Category: Curios & Humor

Catholic writer Danielle Bean composed a mother’s version of St. Francis of Assisi’s Prayer for Peace during the eye of a storm of childhood stomach-flu:

A MOTHER’S PRAYER OF ST. FRANCIS
(STOMACH FLU VERSION)

Lord,
Make me an instrument of Your healing love;
Where there is vomit let me bring Lysol;
Where there are boogers, Kleenex;
Where there is fever, Tylenol;
Where there is boredom, library books;
Where there are chills, warm blankets;
And where there is whininess, Scooby Doo.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be well-rested as to provide clean sheets,
To be appreciated as to disinfect the house,
To be showered as to give warm baths,
For it is in scrubbing out the bathroom that we are cleansed,
It is in sharing laps that we find comfort,
And it is after resting that we will return
To a normal life.

(Nod to the Curt Jester for the link.)

A reader writes:

No response required, Jimmy;

    I just wanted to thank you for your blog.  I’m a 30-something cradle-Catholic (five years old to orthodoxy).  Your site is a daily affirmation (shudder at the word) that I can be orthodox AND rant against the death of Trip Tucker (a death about which I am particularly bitter.)  The mix of apologetics, canon law, pop culture, and sci-fi (etc) on your site are a real pleasure.

    Anecdote: Also thought I’d mention that a friend and I recently partook of that drink touted by some as the Theological Depth-Charge (a shot of Benedict dropped into a pint of Heineken or other German beer.)  My buddy and I are highschool religion teachers up here in Canada and we recently went to a religious educator’s conference in the mountains (nice Rocky Mountain locale, too many leftists.)  One day we noted that we had yet to hear of our pontiff spoken of in any better terms that "Ratzinger" or more commonly, "Jospeh Ratzinger."   There was no respect there. 

So, we decided that we could somehow defend our pontiff by partaking of the Theological Depth-Charge (which we renamed the B-16… it works on so many levels!)  We marched down to the lounge and were dismayed to hear they had no Benedict, only B&B.  We forged on, using the B&B instead (an Ecumenical B-16.)

    The drink was foul (brandy in beer?  who’d’a thunk?) but we were triumphant, at least until my gut started to churn.  It was like our pontiff saying "Thanks, boys, but you know… there are consequences to what you do."  The next day we heard similar comments but, as we had found that the B-16 was a more rigorous experience than we’d expected, we chose to speak up instead.

I’m afraid that I haven’t heard of Benedict (the brandy, not the pope) or B&B (bed & breakfast?). Perhaps they are distinctly Canadian brands (or perhaps not; I’m ignorant of such things).

Was intrigued to hear of your unique idea for "defending" (in the sense of honoring or commemorating) our beloved holy father, though I tend to think y’all should go with the telepathic communique you got from him: In wartime or not, depth charges should be treated with great caution.

Following Freaky Friday, it’s now Sci-Fi Saturday and Sci-Fi Sunday here on the blog, so here goes . . .

I forget whether someone e-mailed this to me after Episode I or Episode II was released (I think it was episode I), but it’s all over the ‘Net, so in honor of the release of Episode III, we present:

You might be a redneck Jedi if . . .

1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y’all."
2. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
3. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm
   Strawberry Hill.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
5. You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
6. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
7. You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
8. You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.
9. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
10. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
11. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t
    have to wait for a commercial.
12. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
13. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark
    side…it’ll be a hoot."
14. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy
    to get the barbecue grill to light.
15. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
16. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a
    pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
17. You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire as "them
    damn Yankees."
18. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
19. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck.
20. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the
    cantina scene.

I don’t approve of all these, but some are reall funny. My favorite is #13.

Add your own in the combox! (But keep it clean.)

LEIA: I love you!

HAN: I know.

Vader gives the order, and Han Solo begins to be lowered into a steaming pit of carbonite.

Then, using a lockpick device secreted in his belt, Han frees himself from the table-thingie he is strapped to and springs toward Lord Vader.

Vader, taken totally by surprise, loses his balance and falls into the pit of carbonite.

The result may be seen to the left.

NOT!

This here is actually a close-up of the Vader head on the Washington National Cathedral that TimJ told us about.

Got the picture off the sculptor’s site.

LEARN MORE.

LEIA: I love you!

HAN: I know.

Vader gives the order, and Han Solo begins to be lowered into a steaming pit of carbonite.

Then, using a lockpick device secreted in his belt, Han frees himself from the table-thingie he is strapped to and springs toward Lord Vader.

Vader, taken totally by surprise, loses his balance and falls into the pit of carbonite.

The result may be seen to the left.

NOT!

This here is actually a close-up of the Vader head on the Washington National Cathedral that TimJ told us about.

Got the picture off the sculptor’s site.

LEARN MORE.

High upon the northwest tower of Washington National Cathedral, almost at the top, between two huge louvered arches, there is a small peaked roof called a "gablet". At the bottom of each slope of this gablet is a carved "grotesque" (think: gargoyle). There, underneath the north (right) slope of the gablet, carved in stone, is the very visage of THE SECOND MOST EVIL GUY IN THE GALAXY!

That’s right! Darth Vader is immortalized in stone at our national cathedral. (Apparently a contest was held for kids to submit ideas for art to be used in the cathedral and some sensible kid chose the black helmeted, breathing-challenged master of mayhem as a fitting reminder not to give in to the "Dark Side". Is this a great country, or what?

The WNC Website gives alot of information and pictures about this grand structure, as well as some really cool panoramic 3-D wrap-around views (gotta have Flash animation capabilities, though).

Now I am even more anxious to get to Washington and tour this magnificent building. See? Sacred architecture doesn’t have to be boring!

Oh, STICKY NOTE to Camile Paglia – The cathedral includes sculptures of naked human figures (Frederick Hart’s classic "Ex Nihilo" is one example).

GET MORE  "GROTESQUE" FACTS HERE!

Cowboy hat tip to the reader who sent in the following bumper-sticker (one of two I’ve seen based on the new pope).

I’m seriously thinking about printing this out and affix it to my pickup.

Click to enlarge.

BECAUSE IT DIDN’T KNOW JAYWALKING WAS ILLEGAL!

Straight from the annals of Barney Fife, a California chicken (technically, it’s owners) was recently ticketed for venturing out into the roadway.

Local residents claim the chicken-ticketing was in retaliation for criticism of local police department.

GET THE STORY.

<scruples>Actually, I don’t know who’s right in this story, and technically it wasn’t jaywalking but impeding traffic–but the gag was too good to pass up!</scruples>

(CHT to the reader who e-mailed!)

Attention, expectant parents: Do your child a favor and don’t name him or her Jacob or Emily.

"A lot of kids must look up when teachers call out ‘Emily’ or ‘Jacob’ these days. Those were the most popular babies’ names last year — and have been every year since the 1990s.

"Emma and Madison were second and third for girls, just like the year before. Michael and Joshua for boys, like the year before.

"The biblical name Jacob, the most popular choice for boys for the sixth straight year, also was at the top in the first count of names given to twins. Parents like to pair it with Joshua."

GET THE STORY.

Trust me. I know whereof I speak. I was born in the early-1970s, apparently during the heyday of naming baby girls Michelle. (The heyday was likely spawned by that teeth-grittingly awful Beatles’ song of the same name. I bless my parents everyday that they simply liked the name Michelle and did not name me after that song.)

Anyway, growing up, there was almost always someone else in my class named Michelle. When I graduated in 1990, I lost count of how many times the master of ceremonies said the name Michelle as a first or middle name, but I do know that there were four other girls named Michelle Lynn because I counted.

Now, I’m not telling you to go out and give your child some weird name. Just please, please, please give your child a name that hasn’t appeared on the Top Ten Baby Names List for at least the last five years. Your child will thank you.

Trust me.

Over yonder on his blog, Steve posts the following riddle:

This puzzle was written by a lady in California in 1890 in response to a gentlemen in Philadelphia, who said that he would pay $1,000 to anyone who could write a puzzle that he could not solve. He failed to do so, and paid the lady $1,000 (a great sum at that time).

The answer is one word, five letters long, and appears only four times in the King James version of the Bible. An eight-year-old boy figured out the puzzle. Can you? If you give up, need a hint, or guess the answer, write me at sray@rc.net. Happy hunting!

*******************************************************

God made Adam out of the dust,
but thought it best to make me first.

So I was made before the man,
according to God’s Holy plan.

My whole body God made complete,
without arms, or hands, or feet.

My ways and acts did God control,
but in my body He placed no soul.

A living being I became,
and Adam gave to me a name.

Then from his presence I withdrew,
for this man Adam I never knew.

All my Maker’s laws I do obey,
and from these laws I never stray.

Thousands of me go in fear,
but seldom on the earth appear.

Later, for a purpose God did see,
He placed a living soul in me.

But that soul of mine God had to claim,
and from me took it back again.

And when this soul from me had fled,
I was the same as when first made;

without arms, legs, feet, or soul,
I travel on from pole to pole.

My labors are from day to night,
and to men I once furnished light.

Thousands of people both young and old,
did by my death bright lights behold.

No right or wrong can I conceive;
the Bible and it’s teachings I can’t believe.

The fear of death doesn’t trouble me;
pure happiness I will never see.

And up in Heaven I can never go,
nor in the grave or hell below.

So get your Bible and read with care;
you’ll find my name recorded there.

A NOTE FOR COMBOX GUESSERS: The in the above the statement that God did not put a soul in this thing must be understood of a rational soul. (Hint! Hint!)