The Rules Of Cheating

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For a really grim view of the state of marriage in our society, just look at what some husbands and wives consider to be acceptable behavior: You can cheat on me so long as it is within the agreed-upon bounds of cheating on me:

"A New York magazine article entitled ‘The New Monogamy‘ [Editor note: Graphic picture illustrates article] states that marriages are becoming more and more open. The thinking is that agreed-upon ‘cheating’ will ward off the urge to stray further. In this view, as long as each spouse ‘sluts around’ (their words, not ours) within the boundaries deemed acceptable by both parties (rules range from just kissing to engaging in full-blown orgies), they aren’t actually cheating. Sure, it sounds pretty crazy. But let’s just go with it for now, keeping in mind how unnatural forsaking all others can feel to some in committed relationships — and how striving for true monogamy can outright ruin some relationships. So, provided the rules of engagement are mutually agreed upon, is the open approach reasonable?"

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One reason I think the idea of "slutting around" on your spouse is a perverse idea that is gaining ground in our society is because so many people simply have no idea what marriage is. People seem to think of marriage as an official stamp on a romance. Before extramarital sex gained enormous popularity, marriage was all too often seen as permission to have sex. Then when marriage was no longer seen as the gateway to sex, marriage became merely The Piece Of Paper that designated that a couple was Together, not for life but until they grew bored with each other. Now that it’s very easy to shed yourself of a spouse when he no longer thrills you, divorce seems to be becoming The Piece Of Paper that is unnecessary to obtain first before scoping out a hot date for the weekend.

A priest once told me that when he was in seminary some forty years ago, a fellow seminarian commented to him that the Church was badly in need of developing its marital theology. In the years since he was in seminary, my priest friend told me, John Paul II had given the Church fully seventy-five percent of its current theology of marriage. (There is no hard data supporting that number, only an educated guess by clergy with whom this priest had discussed the matter.)

The Church has had a great gift on the theology of marriage bequeathed to it by JPII and the Church will have its work cut out for it passing on JPII’s marital theology to a culture utterly clueless that marriage is not an amoral "hook-up" till boredom-do-us-part, but a vocation intended to form people in sanctity.

Author: Jimmy Akin

Jimmy was born in Texas, grew up nominally Protestant, but at age 20 experienced a profound conversion to Christ. Planning on becoming a Protestant seminary professor, he started an intensive study of the Bible. But the more he immersed himself in Scripture the more he found to support the Catholic faith, and in 1992 he entered the Catholic Church. His conversion story, "A Triumph and a Tragedy," is published in Surprised by Truth. Besides being an author, Jimmy is the Senior Apologist at Catholic Answers, a contributing editor to Catholic Answers Magazine, and a weekly guest on "Catholic Answers Live."

14 thoughts on “The Rules Of Cheating”

  1. Not only is marriage a vocation, but a Sacrament, in which we meet Christ and receive His Graces. As Archbishop Sheen put it, it takes “Three To Get Married”. (And I guarantee that the third Partner in marriage does NOT approve of cheating).

  2. I read a secular commentary on this article yesterday and was disgusted by the rationale people gave for this idea of “managed/new monogamy”. Someone even commented on what an oxymoron the idea is. It seems as long as someone puts a title to it and can find someone else to agree with it, it’s okay and should be accepted as an alternative “norm”. It likens those that accept and promote this ideology to that of animals that have no control over their sexual impulses.

  3. It seems as long as someone puts a title to it and can find someone else to agree with it, it’s okay and should be accepted as an alternative “norm”.
    That’s what happens every day. The “You can’t judge me! I live an ‘alternative’ lifestyle!” mentality is going to destroy us.

  4. This is new? Do these people have amnesia, or are they just too young to remember the Swingin’ Sixties (or any decade since)?
    I guarantee that any couple that has reached such an agreement has a doomed marriage.
    But, deep down they probably already knew that.
    I find it amusing all the talk about how hard it is to be faithful, and all…
    My wife and I are in our 25th year of marriage. We have both been absolutely faithful, 100% of the time, and it hasn’t been that difficult, at all.

  6. Would a premarital agreement to allow cheating be grounds for annulment?
    I’m pretty sure that it would, because it would be clear proof that the parties did not intend to uphold their vows of fidelity.

  7. On my ship I know of at least six guys who claim that they don’t care if their wife cheats on them.
    At least one of the three Chiefs over me almost assuredly cheats on his wife at every chance, but constantly rants about how much he loves her. (Hookers in Hong Kong were looking for him, and he is surounded by hookers any time I see him in port)
    It’s really not unusual for married women to become pregnant while their husbands are far, far away from where we are.
    And there is the old classic, “it’s not cheating if you’re in different area codes/zip codes/countries/ are underway”.
    Sometimes, I really, really come close to crying. If my favorite chief weren’t quite obviously loyal to his wife, and one of my firsts so loyal he doesn’t even risk drinking incase he does something wrong, I would hate the Navy for its culture. (Imported as it obviously is, we do have more chances to do wrong.)

  9. Sailorette, I hear you. My only bachelor cousin recently retired from the Navy and only now looking for a wife. Lots of his buddies, once they figured him out, tried to get him to lose his virginity in various ports. He used to tell us how many of his co-workers were paying for children that weren’t theirs or, conversely, how many brought home STDs. And it was treated as business-as-usual. Pure madness!
    But I have to say that this attitude has prevaded American culture so much that so-called Christians buy into it. I have married friends who laughed at (and lied to) their priest or minister when he told them not to co-habit before marrying. It’s also discouraging for a single girl to be told by her boyfriend that he wants to “kick the tires before buying the car” – or whatever euphemism is en vogue – when what he really wants is a 40,000-mile test drive with an option to buy. What no one seems to realize is that when Christians buy into this over-sexed culture, it devalues marital sex and marital commitment.
    I don’t things are going to get better, either, without God’s intervention.

  10. I think that ‘The Theology of the Body’ should be compulsory reading material for all embarking upon Holy Matrimony.
    God Bless.
    p.s. Tim, congratulations on your 25th year of marriage!

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