A reader writes:
In light of recent shark bites in Florida and South Jersey, it seemed imperative to come up with some guidlines to "help" people from future incidents. Hope you enjoy these.
EXCERPTS:
- Avoid shiny reflective jewelry and uneven tans or tan lines (sharks are attracted to contrasts); avoid swimming with gaping gunshot wounds (sharks possess phenomenal olfactory senses, and are enthralled by blood); do not use barbecue- or human-scented suntan lotion.
- Do spray yourself with the threatening scent of a predator of a shark (for example, larger sharks)
- Never be the farthest swimmer from shore. Always get someone else to swim out farther.
- Sharks are afraid of lightning and thunder. The best time to take a swim is during a violent electrical storm.
- Do not bring too many inflatable sharks into the ocean. It will make it difficult to identify the true sharks, which are the real threat.
- Remember: Very few parts of the shark pose any danger at all to you. Stay near those parts.
- Strike first. Inflict a large, potentially fatal bite to underbelly of shark before he has any idea what is happening.
GET THE REST OF THESE TIMELY AND VALUABLE SUMMERTIME SAFETY TIPS!
Never be the farthest swimmer from shore. Always get someone else to swim out farther.
Sounds a little un-Christianlike to me!
How wacky that shark attacks seem to have ramped up right around the time of the 30th anniversary / SE DVD release of Jaws!
Funny, it didn’t say anything about how to avoid really-fake-rubbery-looking-exploding-sharks when you’re hanging from a rope ladder suspended from your Bat-Copter.
Remember to always have plenty of Shark Repellent Bat Spray and an acrobatic sidekick to hand it down to you. (Also make sure to carry Baracuda Repellent Bat Spray, Whale Repellent Bat Spray and other helpful Bat Sprays)
Presumably this did not make the cut since apparently really-fake-rubbery-looking-exploding-sharks can chomp on your leg for several minutes without ever breaking the skin.
Not to be a spoiled sport, as I always love a good laugh, but I found the joke here to be in poor taste. A couple got attacked by a shark while I was visiting Cape Hatteras a few years back; one died, the other left traumatized. I would think the cardinal rule is, if a single family is devastated by some atrocity, that makes the joke off-limits.
But that’s me. What do I know about humor?
Along the same lines, make sure you wear your leather jacket while jumping the shark so you can look cool doing it.
Good stuff Jimmy. I am headed to the Gulf Coast of Florida for a wedding over Labor Day so I will make sure to use these tips to avoid being attacked.
Along the same lines, make sure you wear a black leather jacket while jumping the shark so you can look cool doing it.
Always swim with an foot long knife at your side. If there are no sharks near you, it will at least help you look cool.
Always wear a colorful bikini suit when swimming in the ocean if you’re female, provided you’re young and good-looking. That way the handsome life saver on the beach will go to your rescue first (applies to all risky situations).
Last weekend I rented and watched the film “Open Water.” After that film, it is hard for me to find shark attacks humorous.
“Stay away from where sharks swim.”
same advice as avoiding a Grizzly attack…
… and same result if you do not.
I wonder why the Hammerhead is only rated 2…hammerheads have been known to attack humans. Even if they do look silly.
If we were to put “off limits” every tragic human circumstance we would have to be content to live without humor. Humor is a natural response to the scary bits of life. It seems like the words “humor” and “human” are probably closely related, also. Anyone able to confirm this?
Correct Tim. Humour, human and, incidentally, humility all have the same Latin root: ‘humus’, meaning ‘earth’ or ‘soil’.