Blessings, Money, And Friendship

A reader writes:

My husband (who is a fundamentalist) came home from work the other day and proclaimed that his "co-worker"  is going to "bless us with a bunch of money".   Right off the bat, I had a problem with that phrase.  "bless us with money?!

Here’s the story on the "blessing"–

This woman has an illness of the brain, and requires expensive surgeries, and medicine daily. She sued the Dr. for millions. She says she  prayed about what to do with these millions, and she said that she wanted to bless her friends –one of them being my husband–with this money.  They want to pay off all debt we owe on our house, they want to buy us both new vehicles, build us a new house, and whatever else we may need.  I feel that this money should be used for her health problems, and the money that she has been "blessed with" that she has left over should be given to her favorite charity or her church. 

I told my husband that they were not going to "bless me" with their  money.  I don’t want it, and money is not a blessing to me.   

Since he is a fundmentalist, I need to give him a reason from the Bible why I don’t want to take their "blessing of money".

Can other people give "blessings" such as this??  I just find it absurd to put the 2 words in the same phrase–"money" and "blessing" (from a lawsuit)……..hmmmmm.

I’m afraid that I don’t have a Bible verse sprining to mind at the moment, but I’ll give you what help I can.

I think that there are two issues here. The first is the issue you
raise with the phrase about blessing people with money. The second is
whether you should actually take the money.

It seems to me that the first issue is something about which one does
not need to scruple. Although the word "blessing" frequently has
religious overtones, it can also simply mean doing something good for
someone. In this case it seems likely that the woman feels that God
has blessed her (done a good thing for her) and that she wishes to
share this blessing with others (by doing a good thing for them). This
is a natural and, in itself, a healthy impulse. If, for example, we
feel that God has given us a good thing (knowledge of the true faith,
for instance) and we want to share it with others then that is good.

Having money is a good thing, after all, and wanting to share that with others is also a good thing. We call it generosity.

I don’t think that the woman is likely to mean that she is bestowing
God’s blessings on us in the capacity that a priest of the Catholic
Church would. That is a different matter. It seems more likely to me
that she just wants to share what God has brought into her life so
that it can benefit others.

(There is the question about how she got the money, but that’s a whole other subject that is her business and that we need not address here since I have no facts about the case and cannot make any determination one way or another.)

I therefore wouldn’t scruple about the blessing language she’s using
to articulate this desire.

That is an entirely separate question about whether you should accept
the money or other goods bought with it.

If it is true that the woman needs the money to take care of her own
medical needs then that it what the money should really be spent on.
She should not reduce her supply of money to the point that she can no
longer care for her medical needs.

That being said, it’s her money, and she can spend it as she chooses,
though you and your husband do not have to accept it if you feel that
she is spending it unwisely and should be kept for her own future
medical needs.

It is also possible that the amount of money that she now has is in
excess of what she will realistically need for medical purposes. In
that case, it is still her money and she can spend it as she chooses.
If she wants to give some to her church or a charity, that is her
choice. If she wants to give some to friends, that is also her choice,
as it is the choice of the friends whether they wish to accept it.

Here we come to a very significant point: Even if someone did not need
the money–or a certain part of the money–for medical purposes that
does not mean that it is at all wise to simply give it to friends.

Money has a way of warping and poisoning friendships–especially large
sums of money.

Friendship presupposes a kind of mutuality, where both friends make
equal contributions to the friendship. As long as things are kept on
that basis, the friendship does well. For example, "You picked up the
check at the restaurant last time, so I’ll get it this time," "You
paid to travel out here and visit me, so I’ll pay your daily expenses
while you’re here." As long as friends are making comparable
contributions (financial, emotional, etc.) to the relationship then it
does well.

But when one partner makes contributions that are dramatically less
than the other then the mutuality that is the basis of the friendship
is destroyed. This can occur, for example, when one friend make no
effort to "keep up his end" of the friendship emotionally (e.g., never
being the one to pick up the phone and say "hi"). It also can occur
when one friend makes a large monetary gift to the other friend, who
has no ability or foreseeable ability to reciprocate in kind.

It’s not the same as giving a friend a short-term loan to help out in
a tight spot (though even that is quite risky and usually
ill-advised). Nor is it the same as buying something from a friend (in
that case you have received something of comparable worth). Nor is it
the same as leaving money to a friend in your will (in which case you
obviously expect to receive no compensation or consideration for the
gift).

Instead, giving a large gift of money (or a very expensive item) to a
friend will unbalance the mutuality of the friendship.

This will make the recipient of the gift feel the need to make even
greater contributions to the friendship in order to re-balance the
situation. (E.g., So-and-so gave me a house, so I really need to do
things to make him happy since I can’t repay him in money.) The
recipient will feel a need to go out of his way to please, or avoid
displeasing, his benefactor. And in time these greater efforts that the recipient feels driven to make–which are really attempts to re-balance the relationship through non-monetary contributions–will begin
to wear on him.

He will find himself enjoying the benefactor’s
presence less and less and may even start avoiding him just to avoid
the feeling that he needs to go out of his way to please this person.

All the way through this he is also likely to feel fear that he will
displease the benefactor, and the fear will also harm the friendship. We’re not afraid of our friends.

In a parallel fashion, even though the benefactor began with the best
of intentions, he will begin to feel the new sense of obligation, too.
He will also feel that the mutuality of the friendship has been
unbalanced and that the recipient should do things to re-balance it.
For example: "Look at what we’ve done for them. Why don’t they invite
us over more?" or "How could they go and sell that car we bought
them?" or "Why are they letting that house we bought for them get
messy and run-down?"

Since the two parties can no longer look at each other the same way,
the situation may become tense enough that eventually they start
resenting and avoiding each other and the friendship is over and the two parties think of each other only with pain or regret.

For all of these reasons, the best way to promote a friendship is to
keep it mutual, with both parties making comparable contributions, and the
best way to kill a friendship is to have one party start making
contributions that are vastly disproportionate to the other’s.

The situation is even worse when one party wants to make a large
contribution to the other put also wants to put strings on it (e.g.,
we want to give you a bunch of money but then tell you how to spend
it). When a gift is given between friends–or between anybody–it has
to be without strings. You have to let go of the gift that you are
giving, because if you attach strings to it then those strings will
end up choking the friendship. They will grate on the recipient and
lead to eventual disappointment on the part of the giver.

It therefore seems to me that if this person is a friend of yours, you
would be very well advised not to accept major gifts of money or
expensive goods from them.

There is even a danger here of being
propelled into a lifestyle that you would be unable to afford in the
long-term. (E.g., paying the taxes or upkeep on these things, or relaxing your financial discipline in the wake of a huge wealth in-flow and winding up with crushing debts, or feeling that you’ve got to go out and buy all new and better stuff to decorate the new and better house.)

If your friend really wanted to bless people financially then it seems
to me that the way to do it would be to wait until she has passed on–when
all her medical bills are paid–and then leave whatever money is left
over to friends, relatives, churches, and charities in her will.

You may not or may not be able to express that to her tactfully, but
there is certainly language that can be used to turn down a gift that
is too generous–e.g., "That’s *too* generous! We *really* appreciate
it, but we couldn’t accept that."

Hope this helps!