Jokes From Fr. "You Decide!"

There is a priest who I often run into at Mass who always preaches homilies that have exactly the same format (I suspect he is using a homily service). I don’t know his name, so I think of him as Fr. "You Decide!"

The reason is that these are the closing words of each and every one of his homilies. He always starts with a joke, then comes something of a discussion of the biblical text, this builds up to a moral question of some kind that has an obvious answer, and having posed the question he says "You decide!" and walks back to his seat.

(NOTE: These are rhetorical questions. It’s obvious that he means one of the possible answers to be the moral one; it’s just a question of whether you make the decision to be moral.)

Fr. "You Decide!"’s jokes aren’t always that funny, but occasionally he comes up with a really good one. I particuarly liked the following two (with which I have taken slight liberties in the telling):

A couple of hunters are out in the woods and they get lost. When they realize that their situation is hopeless, one says to the other: "Look, we’re going to die out here if we don’t get some help. Let’s fire three shots in the air and see if anyone comes to our rescue." (NOTE FROM JIMMY: This is a bit of actual hunter lore. They teach you in hunter education class to fire three shots in the air as an emergency signal.) So they fire three shots in the air and wait for somebody to come. Nobody does. After a while, they fire three more shots. Again, nobody comes. Finally, the first hunter says, "Well, I guess we better try again." To which the second replies, "Okay, but we’re down to our last three arrows."

This Sunday he told the following joke:

A woman immigrates from Eastern Europe, but upon arriving in America, she discovers that she’s having trouble with her eyes. The people she’s saying with take her to an optometrist, who has her look at an eye chart, which reads "C Z R T J Y L S P D X." "Can you read it?" the eye doctor asks. "Read it!?" say the incredulous lady. "She’s my neighbor!"

Not bad for Sunday homily humor!

Jokes From Fr. “You Decide!”

There is a priest who I often run into at Mass who always preaches homilies that have exactly the same format (I suspect he is using a homily service). I don’t know his name, so I think of him as Fr. "You Decide!"

The reason is that these are the closing words of each and every one of his homilies. He always starts with a joke, then comes something of a discussion of the biblical text, this builds up to a moral question of some kind that has an obvious answer, and having posed the question he says "You decide!" and walks back to his seat.

(NOTE: These are rhetorical questions. It’s obvious that he means one of the possible answers to be the moral one; it’s just a question of whether you make the decision to be moral.)

Fr. "You Decide!"’s jokes aren’t always that funny, but occasionally he comes up with a really good one. I particuarly liked the following two (with which I have taken slight liberties in the telling):

A couple of hunters are out in the woods and they get lost. When they realize that their situation is hopeless, one says to the other: "Look, we’re going to die out here if we don’t get some help. Let’s fire three shots in the air and see if anyone comes to our rescue." (NOTE FROM JIMMY: This is a bit of actual hunter lore. They teach you in hunter education class to fire three shots in the air as an emergency signal.) So they fire three shots in the air and wait for somebody to come. Nobody does. After a while, they fire three more shots. Again, nobody comes. Finally, the first hunter says, "Well, I guess we better try again." To which the second replies, "Okay, but we’re down to our last three arrows."

This Sunday he told the following joke:

A woman immigrates from Eastern Europe, but upon arriving in America, she discovers that she’s having trouble with her eyes. The people she’s saying with take her to an optometrist, who has her look at an eye chart, which reads "C Z R T J Y L S P D X." "Can you read it?" the eye doctor asks. "Read it!?" say the incredulous lady. "She’s my neighbor!"

Not bad for Sunday homily humor!

In The Middle Of A Million!

B16_wyd

Guestblogger Karen writes:

My husband Chris and I just got back from the pilgrimage to World
Youth Day–what we were able to do of it anyway.

We decided that Saturday would be our "practice finding a parking
place and getting around" day.  After having driven 6.5 hours just to
get there, we drove another few hours figuring out how to get the
closest to Marienfeld in Cologne.

Sure, there were designated parking areas and shuttle buses, but we
quickly found that we couldn’t access them.  It turned out that all
neighboring villages were being completely blocked off, allowing for
only the people who lived there to have access to the roads.

Now I haven’t measured exactly yet, but this left us at a perimeter
that was a 2-hour walk away from our destination, Marienfeld.  While
we were caught in traffic, we could see that we were near enough,
because pilgrims were being dropped off by buses in the same areas we
were scoping out.

They would walk by and wave to the cars stuck in the traffic with huge
smiles.  This made it impossible to be in a bad mood over the traffic.

We decided to park in a village called Quadrath-Ichendorf, and we
walked as briskly as we could to Marienfeld, just to get an idea of
how fast we could get there in case we came back Sunday (which was our
plan).  Like I said, this was a 2-hour walk.  When we went through the
village Horrem, pilgrims were everywhere–on bikes, marching down the
streets with guitars and drums and flags.

192 Countries

One of the first things that struck us was the high and friendly
spirit.  We walked by signs that said, "Welcome, Pilgrims".  Other
kid-pilgrims just kept smiling and waving.  Flags were everywhere.
Later I learned that 192 nations were represented.  I couldn’t believe
the corners of the Earth these people came from for this, but I was so
glad they did.

Some groups walked and sang their native hymns while a few strummed
their guitars, and the sound was fantastic.  I don’t mean those crummy
modern Church-Barney-the-dinosaur "I’m okay, you’re okay" crud songs
or anything pop-sounding.  They played serious music.

One group I thought must be from Spain, but they turned out to be from
Brooklyn.  They were singing an energetic Spanish-sounding song and
that’s the first time of many I felt just overcome with the magnitude
of this event and the spirit.

It was like I was seeing the whole world in one place, and The World
was HAPPY.  Koreans, Africans, Indians, Australians, Canadians, you
name it, they were there.  Later I came to know that one million
people were expected to pour in each day.

We followed the stream of people, which eventually (1.5 hours later)
led us to Marienfeld.  That’s when I realized what an incomprehensible
number 1 million was, at least when measuring people.  The aerial
views that I saw later on television just kept panning and panning,
but there was no end to the people.

Chris and I decided that since it took us so long to get there, we
would stay for the prayer vigil with Pope Benedict, starting at 8:30
PM.  It got noticeably darker, which made it difficult to get good
Pope Pics.  Also we were very far away, so I had to zoom the best I
could with my camera and be content with the pope looking like a
little blurry ant anyway.

We sat on our little spot while other pilgrims laid the foundation for
their tents (most stayed the night in that field) and ate what little
they could fit in their backpacks.   I would feel so sorry for some of
them–they were really roughing it, but they seemed to be having a
great time.

We took numerous videos and pictures–flags waving, nuns walking,
priest-leaders standing out on the road yelling into a cell phone and
waving to whoever in the distance got lost from their group.  There
was a side stage way off in the distance, where musicians played and
opera singers sang.  Speakers were set up everywhere so we could hear
comfortably.

We didn’t know at the time, but they would have the events for each
language translated on several different radio stations.  So if we
wanted to hear the prayers in English, we could have tuned to 95.5 FM
or whatever it was.  We did okay, though–knowing German and English
set us ahead of most pilgrims.

Finally about a half an hour beforehand, it was announced that the
Holy Father was on his way to Marienfeld.  I suspected he’d have been
on the helicopter above, but he actually arrived in the popemobile.  I
sensed he was there because of the crowd, and then saw him on one of
the large screens.

The crowd was WILD.  There was (I think) an original World Youth Day
musical composition being played, and everyone who had a flag was
waving them up high.  Thousands of flags everywhere.  You don’t see
something this powerful anywhere, not even at the Olympics.  Although
they waved different flags, they were waving as one people–Catholics.

The flags were more of a "Greetings from…", not a pride point.
Seeing something like this gave us a feeling of being transported into
some ideal world.  You just can’t imagine it from watching it on TV.

Papa Benedict blessed all of us, a familiar move, but it’s different
when you’re actually there receiving the blessing.  When you get
blessed like that, you feel as if that’s what you’ve wanted all your
life.

Then he went a little ways down the hill where they’d placed a large
bell, and he blessed it and dedicated it to Pope John Paul II, who was
palpably there with us in spirit.  I’d even say I felt Peter, the
first pope, there with us!  You look at this little dot-pope in front
of you and feel connected to the ages.

Chris and I did cheat a little and try just for a spell, to get
closer.  That didn’t help our pictures any, as it became quite dark by
then.

Benedict speaks German very clearly and understandably.  Much later I
heard him in English, and his accent is cute as can be.  He speaks
what you might call with a stereotypical German accent.  "You, zee
youss off zee Verld…" (You, the youth of the world).  I wanted to
hear him speak English, maybe because I knew it would be so charming.

One thing of note about Benedict–he smiles constantly.  He is as
charmed as you are by him.  He is one CUTE pope.  I could tell that he
was as overcome as I was.  How he still kept it together enough to get
on with things, I don’t know.

Chris and I, thinking that we’d get four hours of sleep and come back
for the Mass on Sunday (at 10:30 AM), decided to head out earlier than
we wanted to, and drive to Heinsberg.  We had another 2-hour walk
ahead of us just to get to the car.

About a mile and a half from our car, I, Karen, went completely lame.
I could have walked further if it hadn’t been for my feet, which felt
like knives were stabbing through the heels.  Chris had to part with
me at a gas station and go get the car, and pick me up.

Anyway we finally got back to Heinsberg and slept like rocks.  My cell
phone woke us up at 5 AM, but Chris and I ached all over.
Unfortunately, we did not make it to the Mass–I particularly was in
real pain and even three Ibuprofen didn’t dull it enough.  BUT, we
don’t dwell on this.  Not after what we did manage to do!

We watched the Mass on television.  With some imagination, we were
"there" again, at the Mass.  I had some more "wow" moments watching
it, and I knew that Cologne wasn’t far away anyway.

We packed up and left for home, still feeling somewhat like we only
had one foot on the ground.  We still feel like that!

Son Planning Invalid Marriage

A reader writes:

My wife and I are lifelong Catholics and have brought our children up in the Church.   My son has just informed us that he is engaged to be married to a Protestant girl he has known for only 3 months.  We have discussed the local Catholic information course and suggested that they both attend this together so she can have a better understanding of his Faith.  We also requested they be married in the Church.  They have decided against this and have decided to get married in one month by her grandfather who is a minister.  I have discussed the importance of his decision and asked him to delay the marriage a few months.  I have made him aware that they need to consult with our Priest to find out what the Church requires (a dispensation).  He is not willing to wait and is determined to proceed with the wedding next month.

First, let me say that I really feel for your tragic and painful situation and will be praying for your family. What your son is doing is incredibly reckless by any standard. It is extraordinarily foolhardy, particularly in our culture today, to marry someone that you have known for a total of four months.

A few questions:

1. This marriage will not be valid which means he will in effect be "living in sin" and can no longer receive the Eucharist.  Will he still be able to attend Mass? 

Yes. People in states of sin can attend Mass. In fact, Catholics in a state of sin are still obligated to attend Mass.

What would be the point of going to Confession if he has every intent of continuing in the relationship?

None, as long as he’s unwilling to either live chastely or rectify his marital status.

2.  Is this a more serious sin because it is done with the full knowledge and intent to sin?

Increasing knowledge of the moral character of a sinful act does make it more sinful, though I don’t know enough to assess your son’s personal culpability. Only God sees the heart. Your son may be acting under passions so strong that diminish his culpability.

3.  Is it as simple to fix as having it later validated in The Church (after a good Confession)?

It is relatively simple to have a convalidation later, though there may be marriage preparation and other formalties that will be necessary first.

4.  What are our responsibilities as parents.  I know that we cannot "celebrate" the wedding in any way so as not to lend our presence to the ceremony and thereby indicate that it is "OK", but surely if we visit the couple at any time during their invalid marriage we would be implying that it is ok?  Does this mean we must no longer see our son?

The question of how to navigate social relationships without endorsing an invalid union is a very difficult question that many find themselves in. It is particularly painful and complex and depends in significant measures on how the parties are related to each other and how they would "read" different actions as messages saying things about the union.

Attending the wedding, celebrating anniversaries, letting two people share the same bed under your roof, etc., would all be actions that in our culture would be taken as an endorsement of the union. (And it is hard to see how they might be anything other than that, even in other cultures.)

However, social interactions not directly related to marriage may not be taken this way. For example, inviting people (who know that you don’t think that they are married) over to your house or going over to their house is often not read as an endorsement of a union in our culture. The act is remote enough from the marriage itself that in the opinion of many it is not necessary to refrain from these social interactions.

It most definitely is not necessary that you cut off all contact with your son. Indeed, maintaining contact with him may be essential to the future rectification of his situation. The difficult and painful thing is figuring out how to maintain contact in a way that does not send him false messages. Ultimately, one just has to do the best one can to muddle through that.

5.  If he rejects The Catholic Church and becomes a Protestant before the wedding, does this make it valid?

If he formally defects from the Church then yes, it would result in the marriage being valid. I would not his about this or even mention it to him, though, as formal defection from the Church is an intrinsically evil act. One cannot recommend an intrinsically evil act (defection from the true Church of Christ) in order that good may com of it (a valid marriage).

If, however, he learns of this on his own and asks about it then one would be at liberty to answer his questions honestly, pointing out that defecting from the Church is intrinsically evil and must not be done.

6.  If after the wedding he rejects The Church and becomes a Protestant would the wedding then be valid?

No, this has no bearing on whether the union was valid at the time it was contracted.

7.  If he continues in the invalid marriage with full knowledge, later gets divorced, returns to The Church, can the marriage be annulled?

Yes. In fact, it would be quite easy to annul it due to the facts of the case as outlined above. The Church has a special process for cases of this nature since invalidity is so easy to prove.

8.  With the limited information I have given you, what would you do if it was your son?

If it were me? I’d do the following:

  • Pray really hard.
  • Perform penitential acts on behalf of my son and his fiancee. (NOTE! It is important that any pentiential acts of a significant nature be undertaken under the guidance of a spiritual director in order to keep you from biting off more than you can chew or that might pose long-term harm to you.)
  • Stress to my son that the course he is undertaking involves sin.
  • Stress to him that it will complicate his future and make things harder for him in the long term.
  • Point out to him that marrying someone you have known for only four months at the time of the weddig is incredibly foolhardy and that the success rates for such marriages is extraordinarily low. The odds are that he will go through a lot of pain and end up divorced, with all the complications that entails (including possibly having a kid or kids whose mother you are no longer married to).
  • Point out to him that if he really loves this girl and that if the two of them really can make a go of it as husband and wife then the most loving thing he can do for the two of them is SLOW DOWN and give them a chance to get to know each other better and let their relationship mature. The breakneck speed he’s doing this at has far more likelihood of HARMING their marriage than helping it. There are issues they need to work out BEFORE they get married. Trying to work them out afterwards will only harm the two.
  • Ask him to contemplate the magnitude of the decision he is making. Does he really understand what it means to make a LIFE-LONG commitment to this person based on having known her for this short space of time.
  • I’d also go to the girl’s family and talk to them about the situation. The idea that her grandfather is willing to marry them in this circumstances is incredible, and her family may be able to be enlisted in talking some sense into these young people.
  • I’d also try to live in hope. Something like a third of all marriage licenses that are taken out are never used. There is a significant chance that one or the other of these two young people will have a change of heart before the ceremony.

God bless, and I invite all blog readers to be praying for y’all!

20

Sold! …To Mom, For Chores

Two teens who sold a week of their time on eBay learned, to their evident disappointment, that the winner of the auction was the mother of one of the amateur entrepreneurs. Determined to save the kids from more than they may have bargained for, and seeing possibilities in buying their time, Mom has worked with the other teen’s mother to draft plans for this duo:

"[C]ollege-bound students Chip Davis and Chris Pullen learned the identity of their eBay ‘buyer’: Davis’ mother, Mary.

"’Like I’m going to let some pedophile or whatever win? I don’t think so,’ she said Friday. ‘I would have paid $5,000 for the safety of those two — no question.’

"The auction concluded Monday. Davis, 18, and Pullen, 19, found out Mary Davis’ secret on Thursday, dashing any hopes that they would at least get to travel because of the auction.

"’After finding out the winner was from St. Joseph, I was disappointed,’ Chip Davis said. ‘But now I’m even more disappointed to find out it was my mom.’

"Mary Davis used a screen name the two would not recognize, and checked the family’s computer in secret to make sure she had the winning bid.

"She said she planned to get her money’s worth out of the two, who will start classes later this month at the University of Missouri-Columbia.

"’It’s a legal contract,’ she said, ‘so the longer they put it off, the longer the list of work will get.’

"The list, compiled with Pullen’s mother, Janet, already includes lawnmowing and room-cleaning duties."

GET THE STORY.

I hope the two mothers save clippings of the newspaper article. Sounds like a good story with which to embarrass these two to their own teenagers fifteen or twenty years from now.

Vampire Squid From Hell!

Vampire_squid_from_hellThat’s what this here critter is called.

No kidding! It’s Latin name is Vampyroteuthis infernalis.

And it really exists! Here on Earth and all!

It lives (as you might guess) deep in the ocean. In fact, it lives really deep, down at a level where the oxygen content in the water is so low that most creatures can’t survive there.

We’ve only known about them for about a century. There’s still a lot about them that we don’t know, but here are some interesting facts about the vampire squid from hell:

  • Unlike other squids, it can’t expel ink in order to create a distraction while it jets away.
  • Instead (this is sooooo cool) it expels glowing snot filled with blue balls of light in order to distract its opponent!
  • It only grows to a foot long, but it has the biggest eyes of any creature proportionate to the size of its body (it needs big eyes, living at the depths it does).
  • Unlike other squids, it normally doesn’t move by jet action but by flapping the two fins on its head.
  • During a certain stage of its growth from infant to adult, it has four fins on its head, which led people to think that the different body forms represented more than one species.
  • It’s covered with little dots that it can cause to glow and flash in order to confuse opponents.
  • It uses its light-generating ability to obscure its outline so predators can’t spot it.
  • It can’t change color as well as similar critters, but its skin and eyes look different colors depending on the circumstances.
  • It has blue blood!
  • (We think that) the females guard their eggs for like 400 days before they hatch.
  • They have a defensive move they do called "pumpkin posture" in which they turn themselves inside out (sort of) so that their head is down inside the bell-shaped part of their body. When they assume this position they stick their legs way up away from their heads and make the ends glow to distract the opponent from where their vital organs (their head) are. If a predator bites one of the ends of their legs off, they regenerate it!

Cool!

If only we could tell H. P. Lovecraft about these things!

LEARN MORE.

PICTURE OF A VAMPIRE SQUID IN "PUMPKIN POSTURE."

Blessed Vs. Blessed

A reader writes:

Is there a difference between using Blessed (Bless-Ed), or Blessed (Bles-t) outside of a grammatical preference or usage?

If I understand you correctly, the answer is that the adjective "blessed" originally had a single meaning  but that it has come to be pronounced differently in different situations. It also has related noun and verb forms. There isn’t much of a difference in meaning much of the time (besides the obvious shifts caused by using the word as a verb or a noun), but there are rules on how it is pronounced.

We say /bless-ed/ when:

  1. We use it as a title (not an adjective), as in "Blessed John of Wherever."
  2. We are using it as an adjective in front of a noun, as in "What a
    blessed fool you are!"
  3. It comes immediately
    before the verb, as in "Blessed be the beasts and the children" or "Blessed are the peacemakers."

On the other hand, we say /blest/ when:

  1. We use it as a past tense
    verb ("The pope blessed the people"), and
  2. We use it
    as an adjective following the verb ("He felt very blessed").

At least that’s how it sounds to my English-speaking American Catholic ear.

Your mileage may vary.

And it may vary in particular if you are a member of a different religious community. The above are the way Catholics do it, I’ve heard converts who haven’t absorbed these usages yet do it differently.

Male Angel Names?

A reader writes:

Listening to one of the Catholic Answers Q&A sessions, you mention no gender in angels.  Would the fact that Angels are named, Michael, Raphael, Gabriel be named for our sake to show male strength in earlier times?

Okay, I’m not sure I understand the question, but if I read you correctly, you are wondering whether the fact that angels in the Bible have masculine names means that God is accomodating their names to ancient Hebrew culture, which identified strength with masculinity (angels being stronger than us).

Maybe.

To tell you the truth, I’ve never dug into Hebrew naming practices thoroughly enough to know whether the angels in question have names that sound distinctly male in Hebrew. Hypothetically, they could be bi-gendered names, like "Chris" or "Terry" or "Kelly" are in English, which can be either male or female. My suspicion, though, is that you’re correct and that these are male-sounding names in Hebrew.

However that may be, the angels are certainly pictured as males, and this is no doubt an accomodation to Hebrew culture in some way. It could be the strength of the angels that is the determining factor (Michael and Gabriel are depicted as engaging in heavenly warfare–a male occupation), or it could be something else. Raphael serves as a travelling companion for Tobias, and a woman would not be a fit travelling companion for an unmarried male in their day.

On the other hand, it seems that whenever angels are mentioned they are depicted (if they are depicted as humans) as male, even when they aren’t named. It may be that strength is the cause, or it might be the role they play: They’re God’s messengers. That’s what the word "angel" means in the biblical languages: messenger. Since kings used male messengers in that day, this could be why.

It also could be that they are in some way priestly, serving in the heavenly Temple, and in ancient Israel only males served as officials in the Temple.

So . . . it’s kinda hard to say for sure. My guess would be the messenger idea, though.