From a recently-ended eBay auction (CHT to the reader who e-mailed!):
LOT OF POKEMON CARDS THAT MY KIDS TRIED TO SNEAK BY ME
Description:I’m selling a bunch of Pokemon cards. Why? Because my kids sneaked them into my shopping cart while at the grocery store and I ended up buying them because I didn’t notice they were there until we got home. How could I have possibly not noticed they were in my cart, you ask? Let me explain.
You haven’t lived until you’ve gone grocery shopping with six kids in tow. I would rather swim, covered in bait, through the English Channel, be a contestant on Fear Factor when they’re having pig brains for lunch, or do fourth grade math than to take my six kids to the grocery store. Because I absolutely detest grocery shopping, I tend to put it off as long as possible. There comes a time, however, when you’re peering into your fridge and thinking, ‘Hmmm, what can I make with ketchup, Italian dressing, and half an onion,’ that you decide you cannot avoid going to the grocery store any longer. Before beginning this most treacherous mission, I gather all the kids together and give them “The Lecture“.
“The Lecture“ goes like this…
MOM: “We have to go to the grocery store.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Hey, I don’t want to go either, but it’s either that or we’re eating cream of onion-ketchup soup and drinking Italian dressing for dinner tonight.”
KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“
MOM: “Now here are the rules: do not ask me for anything, do not poke the packages of meat in the butcher section, do not test the laws of physics and try to take out the bottom can in the pyramid shaped display, do not play baseball with oranges in the produce section, and most importantly, do not try to leave your brother at the store. Again.”
OK, the kids have been briefed. Time to go.
Once at the store, we grab not one, but two shopping carts. I wear the baby in a sling and the two little children sit in the carts while I push one cart and my oldest son pushes the other one. My oldest daughter is not allowed to push a cart. Ever. Why? Because the last time I let her push the cart, she smashed into my ankles so many times, my feet had to be amputated by the end of our shopping trip. This is not a good thing. You try running after a toddler with no feet sometime.
At this point, a woman looks at our two carts and asks me, “Are they all yours?” I answer good naturedly, “Yep!
“Oh my, you have your hands full.”
“Yes, I do, but it‘s fun!” I say smiling. I’ve heard all this before. In fact, I hear it every time I go anywhere with my brood.
We begin in the produce section where all these wonderfully, artistically arranged pyramids of fruit stand. There is something so irresistibly appealing about the apple on the bottom of the pile, that a child cannot help but try to touch it. Much like a bug to a zapper, the child is drawn to this piece of fruit. I turn around to the sounds of apples cascading down the display and onto the floor. Like Indiana Jones, there stands my son holding the all-consuming treasure that he just HAD to get and gazing at me with this dumbfounded look as if to say, “Did you see that??? Wow! I never thought that would happen!”
I give the offending child an exasperated sigh and say, “Didn’t I tell you, before we left, that I didn’t want you taking stuff from the bottom of the pile???”
“No. You said that you didn’t want us to take a can from the bottom of the pile. You didn’t say anything about apples.”
With superhuman effort, I resist the urge to send my child to the moon and instead focus on the positive – my child actually listened to me and remembered what I said!!! I make a mental note to be a little more specific the next time I give the kids The Grocery Store Lecture.
A little old man looks at all of us and says, “Are all of those your kids?”
Thinking about the apple incident, I reply, “Nope. They just started following me. I’ve never seen them before in my life.”
OK, now onto the bakery section where everything smells so good, I’m tempted to fill my cart with cookies and call it a day. Being on a perpetual diet, I try to hurry past the assortment of pies, cakes, breads, and pastries that have my children drooling. At this point the chorus of “Can we gets” begins.
“Can we get donuts?”
“No.”
“Can we get cupcakes?”
“No.”
“Can we get muffins?”
“No.”
“Can we get pie?”
“No.”
You’d think they’d catch on by this point, but no, they’re just getting started.
In the bakery, they’re giving away free samples of coffee cake and of course, my kids all take one. The toddler decides he doesn’t like it and proceeds to spit it out in my hand. (That’s what moms do. We put our hands in front of our children’s mouths so they can spit stuff into them. We’d rather carry around a handful of chewed up coffee cake, than to have the child spit it out onto the floor. I’m not sure why this is, but ask any mom and she’ll tell you the same.) Of course, there’s no garbage can around, so I continue shopping one-handed while searching for someplace to dispose of the regurgitated mess in my hand.
In the meat department, a mother with one small baby asks me, “Wow! Are all six yours?”
I answer her, “Yes, but I’m thinking of selling a couple of them.”
(Still searching for a garbage can at this point.)
Ok, after the meat department, my kids’ attention spans are spent. They’re done shopping at this point, but we aren’t even halfway through the store. This is about the time they like to start having shopping cart races. And who may I thank for teaching them this fun pastime? My seventh “child”, also known as my husband. While I’m picking out loaves of bread, the kids are running down the aisle behind the carts in an effort to get us kicked out of the store. I put to stop to that just as my son is about to crash head on into a giant cardboard cut-out of a Keebler elf stacked with packages of cookies.
Ah! Yes! I find a small trash can by the coffee machine in the cereal aisle and finally dump out the squishy contents of my hand. After standing in the cereal aisle for an hour and a half while the kids perused the various cereals, comparing the marshmallow and cheap, plastic toy content of each box, I broke down and let them each pick out a box. At any given time, we have twenty open boxes of cereal in my house.
As this is going on, my toddler is playing Houdini and maneuvering his little body out of the seat belt in an attempt to stand up in the cart. I’m amazed the kid made it to his second birthday without suffering a brain damaging head injury. In between trying to flip himself out of the cart, he sucks on the metal bars of the shopping cart. Mmmm, can you say “influenza”?
The shopping trip continues much like this. I break up fights between the kids now and then and stoop down to pick up items that the toddler has flung out of the cart. I desperately try to get everything on my list without adding too many other goodies to the carts.
Somehow I manage to complete my shopping in under four hours and head for the check-outs where my kids start in on a chorus of, “Can we have candy?” What evil minded person decided it would be a good idea to put a display of candy in the check-out lanes, right at a child’s eye level? Obviously someone who has never been shopping with children.
As I unload the carts, I notice many extra items that my kids have sneaked in the carts unbeknownst to me. I remove a box of Twinkies, a package of cupcakes, a bag of candy, and a can of cat food (we don’t even have a cat!). I somehow missed the box of Pokemon cards however and ended up purchasing them unbeknownst to me. As I pay for my purchases, the clerk looks at me, indicates my kids, and asks, “Are they all yours?”
Frustrated, exhausted from my trip, sick to my stomach from writing out a check for $289.53, dreading unloading all the groceries and putting them away and tired of hearing that question, I look at the clerk and answer her in my most sarcastic voice, “No. They’re not mine. I just go around the neighborhood gathering up kids to take to the grocery store because it’s so much more fun that way.”
So, up for auction is an opened (they ripped open the box on the way home from the store) package of Pokemon cards. There are 44 cards total. They’re in perfect condition, as I took them away from the kiddos as soon as we got home from the store. Many of them say "Energy". I tried carrying them around with me, but they didn’t work. I definitely didn’t have any more energy than usual. One of them is shiny. There are a few creature-like things on many of them. One is called Pupitar. Hee hee hee Pupitar! (Oh no! My kids’ sense of humor is rubbing off on me!) Anyway, I don’t there’s anything special about any of these cards, but I’m very much not an authority on Pokemon cards. I just know that I’m not letting my kids keep these as a reward for their sneakiness.
Shipping is FREE on this item. Insurance is optional, but once I drop the package at the post office, it is no longer my responsibility. For example, if my son decides to pour a bottle of glue into the envelope, or my daughter spills a glass of juice on the package, that’s my responsibility and I will fully refund your money. If, however, I take the envelope to the post office and a disgruntled mail carrier sets fire to it, a pack of wild dogs rip into it, or a mail sorting machine shreds it, it’s out of my hands, so you may want to add insurance. I will leave feedback for you as soon as I’ve received your payment. I will be happy to combine shipping on multiple items won within three days. This comes from a smoke-free, pet-free, child-filled home. Please ask me any questions before placing your bid. Happy bidding! 🙂
The cards eventually sold for $142.51. The auction received 180,000 views.
HAHAHAHAHA Oh man! Can’t you just stay home with them while mommy goes shopping? Although, I guess if you sent mommy away with a grocery list, she’d come home with ten new pairs of shows 😉
Good luck with the kids and the non-existent kitty.
Jimmy, thanks for posting this. What a wonderful sense of humor.
LOL, Jimmy!!!!!! 😉
I can relate! You know, I get those comments all the time even though I have only four. I feel that it is my mission for the following to be said (yes, every single time which can sometimes be four times a trip),
“You sure have your hands full, are they all yours?”
“Yes! They are all mine and all my husband’s. We have been married for 15 years which is a rare thing these days! And yes my hands are full–full of blessings!”
I say it in the nicest, most cheerful way, when what I really want to do is clobber one of my kids at the same time! (in reality they are pretty good in the store).
She should be writing a syndicated column, not just a blog. (No offense to you many bloggers)
Actually, I’ve had “cream of onion-ketchup soup” before. It’s not bad 🙂 Beats the heck out of shopping with the kids (I have four)
(while I do not support Pokemon…it was very funny)
From her blog:
“Lastly, my friend, who sympathized with me (and perhaps thought she was making an investment as she believes I’ll be a published author) won these cards and did, in fact, pay for them. I, however, did not (nor do I intend to) cash her check. C’mon, she’s my friend!”
Thanks for the blog! My husband and I were laughing so hard that we were crying and we only have 3 children but the sentiments are the same!!!
It is especially funny since our DS is into pokemon and decides to act out some of the moves in the grocery store and if you can imagine the embarrassment his older sister goes through so she decided to return his “attack” with a crash attack, with the buggy no less! Something about girl drivers….LOL
Thanks Jimmy
“Pokeman”, what? !!!
She paid for about half her groceries with the profit from the Pokemon cards.
Cool mom. Industrious and creative. God bless her and her family.
That is exactly why I only do the grocery shopping late at night.
My wife stays home with our seven children and I load a shopping cart like you would not believe. The checkers are always amazed at how much I put on the little conveyor belt (last trip was $330 worth) and they just cannot believe when I actually bag it and get it back into the cart.
I have done the shopping with my seven children but it was not as exciting as the story above but just as challenging.
When we do go shopping as a family and people say “You sure have your hands full!” I respond “Everyday thank God.”
Take care and God bless,
Inocencio
J+M+J
I have four kids and the writers experience doesn’t sound so unusual or that bad. My wife has experienced worse, such as a daughter deliberately trying to overturn a cart. Of course, the key is to leave them at home with Dad, but I do sometimes like to go as a family.
Makes sense, then you can get grocery shopping, family bonding, and penance in one convenient stop. 😉
This is hysterical! 🙂
With all charity, I didn’t find this piece funny at all.
I was just torpedoed today by a mini shopping cart when a three-year-old didn’t get his cheese doodles or whatever, and decided to have a tantrum.
It’s intersting that the author claims, “Yes I do (have my hands full), but it’s fun!”, while at the same wishing that she were anywhere else but shopping with her kids – like on Fear Factor for instance. So, which one is it? Is it really fun or is it as dreadful as it sounds?
Bottom line is kids HATE shopping. Leave them at home.
Must be convenient always having that option.
Hey I have 8 kids, 7 boys, I live that life. I won’t let my kids behave like that in the store, I still love reading about my life online. Everyone, just give your kids a hug tonight before they go to bed, and keep them out of the cereal aisle.
I remember shopping with my dad as a teen and sneaking ‘feminine hygene products’ into the cart. Dad would grab them out and growl at me about slipping in things that weren’t on the list, stare at them a moment, say “oh” and toss them back in the cart. This happened several times, and it was the ONLY thing I ever snuck in the cart, but he didn’t seem to catch on.
Heidi, for the record, having a bunch of kids can be very fun, but it isn’t a rollicking good time every moment. Grocery shopping is very difficult, but it has to be done, and one can’t always avoid taking the kids along. I’m sorry about your ankles – that has happened to me, and I don’t let my kids use the mini carts because of that. It’s no worse that being accosted by the global warming people out in the parking lot though! At least the 3 year old has the excuse of ignorance on her side.
My wife takes our six kids (oldest =9, youngest = 1) shopping and the older kids bag the groceries. She does not let them get out of control.
The snarky comments about “Are they all yours?” are right on, though.
LOL! I loved it. I have seven children and I could relate. Very cute and funny.
Thanks.
Heidi, you asked…”So, which one is it? Is it really fun or is it as dreadful as it sounds”?
BOTH (but mostly I would say really fun, my Mother and Father both had incredible senses of humor and I think that you have to in order to have so many children. (Or perhaps they learned to have incredible senses of humor after having 9 of us, I don’t know.) Some of our favorite memories are of hearing them recount stories of our lives when we were younger, it always made everyone laugh. (them, us and those listening.)
Children really are a great blessing!!
Sola Mei,
Esau.
As my Dad used to say “I wouldn’t take a million dollars for any one of you kids, but I wouldn’t give a plug nickle for another one just like you”.
But how he loved us. Even at the store.
Heh…. My folks only have three, but even mom would get the “are they all yours” question– to make it worse, we all have a very, very strong family resemblance.
We’d never have acted like the lady describes in the store…but I suspect a *little* bit of writer’s art. ;^) (didn’t hurt that we were far enough away from a major town that we filled the back of the pickup three times a year as the main shopping experience. Maybe this lady should buy a Costco card…..)
A suggestion for those folks who are actually making replacement, or more: if someone is rude enough to start insisting you’re “killing the world” or that the world is already “hugely overpopulated,” tell them that your kids will be paying their SS….
My daughter has four children and she told me about the Pokeman story and was laughing so hard that I was charmed at her relating the story even more than the story itself! Now, having read it myself, I think we have another Erma Bombeck here. 🙂
As a stay-at-home dad with four kids, I thought I had MY hands full. Somehow being reminded that there are people with even more children is refreshing.
Heidi, you are right that kids don’t always like shopping (although my kids do like the free food samples at Trader Joe’s) but you CAN’T leave them at home if they’re too young. And I completely get where kids are fun but sometimes one playfully wishes he (or she) could sell them.
Honestly, though, it’s been years since one of my kids has thrown a temper-tantrum in the store. Except for the 9-month-old, they’ve all had ample time to learn that A) they aren’t getting everything they want and B) throwing a temper tantrum accomplishes nothing.
I thought the article was great and immediately subscribed to the blog.
iClaudius writes:
The snarky comments about “Are they all yours?” are right on, though.
I always want to respond to this line by dropping my jaw and asking, “Why? What have you heard?”
I’m not sure that the “Are they all yours?” comments are as unwarranted as it may seem.
If you go out in public with half a dozen unruly kids and a disgruntled demeanor, it certainly may give the impression that you got stuck shopping with 2 or 3 of your neighbor’s kids or maybe nieces or nephews. However something about the age distribution, family resemblance, and how you are yelling at them, make others suspect that they are all yours.
I suspect that large families who go out together and are obviously happy together and displaying Christian love to each other receive this comment less.
Currently I only have two (and one on the way), but I see the same thing. When I go shopping or to Church and I am patient and responsible and my kids are well behaved I get all sorts of “positive” comments about my kids. On the other hand, when I am having a difficult day with them I have received looks and commments to communicate “Are they BOTH yours?”. It is reasonable to think that since I have had since their births to their current ages to parent them, that going shopping or to daily mass wouldn’t be such a big deal.
Just as an FYI: eBay, which owns PayPal, is now on Life Decisions International’s list of companies/organizations which support Planned Parenthood.
Joe Ryan,
Thanks for the tip – good to know. (Well, maybe not “good”, but important to know.)
Paul S. I get that comment regardless of how my children are behaving. (I have six.)
I bought my wife a t-shirt that has a list of responses to snarky comments about our (5) kids:
This shirt says “Before you even ask…” Yes, these are all my children and they’re awesome!
Yes, we have television; we just don’t need it!
No, this is not some sort of daycare; it’s 24/7!
Why should we fix it if it’s not broke?
Yes, we know where they come from…God.
We had planned on two, my spouse just can’t count.
Yes, we’ve heard of birth control; no birth and no control.
You should enjoy our large family; our kids will be paying your social security.
We didn’t plan the first few, why start now?
Are we done!?! We’re just getting started!
I ROFL when I read that listing a few days ago. I always shop with my 4 and they’re very helpful most of the time … until they see the Trader Joe’s monkey and start *acting* like monkeys and then the crazed mom in me comes out … ahh, they’re my joy *and* my path to virtue.
Love this mama!
That was awesome! I have two kids, and I feel the same way! I couldnt imagine 6, maybe one day!
Peace and Blessings,
Danny
I LOVE IT! And I only have one! Thanks for a good laugh!
My mother wanted six when she got married. Eleven months later, I came along, and she immediately revised that desire to three.
Your Trader Joe’s has a monkey?! I want a monkey! All we have is an aviator and lots of planes!
We were all pretty quiet kids, and we knew that asking for stuff would do us no good. Ever. The only time we were asked for our opinion at the grocery store was when it was time to pick flavors for our own birthday cake.
Dad was and is responsible for shopping for cereal. This allowed Mom to stay out of the cereal aisle most of the time. 🙂
Our Trader Joe’s has a shark hidden somewhere in the store (seaside theme) and if the kids find it they get a prize from the treasure box by the managers desk. The managers desk is also covered with blank paper with a box of crayons handy so they can color while mom checks out.
This is an AWESOME arrangement as it keeps the kids on a mission while I shop, and keeps them entertained while I check out. Glory be to God for Trader Joes!
What a wonderful read! You started my day with a good laugh. We have 5 kids under the age of 11, and we always get asked, “How many do you plan on having?” (sacastically of course!) My husband has started replying, “we haven’t planned on any, yet!” Gets a good look, and quiets them down with their sarcastic comments!
At the risk of violating rulz 1 thru 3 and their respective updates (this post seems to have drifted off topic) I’d like to add something:
I think Trader Joes is brillant. Wish we had them up here in Canada, or at least stores with such creative solutions…
Some other answers to those who ask rude quetions about the size of your family could be:
1. Why would you ask such a personal question?
2. Is it a problem for you?
3. (If you are brave) We haven’t achieved perfection yet. Just watch the expressions when you say that! (This also works for those of us who have been blessed with only one or two, and who are asked why we don’t have more. i.e. you can claim that you stopped at perfection! 🙂
Thanks for this one. I laughed hardily. Although I think I know what my siblings and I put my poor mother through…I always wondered why she hated grocery shopping 🙂
What can I say about your writing but “wow” – you really know your subject and put your points across well. I can’t wait for your next post. I’ve found a guy who is good to read too will pass the details on when I find them.
You made some excellent points in that last post on the subject. I find this a really interesting yet sometimes difficult to understand subject. Another guy writes really well on the matter, can’t remember his name at the moment though.
Great-Great-Great read! I was sad to hear you couldn’t actually use the money. Those darn friends. Ha!
I have 5 and don’t mind that comment at all. People are generally very pleasant with me and amused with all the children, only 1.5 years apart! But yes, after 4 hours of being in the store (really 4 hours?) I imagine it would get old.
For those of you who say ”I don’t let my children misbehave like that in a store…” If I am not mistaken you don’t have 6, so until you do!!! Whew! They breed disaster with each one more that you add. Try it, can’t wait to see what happens.
Yes, those mini shopping carts are so cute and so perfect for your little people, but unless each one gets one you are in for it. Grocery shopping with everyone is bad enough, but to have to listen to them fight over the cart and all the screams and squawks from getting ran over on every possible angle, is nearly more than a person can endure-even if you yourself are not the one being ran over! They use it as a weapon.
Too bad we can’t just all go back to living in a TeePee. Then we wouldn’t have to do this shopping thing.