A reader writes:
I was raised in a Protestant family, but I never really felt "at home" in the church in which I was raised, preferring instead the Catholic Church introduced to me by my best friend. Not until years later, however, did I finally feel ready to make the move and become an actual member of the Roman Catholic Church.
My relatives freaked out over my decision, and the years have not calmed them down. I don’t argue with them, I certainly don’t try to convert. I try, instead, to live by that little rule of St. Francis: "Preach always, and sometimes use words".
Just last week, however, I received a letter from my mother. She has always had a problem with the Catholic Church, and especially with my being part of it. Here is part of what she said: "…I do not expect to see either you or your father in Heaven, where I know there is a place now ready for me…" This letter came from her out of the clear blue sky, and I don’t know what to think about it.
I gather she subscribes to the "once saved, always saved" doctrine, and I am writing you to ask if I should try to address this with her. It greatly saddens me that she would write such a thing, but I am not sure if I should say something in return, or just let it go.
As with any situation like this, there is no unambiguously right or wrong answer. It involves a judgment call based on your knowledge of your mother and what good could be done by addressing the subject with her.
It is understandable that you would feel sad and hurt by what she said to you. Sadness and hurt are the things that this statement would typically produce (along with anger) if something like this is said to a person.
I would try to understand what your mother said from her perspective, which is likely to be that she was trying to do you good.
At least, I assume that this is what she’s trying to do. (There are
emotionally abusive parents out there who simply want to hurt their
children, but I assume that your mother is not one of these.)
She believes that a certain set of requirements must be met for salvation, and she believes that you do not meet those. It therefore pains her to think that you will not be in heaven, and she is trying to spark your conscience in a way that could lead you to re-evaluate your spiritual life and end up being saved.
I would therefore try to look past the sadness and hurt (and, if needed, anger) that your mother’s comment caused and focus on the underlying fact that she was trying to help you.
It must be admitted that, if one thinks a relative’s salvation is in jeopardy, that there are better ways to help them than saying "I don’t expect to see you in heaven." For example, "I really want to see you in heaven, and here’s what I am convinced you need to do to get there." But however inelegant her attempt to help you was, I presume that her fundamental motive was good.
And that’s important. Focusing on it can help one get past the pain and disappointment such comments can cause.
As far as how to respond, there are a large number of options, but here are some that occur to me as potentially plausible ones:
1) Talk to your mother about how what she wrote made you feel.
This one has the potential to clear some emotional air between you, but it won’t address the underlying theological problem. Do it only if you feel it would have a reasonable chance of success. Otherwise, move on to the other options.
2) Do something to educate your mother about the Catholic faith in general.
Like giving her a book or some tapes that may clear away some of the misconceptions she is likely to have that may lead her to think that Catholics aren’t saved or aren’t Christians.
3) Do something to help alleviate her concerns regarding your salvation in particular.
For this I would talk or write to her directly, rather than giving her books or tapes. I would simply assure her that you love Jesus and that you are trusting in him and his grace for your salvation. I would point out that you can’t do anything good without God’s grace, that you cannot save yourself no matter what you do, and that your salvation is entirely due to God’s grace. Tell her that you love Jesus and you know he died to save you from your sins, and that’s exactly what you are trusting him to do.
This strikes me as a response that has one of the better chances of success, but if you feel it would be too direct for your mother you might . . .
4) Simply call her and tell her how much you love her.
Don’t mention the letter. Just shower her with love and try to shine the light of Christ in her life.
Or you could . . .
5) Simply pass over the letter without taking any special action.
In this case you should just try to be a good person and a good daughter, but not go out of your way, as in the previous response.
My own instincts would be to do something like #3, possibly in combination with some of the other options, but I don’t know your mom. I don’t know how she would respond to any of these. You know her and how she responds far better than I do, so you are in a better position than I to decide what the appropriate course of action is.
As with many interpersonal situations, there is no single obvious answer, and when confronted with an ambiguous situation, you just have to make the best choice you can and entrust the results to God.
Doing the best you can and then stepping out in faith this way honors him, and he will bless you for it.
I hope this helps, and I encourage my readers to pray for your situation!
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Great post Jimmy! I think this post will speak to a lot of people, myself included. Although, situations may differ somewhat the fundamental issues remain mostly the same. Thanks for laying out some clear choices.
“…I do not expect to see either you or your father in Heaven, where I know there is a place now ready for me…”
I think one of the other things that needs to be addressed is that her mother doesn’t just feel this way about her, but about her father as well.
This presumption of others damnation, as well as “sure knowledge” of their own salvation seems very heavy-handed, as well as an example of ignorance of Scripture. Why else would such a person as St. Paul say that he daily works out his salvation in fear and trembling?
Yes, all of us have a place prepared for us in Heaven — that’s what pre-destination truly means — but whether we get there or not is (at least partially) up to us and in our hands. Part of that “work” of our salvation is loving the brother (or daughter) we see, as proof of our love of the God we cannot see.
Sounds like many prayers will be needed in this case. Dear Convert-Reader: know that you have the prayers of the universal Church being said for you and your family, living and deceased.
I’m sorry- I could not imagine ever saying that to one of my sons- even if they were living a sinful life. One of the biggest goals of my life is to help guide my sons to heaven, through prayer,example, teaching them the faith-ect.
She was probably trying to do a “shock” type thing- make him realize that he(in her mind) was choosing a “Non Christian Church”.
Even if one of my sons rejected the faith completly- I would never say that- There’s always hope until their last breath.
And personally, I believe the Catholic Church is a good path to heaven(I’m Lutheran)
Jimmy’s alot nicer than I would be.
It seems to me that many catholics who have never been outside the church fail to know how much the enemy works to perpetuate lies about the church. Most of us who came from protestant backrounds thought we knew what errors the church taught but in truth had no real information. I have a very dear young friend who sent me a booklet for Christmas a few years ago. It was titled How a Roman Catholic May Know He Is Going to Heaven. Since I had no doubt of my salvation I ignored it. Perhaps I should have sent her a similar one but I think she was just being kind.
Ah, family.
What a lovely image of the fellowship of the persons of the Trinity.
Sometimes.
Some notes from my interesting life:
(1) When I was a little boy, I learned that:
(a) I was Catholic, and went to CCD and First Communion.
(b) My mother and her family was Catholic, but my maternal grandparents became Lutheran after my granparents divorced ca. 1945.
(c) My father and his family hated the Catholic Church.
(2) When my parents divorced in 1970, I was placed in custody of my father, and he did his best to destroy any sense of being “Catholic” or “Christian” in me, from age 11. I lost touch with my mother.
(3) In college at age 17, I had a “conversion” experience (well, at the time I figure “I got saved,” and baptized) as an evangelical Protestant. My father tolerated this, but mocked it.
(4) By the time my paternal grandmother was dying, when I was in my 30’s, my father’s brother (my uncle) told me that he could see real peace and stability in my life. I told him this was from my faith. My father disagreed.
(5) About the time I was 40:
(a) My mother was dying of cancer, and I was coming (back) to the Catholic Church. I reconnected with my mother, and my early Catholic life. Mom died. After her death, I found out a lot more about the deep Catholic roots of my maternal family, including several nuns (in Chicago and New Jersey).
(b) My father was livid. He absolutely hated that I had joined “my mother’s Church,” and he wanted to continually blame all of his (and his perception of my) problems on my (deceased) mother. I suggested that we not talk about my mother, but about our own issues. He proclaimed that I was hiding behind religion, and disowned me. I told him I was always available if he wanted to talk, but not about my deceased mother. He never spoke to me again, and died in 2004. I found out about a month after he died.
(6) Last week, while searching through various parish records in Los Angeles, I found out that my father was baptized as a Catholic in the Archdiocese in 1940.
Wow. For my entire life he hated the Catholic Church, mocked the Catholic Church, fought with my mother about the Catholic Church, and finally disowned me when I returned to the Catholic Church.
And he was Catholic.
I’m trying to understand why he was so angry at God and the Church. Perhaps it was because his own father died when he was nine years old, the oldest of four boys. My grandmother could not support them all right away, and my two youngest uncles spent some time in a Catholic orphanage in Los Angeles in the 1940’s (an endless source of horror stories for family gatherings). Or maybe it was the violent, gangster Sicilian man that my grandmother later married, to get the family back together. I don’t know.
But after all these years, I’m just floored that my father was baptized as a Catholic.
How little we know our parents, and all the complexities of their lives.
Hrmm Hrmm Hrmm…I hate to be the one to say it, but telling a deliberately (i.e. not invincibly or inculbably) non-Catholic person that we don’t expect to see them in heaven seems to be more of a Catholic thing, doesn’t it? I mean, aren’t Catholics the ones who believe everyone who isn’t innocently, invincibly ignorant of the Church IS bound to be damned? Eh? It’s sad that anyone can tell someone else, “I don’t expect to see you in Heaven,” but that is often exactly what some Catholics will (implicity or explicity) tell Protestants they’ve attempted but failed to convert. So Protestants can’t tell us we’re not going to Heaven, but we CAN tell them they’re not. Seems weird. I don’t like it. Prove me wrong, please!
“I mean, aren’t Catholics the ones who believe everyone who isn’t innocently, invincibly ignorant of the Church IS bound to be damned?”
Ummm…no. And a priest named Leonard Feeney who DID teach that, found himself excommunicated.
No doubt there are Catholics out there who do believe that. On the other hand they don’t seem to have the Protestant certainty that they, themselves, are among the elect. (In short: “You’re damned, but I may be too, if I’m not careful.”) Maybe I don’t hang out with the right people, though.
//It’s sad that anyone can tell someone else, “I don’t expect to see you in Heaven,” but that is often exactly what some Catholics will (implicity or explicity) tell Protestants they’ve attempted but failed to convert. So Protestants can’t tell us we’re not going to Heaven, but we CAN tell them they’re not. Seems weird. I don’t like it. Prove me wrong, please!//
No worries, Angela. You are misled. Since you cannot judge hearts and cannot decide how ignorant or culpable they are for their state in life, you should not be judging the eternal destination of anybody’s soul.
If you see “some Catholics” jumping to conclusions, it does not mean that it is what you should do.
And a priest named Leonard Feeney who DID teach that, found himself excommunicated.
True, but it wasn’t because of the teaching that he was excommunicated. It was because he charged the Archbishop of Boston with heresy.
Angela,
The other side of it (besides what others have written)is that those who willfully, knowingly sepatate themselves or remain separated from the Church or commit heresy have commited a mortal sin, and thus will go to hell if that sin is not repented of. That goes for any mortal sin, and upholding the principle is not judging anyone, since you do not know if they are actualy fully culpable for this sin or not.
There is no call to compare that to this woman’s rash judgement of her son. If whe had told him “if you have indeed rejected Christ and persist in that rejection to the end then I don’t expect to see you in heaven” then we would have something to compare (and agree with).
This reminds me of Pope Gregory XI stepping over his prostrate father to leave Avignon, in obedience to Christ’s commandment in Luke 14:26.
Please share your love for her, even in this situation.
Maybe share Romans 10:9 – because, if you confess with your lips that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
You believe this, Catholics believe this. There are some Protestants that adhere to “faith only” to the degree that you can remain in sin, because the Father only sees Christ in us & not our sin.
The ? would be: if a person can say a salvation prayer & be eternally saved even if they remain in sin(adulterer, murderer etc.)why can’t a person be Catholic?
In these situations, when overwhelmed with trouble in the family, contentious though they may be, when I find myself getting upset (emotional) over this one or that one’s behavior, I immediately start offering aspirations for that person(s). You know, “Jesus, have mercy and save his/her soul”. I find when I can do this consistently, it helps to get me through the emotional rough spots. And I have plenty.
Praying for you!