Return To Confession

A reader writes:

My husband had decided to go to confession after 45 years–and it’s next Wednesday.

I smoothed the way by speaking with Father who will hold our Wednesday evening confessions in his office (not together of course).  My husband is getting scrupples BUT more than that—he’s wondering if there was a booklet for someone like him to offer clues or ideas or direction.

Have you written anything about those who haven’t gone since they were kids and how to not feel guilty about forgetting things?  He’s so worried.  It’s not so much that he’s scared but he’s worried that he’ll forget to say everything and that it won’t count. I’ve told him it’s OK.  Just express sincere remorse and that God knows!  But… do you have anything?

There certainly are booklets that your husband could use. Catholic Answers carries one that is titled something like "The Little Catechism Of Confession" (see shop.catholic.com). The problem is that if his confession is scheduled for Wednesday, it wouldn’t be possible to get this booklet unless you had it overnighted.

You might try going to a local Catholic bookstore, if there is one in your town, as they would probably have things of this nature.

Or you could Google "examination of conscience" and see what comes up.

HERE’S AN EXAMPLE OF AN ONLINE EXAMINATION OF CONSCIENCE.

Because your husband has not been to confession in some time (and it’s great that he’s coming back to it!), I recommend a few things:

1) He should not stress out about confessing the number of times he committed particular sins if he can’t remember. Nobody is obliged to confess more than they can remember, so if all he can say is "I did this particular sin a lot" then that’s okay. (On the other hand, if he knows the specific number then he should say it.)

2) He should not stress out about sins that he has forgotten. The Church teaches that the sacrament works as long as the person does not deliberately hold back a mortal sin that he knows about. If he can’t remember a mortal sin that he committed then he isn’t obliged to confess it. It is enough that he would confess it if he remembered it.

3) To cover unremembered mortal sins, it is customary for people to add at the end of their confession "And for all my sins I am sorry."

4) To help him not worry about forgetting to mention something that he meant to say, he should consider using a written memory aid. This could be a list of his sins that he makes up in advance, or it could be printing up an examination of conscience and putting a check mark by the ones he means to confess.

5) When he confesses, he should be as direct as possible, simply saying, "I have to confess that I frequently did this . . . . and I have to confess that I sometimes did that" and not worry about giving a lot of background detail. Being matter of fact in this way will make it easier to get through the confession. The priest can ask clarifying questions if he needs to.

6) After confession your husband should IMMEDIATELY destroy any written aid he used in the confession. I recommend tearing it up and flushing it down the toilet in the nearest men’s room.

I hope this helps, and it’s great that your husband is coming back to the practice of his faith!

Author: Jimmy Akin

Jimmy was born in Texas, grew up nominally Protestant, but at age 20 experienced a profound conversion to Christ. Planning on becoming a Protestant seminary professor, he started an intensive study of the Bible. But the more he immersed himself in Scripture the more he found to support the Catholic faith, and in 1992 he entered the Catholic Church. His conversion story, "A Triumph and a Tragedy," is published in Surprised by Truth. Besides being an author, Jimmy is the Senior Apologist at Catholic Answers, a contributing editor to Catholic Answers Magazine, and a weekly guest on "Catholic Answers Live." View all posts by Jimmy Akin