A reader writes:
A Baptist friend told me it is wrong for a Christian to actively seek a wife. He says the Bible teaches this when Jesus says, "Seek first His Kingdom, and all these things will be added unto you as well," and in the verse where Paul says that if a man is single, he shouldn’t desire to get married…"
Jimmy, is it true that the Bible teaches this? My friend said we should only be concerned about the Kingdom, not getting a wife, and God might give one to us. I feel it is my vocation to marry. Would it be wrong to join an internet dating service? Or place myself in situations where I can easily meet a woman (like a line-dancing club?)
First let’s deal with what St. Paul said.
He indicated that he felt it would be better for people not to marry because "those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that" (1 Cor. 7:28b). The fact that he was living in an age when Christians would be persecuted may play a role in that judgment.
Nevertheless, it is not an absolute judgment, for he had just said, "if you marry, you do not sin, and if a girl marries she does not sin" (1 Cor. 7:28a). He also said: "I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own special gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion" (1 Cor. 7:7-9).
It therefore is not wrong for a person to want to get married or to take steps toward finding a spouse.
Now regarding what Jesus said, let’s look at the "seek first the kingdom" passage with a bit more context:
[D]o not be anxious, saying, `What shall we eat?’ or `What shall we drink?’ or `What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well [Matt. 6:31-33].
By telling people to seek the kingdom first (having it as your highest priority) instead of being anxious about what we will eat or drink or wear, does Jesus mean that we should not take active steps to get food and drink and clothes for ourselves?
No, of course not.
Jesus is not saying that we should refuse to work or make money or buy, grow, or raise food and drink and clothes.
So he’s not saying that we shouldn’t take active steps toward procuring such things, he’s simply saying that we shouldn’t stress over them to the point that it takes our focus off of God.
The same thing thus applies to getting a wife: There is nothing wrong with desiring one or taking steps to find one as long as one is not led away from God and into sin in the process.
Here’s my own, personal experience with this.
(This is not Church teaching, not meant for anyone to imitate, and, who knows, maybe I’m just strange….)
I set the course of my young adult life toward love and God and neighbor, and service to the Church and neighbor, at age 17, having a strong conversion experience.
At the time I made a personal, private vow that I wanted to “Seek first the kingdom” and be free of a wife and single to serve God for 10 years. During those years I did a lot of travelling for ministry all over California, did “all-nighters” preparing publications, travelled overseas as a missionary, preached at retreats, etc. Being single was very useful.
Then, when the 10 years were up, I had a definite sense that it was time to get married and settle down. I prayed, and basically said to God, “O.K., time to get married; I trust you’ll take care of finding me a wife.”
And that is exactly what happened. I never “looked.”
I just accepted the one God brought to me (kind of like Isaac and Rebekkah, you know?)
Of course, while I was busy preaching and ministering, I was also a little bit slow on picking up the clues of the woman trying to get my attention.
But I caught on eventually.
Then, we planned on taking a walk after a youth ministry planning meeting. You could say that was our first date, and it was our first time alone together talking about such things. I proposed. On the first date. First kiss came later. Fifteen months later we married. Just recently, we celebrated our 19th anniversary.
God did o.k. by me in the marriage arranging business.
So, I guess I’m still seeking first the kingdom of God.
Old Zhou, you have been greatly blessed. You did well in taking God as your Shogglorne(not sure about the spelling, but it’s Gaelic for “Matchmaker”; i.e., Barry Fitzgerald in “The Quiet Man”.
Heh, here’s my story. I have a conversion experience in College. I was going to an evangelical outreach ministry coffee shop type place here in town during that time. Felt peer pressured to make a ‘vow’ of one sort or another to God to ‘dedicate my life wholy and completely’ or some such. Well, I was going to school at the time and I said, “OK God, I’ll make a deal, after school, you can have me for whatever…send me away to get killed on a mission trip somewhere or whatever..I’ll do it. But only after I get my degree. Don’t want to dissappoint my parents” (twas a guilt induced promise, I admit..)
I get my degree, and two weeks later I was married, and after our honey moon, I was working at a stable job in an air-conditioned office (with a window :). All of it was almost completely out of my hands and happened in a mad rush or sorts.
Just give yourself over to God, do what’s natural and just listen to Him. What will happen will happen. Don’t let yourself get too sucked up in someone else’s zeal for a particular interpretation of a passage. Maybe God has other plans for that person.
If I weren’t married with a child, then I couldn’t talk to the other married people in the office on the level that I do.
I forgot to mention that this ‘vow’ was made 6 years before I got my degree and I had completely forgotten about it by the time I finished.
Be careful what you give over to God, he never forgets…
never..
So, if the only thing one can seek is the Kingdom, is it still okay to, well, seek answers to questions on a blog site?
Certainly. Seeking answers to questions about the Faith is part of seeking the Kingdom.
Dear Ed,
God did not say, “the only thing one can seek is the Kingdom…”
Here is the text of Matthew 6.33 (Nova Vulgata):
“Quaerite autem primum regnum Dei et iustitiam eius,
et haec omnia adicientur vobis.”
Qauerite…primum. Seek first.
Give the Kingdom of God and its justice/righteous the first place among those things you seek.
Not “only.”
I grew up knowing a lot of Baptists and was even baptized at a Baptist church when I was 12 (though the Baptist part of it didn’t take), and one thing that I never heard from even one of them was that it is somehow wrong to seek a wife. Maybe that’s part of being a newfangled Baptist – you know, one of those Baptist churches that don’t have “Baptist” in their name. However, about a decade before I converted to become Catholic I hung out with various Pentecostal groups for a couple or three years. Although I recall that getting a spouse weighed heavily on the Pentecostal teenager mind, our pastors typically would exhort us not to be anxious about it. Many times they scolded us for seeking spouses and even occasionally would run a long-haired boy like myself away (this was the late 70s) if he took to much of an interest in the young women. “Don’t seek marriage,” we were told, “seek the Lord instead.” Since I didn’t marry for another 12 or 13 years it may be that something I heard stuck. Nevertheless, I now certainly would not discourage someone from seeking a spouse, but for the sake of vocations, I might tell them to wait a while on it.
Old Zhou, I think Ed was being facetious (Yeah, I know: Leave politics out of it).
ohhhhh.
Kind’ve a wierd vibe in this combox. Did someone just try to tell Dinero how to act or Ali how to jab? —very loose metaphor, not to be taken literally.
we should only be concerned about the Kingdom, not getting a wife, and God might give one to us
Seeking a spouse is a necessary part of the equation. Without such seeking, that is, without willing it and choosing it for ourselves, God is not going to give a spouse to us. For Him to do so without our seeking or willing it would be for Him to deprive us of our free will — and that is something that He will not and does not do.
Thanks for the exhortation once again to trust the Lord in these things, those of you who shared stories. In this day and age it’s all too easy for me to give in to despair and loneliness.
Could we not also state that seeking the Kingdom sometimes includes being married and having children? I’ve often wondered if Jesus’ command to “go therefore and make disciples of all nations” isn’t both a call to convert existing sinners, and to breed new ones and convert them too.
About two weeks before we started dating, my wife put control of her vocation in God’s hands. She told him to bring her the guy.
I, on the other hand, was actively (and, in retrospect, rather relentlessly) pursuing her as I felt certain she was my vocation.
But the thing is…the important thing is…we find the Kingdom in each other. Marriage is a sacrament- a mediated experience of God’s divine love. We are (hopefully) Christ to one another, and, we draw each to Christ.
We live daily and intentionally with the purpose of building a domestic church.
So—to seek a wife, if you are called to marriage–IS to seek the Kingdom.
Some of us aren’t so good-looking that a wife literally drops into our lap!
Honestly, I think putting yourself (chastely, of course) into situations where you can interact with the opposite sex can help you overcome shyness, and help you learn how to treat women. Maybe you shouldn’t approach the situation with a plan to specifically “find a wife,” but I don’t see how increasing your odds of doing so is a bad thing.
In this age where you don’t know your next-door neighbor and where social opportunities for single people in Catholic parishes is severely limited, it helps make an extra effort to get “out there” and meet some people.
“It is Not Good that the man should be alone”
“A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife”
“God desires Godly offspring”
“He who finds a wife, finds what is Good and receives favor from the LORD”
These things being the case, I suspect that the view of the Navigators, some other ministries, and the Catholic Church, that singleness is better than marriage and family, have gnostic roots.
Puzzled, that you claim that Christian celibacy does not have biblical roots means you are not doing your homework:
“Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.” Matt 19:11-12
“I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” 1 Cor 7:7-9.
“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord… I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” 1 Cor 7:32, 35.
Sounds like ringing endorsements for celibacy from Jesus Christ and Paul. The Catholic Church’s practice of celibacy for priests and religious is based on these ideals.
We wholeheartedly accept that marriage is good, wonderful, sacred, holy – it’s one of the seven sacraments. There’s no “celibacy” sacrament. Based on this, I don’t know that you exactly have an argument. What does Gnosticism have to do with this at all?
Puzzled,
To say that respect for celibacy comes from Gnosticism is uninfromed. Gnostics believed the body was evil, and they used it for all manner of sexual immorality, which means they wouldn’t have respected celibacy. your argument doesn’t hold.
Sometimes seeking a wife, or a husband, is exactly what God wants you to do. When you understand marriage in terms of its being a sacrament, you can see clearly the grace inherent in it. As a sacrament marriage leads to salvation, both for the couple and for anyone else for whom their love may serve as a witness.
Puzzled –
The Catholic Church doesn’t hold the view that singleness is better than marriage and family.
It does teach that following God’s call for your life is essential, whether that is marriage, chaste singlehood, or the celibate religious life.
The thing is to seek God’s will and then to “do whatever he tells you”.
I would not be at all surprised to find that some who might have been called to singlehood have made themselves miserable in the pursuit of a mate, or in the poor choice of one.