A reader writes:
I’m a college-age guy and, though I’m same-sex attracted, I haven’t "come out" to anyone besides my confessor and a few other older mentors. This is so for various reasons:
1. I’m not attracted exclusively to other males, but the nuances would be hard to convey accurately.
2. I don’t want people to think of me predominantly in terms of my sexuality: "So-and-so, who’s gay, …."
3. Late adolescence is a time of tremendous flux and anyway I consider SSA somewhat curable, but even were I changed people’s ability to forget or take me at my word wouldn’t keep pace.
4. I don’t want (especially male) friends to feel even the slightest discomfort or awkwardness or pity, or wonder whether I have fallen for them.
5. Charity seems to require it: my parents would be devastated to learn of this — especially my robustly masculine father, who would consider himself to have failed his son.
6. I don’t want people, poisoned by modern thought on the matter, to expect of, or reinforce in, me stereotypically gay behavior, views, etc.
For these reasons, I’ve considered myself justified in concealing my orientation from others. But this doesn’t involve only silence on the matter, which itself seems morally unproblematic. It also involves equivocation, implicit denial of my same-sex attractions in certain conversations, and sometimes outright denial (when I’m asked more or less pointedly about my orientation).
Do my above concerns justify mental reservation? And granting so, what is the morally legitimate and prudent response when I’m asked directly? I currently feel dishonest and deceptive keeping this from my closest friends, but I still consider it highly imprudent to tell anyone, even them. I don’t want to lie, but neither do I want to share the truth.
First of all, let me say that the attitude you are taking toward your SSA is very commendable. It sounds like you have a good theological and practical handle on your situation, and you should be proud of yourself.
In particular, not allowing yourself to be defined by your SSA is healthy. If people say to themselves "I’m gay" or "I’m a homosexual" or similar things, it tends to reinforce the problem. What you are is a man. The more you make that central to your identity, the easier it will be to deal with temptations to act contrary to your nature (which is what all temptations are). It is better to say, "I’m a man who happens to have temptations in this area, but I refuse to be defined by my temptations. I can manage and master them and diminish them, likely to the point of being mere annoyances."
For all of the reasons you numbered, and others, I would say that you are justified in keeping the fact of your SSA to yourself.
In particular, I would say you are warranted in keeping it from your current friends, no matter how close they are. The college years being a turbulent time of change, it is highly likely that many of your current friends will not be friends five, ten, twenty, or thirty years from now. You may even have a falling out with some that would cause them to be hostile toward you in the future. For that reason, keeping the matter to yourself would definitely be prudent.
I would also pursue reparative therapy to help moderate or cure your SSA. The folks at Narth.Org would be a good starting place.
As far as the means by which you can keep the information to yourself, silence is certainly an option but when it is not possible, mental reservation is as well. The Catechism states:
2489 Charity and respect for the truth should dictate the response to every request for information or communication. The good and safety of others, respect for privacy, and the common good are sufficient reasons for being silent about what ought not be known or for making use of a discreet language. the duty to avoid scandal often commands strict discretion. No one is bound to reveal the truth to someone who does not have the right to know it.
Here the Catechism is focused on respecting the good and privacy of others, but the same thing applies to our own good and privacy. Nobody has a right to know this about you (unless you are applying for a position where disclosure is warranted, such as discerning a vocation to the priesthood) and the use of "a discreet language" (i.e., mental reservation) would be warranted.
As to what kind of mental reservation would be the best to use . . . I dunno. . . . I guess it would depend on the circumstance.
Much of the time you could probably simply say, "I’m not gay," which is true given that "gay" is an ideologically loaded word that commonly implies not just SSA but also a whole set of additional things, like actively engaging in homosexual behavior and morally approving the "gay lifestyle."
It also strikes me that in appropriate occasions you could simply say, "I like girls" and leave it at that since, as you mention above, you do are in fact attracted to women.
In some cases simply giving a person a disapproving look and refusing to dignify the question with an answer might be the best thing.
These responses are likely to suffice for anything other than a direct question asking if you have any degree of SSA–which is an extremely intrusive question for a friend to ask. For the latter, I would recommend simply refusing to answer the question in one way or another. Giving a disapproving look might work (for the question is to be disapproved of) or, if you feel the need to say something, I know that many people, if asked a lot of personal questions about their sex life, would be inclined to simply respond "Are you crazy?" or even "Go to hades" (it being understood that you are not literally wishing damnation upon somone but that you find the question offensive and have no intention of answering it).
I’m sure that there are better ways of getting around the question (which shouldn’t come up that often; I’d make a point of not getting into conversations where it is likely to come up, though some of that may be unavoidable with college-age people these days). The above responses are ones that occur to me off the top of my head, but perhaps others can provide better ones in the combox.
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Kudos to the correspondent. You, sir, are a real man, and my hat’s off to you.
Ditto. I have often thanked God that I have not had to carry that particular cross. I would suggest that the correspondent go on over to Eve Tushnet’s blog, as she (being in a similar position) has a lot of material on the issue: http://eve-tushnet.blogspot.com/
Check out Courage. From their website:
Courage, an apostolate of the Roman Catholic Church, ministers to those with same-sex attractions and their loved ones. We have been endorsed by the Pontifical Council for the Family and our beloved John Paul II said of this ministry, “COURAGE is doing the work of God!” We also have an outreach called Encourage which ministers to relatives and friends of persons with same-sex attractions.
From our website you will learn about homosexuality and chastity. By developing an interior life of chastity, which is the universal call to all Christians, one can move beyond the confines of the homosexual identity to a more complete one in Christ.
http://www.couragerc.net/
Jimmy’s suggestions were good ones. I’d avoid the common “That’s none of your business” — even though it’s perfectly true — because people tend to take that as a “Yes.” Instead, I’d suggest to any question about your personal life a surprised “Why would you ask such a deeply personal question?” That should deflect them well enough, but if some clod follows up with a “Because I want to know”-response, I recommend a frosty “I prefer not to discuss such matters.”
God bless you!
I am impressed both by this man’s faithfulness to Christ, and in Akin’s response. Well done.
Jimmy, wonderful response to a delicate subject.
Mia, I too am a big fan of the “Why would you ask such a personal question?” response – it’s amazing how many people stop in their tracks – it seems it has never occurred to them that the question IS personal. (Amazing!) That usually takes care of 75% of improper questions. In my experience, people who don’t take the hint usually respond with “Just curious” or something like that (probably trying to downplay just how invasive they are being). That’s perfect, because my response to that is, “I never satisfy idle curiosity.” THAT usually ends the exchange.
I’d recommend to the reader the blog Disputed Mutability. The writer chronicles the journey from almost exclusive homosexual attraction, to predominant heterosexual attraction. She’s now happily married.
She concentrated not so much on changing her orientation, but rather, strengthing the virtue of chastity, as well as trust in the Lord. The first result for her was a great deal of freedom from disordered desire. Then later, to her surprise, she fell in love with a particular man who is now her husband.
This is not to say that all outcomes will be as her’s, but rather to recognise that the call to chastity, trust, and charity is a call to all Christians, and the result of following that call leads to the life that will ultimately be fulfilling. For Jesus said: “I am come that they may have life and may have it more abundantly.” John 10:10
To the Respondent:
Only you can know the content of your attractions, and what it means to you and how you relate to the rest of the world. If you are ambivalent, then I think the choices you have made are prudent- you are certainly under no obligation to try and place yourself into the category of “gay” or “straight” based on the demands of others.
I would caution you if you decide to seek “reparative therapy” at this point to look at it very carefully- it is not a practice that is well supported by medical literature. I am not saying that psychological therapy is a bad idea, if you feel like it could help, but you need to be careful. A good therapist will listen to you carefully and not try and say “Well, you have same sex attractions, so you must be gay, so learn to accept it”- you are an individual, and deserve to be treated as one.
In any case, I will certainly be praying for you.
How about “Do I look gay?” as a response.
“How about ‘Do I look gay?’ as a response.”
I wouldn’t recommend it. It would be better to use a conversation closer, not one that may invite further speculation into one’s personal life.
“I’m a man who happens to have temptations in this area, but I refuse to be defined by my temptations. I can manage and master them and diminish them, likely to the point of being mere annoyances.”
Which, of course, can be said by men without same sex attactions who find themselves highly tempted by their heterosexual urges.
We’re all fallen, it just manifests itself in different ways.
I’m thinking the best response is what Jimmy recommended. Saying something like “Do you always ask people these sorts of questions?” can be taken as a dodge much like “It’s none of your business.” Simply stating “I’m not gay” is not lying, for being “gay” implies an accepance of gay culture and all it entails. And you don’t. You are a man who struggles with the temptation of SSA, and that is not the same as being gay. So saying “I’m not gay. I enjoy the company of women” is entirely true and completely valid as a response, and perhaps the best one you can make in that situation.
Although the original correspondent may already know about this, there is an excellent site (although I haven’t visited it in quite a while) by a young man in Australia who goes by the moniker of Dreadnought (and that’s the name of his site, as well). He is apparently a devout Catholic Christian who is afflicted with SSA and who argues strenuously against the idea of ‘gay culture’; he is not self-loathing, but sees homosexual *activity* as being sinful, while homosexuals as imperfect images of God who are stuggling to carry one particular cross. His discussions and explications of the importance of God’s grace in strengthening him in his struggle for chastity are clear-eyed and almost beautiful prose (and relevant to all who are struggling with marital fidelity, celibacy, continence until marriage, or other sexual – or even non-sexual – issues. He brings it all back to love for Christ and fidelity to His Church. Just FYI.
A couple of comments.
First, Mike, the reparative therapy is not thought well of in psychiatric circles today is of course, true. But not because it doesn’t work. It is put down because under the pressure of radical homosexuals in 1973, the Board of the American Psychiatric Association or whatever it is called, voted at it’s annual meeting to remove SSA from it’s list of diseases needing treatment and reorienting their training and thought towards stating that it is normal and that anyone who is so afflicted should just accept it as normal. The vote was won by one vote as I understand, and the question was not put to the whole membership either of those present or not present. In other words, their full membership. Today, the Psychiatric Associations generally are aligned with the secularism of the day and as time goes on they will be basically stating that everything is normal excpet morality, Judeo/Christian morality.
Point # 2, Jimmy’s questioner should just to what the Church asks him to do. Tell the truth. When asked anything about his sexual orientation just state emphatically: ‘I was born heterosexual, I have always lived a heterosexual life, I am still a heterosexual and will die a heterosexual. End of story. Next subject!” And if pressed past that just state you’ve already gotten your answer and that is what the answer is, nothing more nothing less. Next subject. And if still pressed just say “Forget it. See’ya. Bye”
That should cover it. And there was no lying. All humans are born heterosexual. Any attraction to the same sex is a learned response and it has always been known to be that way. If one looks into the subject past the headlines of the local and national press, you will find that the studies they tout to the contrary can easliy be disproven if looked at in their entirety. They can either be disproven or did not prove what they stated they proved in the first place.
I favor “Go to Hades!” (Actually, I favor a belt in the mouth for a barbarian who asked such a question, but, unfortunately, the law doesn’t allow you to belt someone in the mouth merely because he thoroughly deserves it.)
Hi Whit:
I actually wasn’t commenting on how reparative therapy was perceived by the psychiatric community, I was commenting on its lack of support in the medical literature. A Medline search of the topic came up with very little on the topic. Good medical practice is based on the best evidence available.
A lot about the biopsychosocial aspects of human sexuality are still poorly understood, so it’s probably best to avoid making dogmatic statements like:
Any attraction to the same sex is a learned response and it has always been known to be that way.
In any event, the young man alluded to in this post seems determined to follow the Church’s teachings on the matter- regardless of what his sexual orientation turns out to be. That, of course, is the important thing.
I’m not sure we know enough about SSA to say that “all humans are born heterosexual.” The fact that SSA is disordered does not mean that there cannot be, at the least, inborn predispositions toward it. Concupiscence, one effect of our fallen nature, means that we don’t need to “learn” to be sinful. Consider the passage in Augustine in which he talks about how selfish babies are, even newborns. This selfishness is not simply a learned response, but part of their fallen nature.
Now I’m not saying that SSA is innate; I’m just saying that we can’t dismiss the possibility that it has innate factors just because it’s a disorder. And we certainly don’t know enough to state unequivocally either way. Human behavior is so complex that it’s nearly impossible to sort out what is learned and what is inborn. It’s especially difficult to prove a negative–to say with certainty that there is no unlearned aspect of SSA. But whether there is a large genetic factor or none at all, SSA ought to be treated as a temptation that can only be overcome with prayer, sacrifice, and a real desire for chastity.
I’m of the opinion that any scientific findings on such politically loaded subjects as homosexuality or race or sex can not trusted. The researchers always come to the conclusion they wanted. It’s just bad science.
If someone suffering from SSA wants therapy I would not stop them. I might seek it out in their situation, in hopes of it working. I would keep my eyes open though for wackos and pseudoscience (even within the Church) and stay clear of anything that feels wrong.
I might sound harsh, but the best way to avoid these questions is not to socialize, or speak about or with people who have these stupid questions. It is a very low, and most of the time, an imoral subject or will lead to it, when people start talking about girls, or “who’s hotter”or in your case “are you gay?”. If people have things like that on their mind, then they aren’t worth having as friends. If you want to remain pure, and fight the SSA temptations, stay away from mundane and lustful people who have nothing better to talk about. Good job, and keep praying. The Sacraments are the best ways to fight temptation.
Refugium Peccatorum, Ora Pro Nobis!
How about “Do I look gay?” as a response.
I would respond, “Maybe I am”. Let them think what they will, and the ambiguous response will certainly reap burning coals upon their heads! 😀
Before I make this comment, please understand that I am a person with SSA who strives to be faithful to Catholic teaching. I have participated in Courage groups and recommend it to all with SSA.
Without contradicting any of Jimmy’s counsel, I want to share with the correspondent that, based on my own experience, hiding SSA can consume a great amount of mental and emotional energy.
It may still be the right way to go, because of the reasons you state, and because, if you have robust opposite sex attractions, you would not want to have a public record, so to speak, dogging you when you are in a position to marry. Once you come out of the closet, you can’t easily go back in. There is also the danger of giving too much power to a “gay identity” by labeling yourself as anything but straight among your friends.
I would just say that, among all these considerations, be honest with yourself about whether your friends already know what’s going on. If you have a trustworthy friend who’s in a position to speak to the question, find out how people in your peer group already think, and accept the facts of how they perceive you, even if you don’t like the implications or if you don’t think it’s any of their business. If some of your friends already suspect or believe that you have SSA, don’t see them as “enemies” you have to protect yourself against.
The bottom line of my suggestion is: Don’t spend unnecessary energy maintaining a certain reputation if it doesn’t exist. Somewhere down the line you will exhaust yourself. I recognized this in my own journey when, late in my 20s, I realized that all my college friends had “known” about me, and I felt both chagrined at my self-deception about their knowing, and relieved at not having to keep the supposed secret anymore. (N.B., that began a new phase for several of those friendships that was not entirely positive, because I had to assert my Christian beliefs against their well-meaning but undermining encouragement to “accept” a gay identity and act on it.)
Yours is a complicated situation that needs prayer and discernment. I will pray for you tonight.
Dreadnought – John Heard – would not describe himself as ‘being afflicted with SSA’ – this is his blog site http://johnheard.blogspot.com/
“The vote was won by one vote as I understand, and the question was not put to the whole membership either of those present or not present. ”
A close vote?
Political pressure?
Where was Dan Brown on this one?
It is true that the psychological community does not, on the whole, treat homosexuality as a disease. But regardless of the political motivations of the 1970s, reparative therapy is regarded as deeply flawed. I would caution the correspondant against reparative therapy or the notion that SSA can be “cured”. It can, however, be “treated”. And any psychologist or psychiatrist worth their degree would recognize his strong desire to resist the temptations of SSA. That therapist would work with the patient, who would come to his own understanding of his SSA and how best to deal with it on an individual basis.
Reparative therapy, on the otherhand, is flawed not because of the notion that SSA can be dealt with by the individual without living the “homosexual lifestyle” but because it amateurish, abusive and dangerous to the individual. A real therapist will help the correspondent to deal with all the problems that come with SSA, that he enumerated and that nearly all gay or SSA men have worried over.
This:
http://www.narth.com/
is not amateurish.
I come from the opposite spectrum of the first Anonymous. I never told my friends about my SSA. Did other people suspect? Sure, if only because everyone in this day and age questions why someone doesn’t have a long-term relationship with a member of the opposite sex. I don’t think it’s a question of hiding yourself from your friends. But people have boundaries, even among friends.
But the only attempted “outings” were by people who had a vested interest in finding out my sexual orientation. One guy wanted me to sleep with him, so when I declined, the only possible reason was that I was a lesbian! There was also a bisexual woman who wanted me to be the third “partner” in her marriage. I simply told her, “I’m not interested.”
So my recommendation is that if anyone asks about your sexuality, you respond with “Why do you want to know?” If the answer is “I just wondered” or “I think you are”, then respond the same way you would if someone asked you an incredibly rude question. (Because he/she has.) If the answer is that they have a sexual attraction to you, the obvious answer is to tell him you’re not interested or her you’re celibate.
I hope this helps. And I’ll be praying for you!