okay around the studio?

I was thinking about how the different meat industries have their own slogans, like:

BEEF! It’s What’s For Dinner!

Or

PORK! The Other White Meat!

Or

CHICKEN! . . . (Actually, I don’t know if there’s a chicken slogan.)

But maybe the meat industry as a whole needs to have a slogan to put up a united front against the ravening hordes of vegetarianism.

Homer Simpson’s shrewd observation could be a good one:

If God didn’t want us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of meat.

But then it’s good advertising practice to advertise new and improved features of your product (even if they aren’t new and improved), so maybe something like:

ANIMALS! Now With A Yummy, Meat-Filled Center!

Just a thought.

What would your meat industry slogan be?

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new
BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window
and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in
your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing
flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his lap top and connected it to a cell
phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database
and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.

He sent an e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer
then turns to the Shepherd and says, You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his
car.

Then the Shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That’s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up
here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crud about my business.
Now give me back my dog."

Tim Powers (who says it’s okay to blog this) writes:

Did I tell you about the time a crowd of Jehovah’s Witnesses came to our house to tell us the truth about Jesus? I had read their pamphlet on why the Trinity is a bogus idea, and it quoted a whole bunch of the Fathers, as well as the Will & Ariel Durant History of Civilization, and I assembled all the full quotes that their pamphlet had given out-of-context phrases from, and I was well into my devastating rebuttal, when I —

Well, my eyes are no good, and I’ve got to read with a magnifying glass. And we were outside, and I said, "Let me see your Bible, and I’ll show youright in it  why you’re wrong. I won’t use a Catholic Bible, since you’d believe theyr’e unreliable, so let me see yours." And they handed their New World Translation Bible to me, and I started to read something from it, but it was a real sunny day, and I accidentally set their Bible on fire. I’m sure they went home and told their friends, "Those Catholics just have to touch a Bible and it bursts into flames!"

ROFL!

Tim and his wife, Serena, say that the JWs refused to take back the Bible after this incident and so they still have it!

Incidentally, Tim and Serena visited Catholic Answers yesterday and sat in on the show. They even said howdy to the audience, so if you’d like to hear what they sound like,

LISTEN HERE.