A reader writes:
Would it be a sin for me to marry (in a Catholic church) my zealous Calvinist boyfriend, who thinks the Catholc church is anti-Christ?
(I was a Calvinist myself, so I’m immuned to their arguments and attempts to convert me. Plus, he will love me like Christ loves the Church and teach the kids about Christ better than most Catholic men, who are usually lukewarm about their religion.)
The Catholic Church allows marriages to non-Catholics in special circumstances, and if those circumstances apply then contracting such a marriage would not be sinful. The conditions specifically named in the Code of Canon Law are:
Can. 1125 The local ordinary can grant a
permission of this kind [i.e., for marriages between a Catholic and a non-Catholic Christian] if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to
grant it unless the following conditions have been fulfilled:1/ the Catholic party is to declare that he or she
is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a
sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are
baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;2/ the other party is to be informed at an
appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in
such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and
obligation of the Catholic party;3/ both parties are to be instructed about the
purposes and essential properties of marriage which neither of the contracting
parties is to exclude.
The conditions named in sections 1-3 of this canon are excluding conditions (i.e., the bishop is not to grant permission for such a wedding unless they are fulfilled), but one should not ignore the implicit requirement of "a just and reasonable cause" that is found in the opening section of the canon.
What counts as a just and reasonable cause is not defined and is left up to the discretion of the local ordinary, but it seems to me that a likely construction of this condition would be "The Catholic party does not have reasonable prospects of finding a Catholic marriage partner of comparable quality to the non-Catholic partner, taking into account the negatives that the non-Catholic brings to the prospective union."
In practice, I think it somewhat unlikely that local ordinaries will think through the condition in precisely that way because they usually do not have enough information about the private life of the Catholic parties appealing to them for permission to make a determination of that nature, but it strikes me that Catholic parties contemplating such unions should be asking themselves if they have this kind of cause.
In other words: Do they lack realistic prospects of being able to marry a Catholic of comparable quality to the non-Catholic they are contemplating, taking into account the negatives that the non-Catholic would bring to the relationship. If it is true that they really lack such prospects then the Church would not presume it to be a sin to marry such an individual, the other conditions named above being observed (i.e., the ones named in sections 1-3).
If the Catholic party does not have the kind of cause just named (i.e., the Catholic party does have reasonable prospects of marrying a Catholic of comparable quality, even if it means waiting a little longer to find one) then it seems to me that marrying the non-Catholic party would, at a minimum, be imprudent and, possibly, sinful.
Things get worse if the excluding conditions are not met or are undermined by the non-Catholic spouse. For example, if it is foreseen that the non-Catholic spouse would seek to undermine the faith of the Catholic or would insisting on contracepting in the marriage then it seems to me that it would be sinful to marry the person.
I also could not personally expose my children to having a parent who was a zealous non-Catholic. It would be one thing if a proposed non-Catholic spouse said "I’m not Catholic, but I have no problem at all with your raising the children as Catholics; I want them to have a religious upbringing, and I respect the Catholic Church" but it would be ENTIRELY another thing if the proposed spouse said, "I think the Catholic Church is anti-Christ, I don’t think Catholics are Christians, and I intend to see that my children are raised to believe in Christ as I understand him."
Even if my own faith was secure (and one should not too quickly dimiss the corrosive effect of decades of subtle efforts at undermining one’s faith–particularly at moments when the Church is asking you to do something hard), I could never expose children of mine to such an environment.
I personally cannot recommend marrying non-Catholic individuals in anything but quite unusual circumstances. I have experience in such a union (only I was the zealous Calvinist at the time), and from my experience mixed marriages always involve pain unless neither party is really serious about their religion.
- If both care about their religion then they will both be pained by the fact that the other party does not share it.
- If one cares about his religion then he will be pained by the fact the other does not share it–and the other may be reciprocally annoyed, dismayed, or otherwise negatively affected by the pain the first spouse has.
- Only if neither is really serious about religion is pain avoided, which no doubt explains why in many mixed marriages both parties give up the serious practice of religion–it’s a way of avoiding the pain that comes with taking religion seriously and realizing that the person with whom you are most intimate in this life does not have the true religion. Many thus slide into dissent, indifferentism, or stop going altogether.
After the experience of my own marriage–which was very successful but still involved pain because my wife was Catholic and I was not–I resolved that I would simply not marry anyone who was not Catholic. I want marriage to be what it is meant to be in God’s design, which includes both spouses sharing the true faith. I will not settle for marrying anyone other than a Catholic woman who is solid in her faith. (Of course, I also have to find one willing to put up with me, but that’s another question.)
I suggest that you consider adopting a similar attitude. There are good Catholic guys out there in your age group (whatever that may be), and the Internet is making it easier all the time to find them if it’s hard turning them up in your area.
You might try AveMariaSingles.Com or similar services.
Hope this helps!
20
The use of the word “quality” when talking about spouses sounds strange to my ear – as if the subject would be horses or cars. But then, English isn’t my mothertongue.
I concur.
(Though)I am not closed to the posibility of meeting, falling in love with and marrying a non-Catholic…but, I think that I would prefer to remain unmarried if it meant that there would be any animosity or religious conflict, or a lack of sharing fully, my faith with my spouse.
In my own experience, I have never been married to (or in a relationship with) anyone who practised their faith…but then, at the time I wasn’t practicing mine very well either…and God was certainly not at the centre of any of those relationships…can you spell failure?
However, now that I ‘live’ my faith, and that God ( Eucharistic God!) ‘is’ at the centre of my life…God is in charge of that area of my life. If He has a future marriage plan for me then I’m trusting Him to arrange for that to happen…if it doesn’t happen, I’ll pray for the grace to accept that to.(though I’d prefer to share my life and my faith with a husband).
So, to sum up…knowing how much my Catholicity means to me, I wouldn’t willingly place myself in a relationship where I couldn’t share my whole self, and since who I am is in essence, Catholic… and the way that I live my life is in line with the Teachings of the Church,my faith is borne out of love for a God who has revealed Himself fully to me in the Catholic Church.
…well, it might sound stupid, but I want to be with a man and have us go to confession together, to go to Mass and know that what we share is a beautiful gift that enamates and reverbarates through our whole relationship. I want us to pray together, and I want us to stay together…
ok, before I ramble further, i’m off for my morning coffee!
God Bless.
P.S Personally, I would not use a dating agency. But really, that’s a whole different subject…though I’m sure that many a happy and fruitful relationship can have it’s beginnings in such a meduim…and as for the net…No way! Maybe if I didn’t have children it wouldn’t be such a scary idea.
Speaking as one of three seriously Catholic children of a good marriage between a serious Catholic (my mom) and a serious United Methodist (my dad), I think you don’t want to be too discouraging about this stuff. (I for one enjoy my existence.)
However…my dad was never someone who disrespected Catholicism. I want to make that clear. My parents got the dispensation, had the nuptial Mass, promised to raise us Catholic… the whole shebang. Also, both families worked hard to make it work, and there was even a certain amount of cultural connection (the O’Briens were Catholic until Great-great-great-grandpa Cornelius skipped out on the seminary and came over here from Ireland).
But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy for my dad. He goes both to his church and to Mass with my mom. (Though I found out when he was a kid he was in some reaaaaally long service Brethren church that got folded into United Methodist, so maybe he likes all that sitting.) Everybody assumes he’s Catholic. He got stuck with being on Catholic Committee on Scouting when my brothers were in Boy Scouts. Heck, he has a daughter whose patron saint is Mary, when he’s got a Mary problem! He’s the one who got us kids reading the Fathers (we always raided his bookshelves).
Meanwhile, my mom is all “look it up in the Baltimore Catechism” (not in a rad trad way). We always went to Mass every Sunday, vacations no reason not to.
I’m sure there was conflict at times, but either my parents worked it out before we were born or they kept it _very_ quiet. (And knowing my parents, I sorta doubt they kept it quiet. We’re a loudly argumentative bunch.)
So basically, the reason the whole thing works out is that everyone involved makes a persistent and stubborn effort. I really hope that my dad becomes Catholic someday; but to be honest, I don’t really expect it because of that same stubbornness. (Though if the UM leadership keeps up the stupid stuff, Dad could be swimming the Tiber one of these days.)
Forgot to add that my dad _doesn’t_ think the Catholic Church is Anti-Christ. To be honest, I would think that would be a _tad_ bit of a problem in any relationship.
Take away the religious motif and you may see this more clearly. What if the boyfriend was under the (untrue) impression that your dad was a Mafia boss? Wouldn’t that be a bit of a damper? If he was a good man, he’d be obliged to keep trying to rescue you from your family, which would at the very least be a constant pain in the butt. The only way he could possibly accept the situation while believing it would be if he were a bad or wimpy guy — and you wouldn’t want that — or if he were biding his time to convince and rescue you some more — which would be a pain in the butt. The whole situation would be a horrible insult to your poor dad (not to mention your poor mom). Family estrangement galore!
All in all, I think the rule for this situation is “Never date anyone crazier than you.” In my opinion, calling another group of Christians Antichrist is pretty much right up there with “Elvis is still alive”, except a lot less harmless. So I would think that it would be reasonable to wait on marriage until the boyfriend stops having such deeply insulting beliefs about you and your family of faith. You can live with a husband thinking “you’re wrong”, but not with “You’re a dupe of ultimate evil”.
I’m currently married to a wonderful man who disagrees with ALOT about the Catholic faith. It’s very difficult to raise our young children in the faith, especially when oldest dd, now 6, asks why daddy doesn’t go to Mass with us.
My Catholic, no longer practicing, mother, married a Methodist, no longer practicing, father. I went to a Cathoic grade school, but she stopped taking me to Sunday Mass when I was in about 3-4 grade. I didn’t go back to Sunday Mass until I was about 23.
“Mixed” marriages can work, as Maureen has pointed out. But my recommendation is for the couple to seriously look at their faith and their relationship, exclusive of all the warm fuzzy feelings their future spouse makes them have, and discern if they are strong enough to go through the strain differing religious viewpoints can put on the marriage.
We are just not capable of understanding God’s plan for us. That makes your decision doubly difficult. I was a lukewarm cradle Catholic and married a diehard anti-Catholic. Sunday we will celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary and we will go Mass as a Catholic family with our three beautiful children. My husband and I brought each other to the Church over 11 years ago. It has been a fabulous journey and we couldn’t be happier. Good luck. I will pray for you.
I agree with Mary Wert. I am married lapsed southern baptist (I was a lapsed Roman Catholic) in the Cathlic Church. He promised to raise any children in the faith (he recently told me that when he promised that he didn’t really mean it at the time, and he thought to himself that he would give this marriage a few years and then divorce me if it didn’t work out-does that mean I can get an annulment?;)) We both had a conversion (or reversion)experience and are now devout Roman Catholics marrried 12 years with four children (two in heaven). God worked a miracle in our lives so I would just pray hard about it.
What you guys are noticing, and I think rightly, is that religious differences between Catholics and other baptized Christians do not figure significantly in marital breakdown. They just don’t. This is a decade of tribunal work talking here, and I don’t know what this fact says in turn about other important things, but Catholic/non-Catholic marriages do not stress over religion. NB: Catholic-Jewsish, Catholic-Muslim, and Catholic-unbaptized in general marriages DO experiece problems based on faith differences. FWIW.
I recommend you both reading together Steve Wood’s books “ABC’s of Finding a Good Husband” and “ABC’s of Finding a Good Wife.” This would bring up a lot of really insightful discussions for marriage discernment, which is what dating is. (Don’t wait for engagement.)
http://www.familylifecenter.net
Also remember–you are not ONLY going for a marriage that doesn’t end in divorce, you are going for a GREAT marriage with a GREAT environment for raising kids. I think you should be sure to open yourself up to whatever Our Lord leads you to do, even if it’s hard. I’m not saying what that is (though of course I have my opinion)–I’m just saying be sure to be WILLING to do whatever He leads you to, or else you will not be able to come to a peaceful decision either way.
Remember to keep God before your boyfriend. (It sounds like you are doing that, but it’s worth reminding yourself often anyway.)
Maybe instead of “quality” in a strict rating sense, he meant something more like “with similar qualities.” The point was, not just that you have to be willing to marry any old Catholic in the world that would be willing to marry you, but someone with the qualities that you are looking for. Or he could have meant moral quality (in more like a rating sense–strength of his convictions).
What if the Catholic party has “reasonable” but unlikely chances of finding a Catholic spouse instead? In other words, the chance of finding a Catholic to marry is a reasobable possibility in most cases, but it is an improbable one in mine.
“Things get worse if the excluding conditions are not met or are undermined by the non-Catholic spouse. For example, if it is foreseen that the non-Catholic spouse would seek to undermine the faith of the Catholic or would insisting on contracepting in the marriage then it seems to me that it would be sinful to marry the person.”
How could this be? It seems that the 3 excluding conditions apply only to the Catholic party.
I have to disagree with Ed Peter’s comments. I am a longtime facilitator for RCIA and especially the inquiry portion (where people come to ask questions when they’re considering converting to Catholicism). A great number of the people there are spouses or future spouses of Catholics. I’ve seen numerous marriages that have been torn apart by their Christian faith differences. They often come to Inquiry as a last ditch attempt at reconciling and it usually fails. One recent couple was particularly difficult to witness because you could see the pain it had caused their 10-year marriage and that they both sensed that they couldn’t go on like this forever.
My advice to anyone who is considering an interfaith marriage is to REALLY pray A LOT about whether it is God’s will for you to be married to this person. From the many above examples and from my personal experience, it is clear that it is possible for an inter-faith marriage to work, but it can be VERY difficult and requires charity in each spouse towards each other far beyond the average case.
I feel confident saying that if your spouse-to-be is actively trying to convert you and you’re not going to convert, you’re headed for troubled waters.
Speaking as a phone and Internet apologist, I can say that easily the bulk of the questions I field are on marriage, weddings, and annulments.
The most heartbreaking calls and Internet questions are the ones from Catholics struggling to raise their children Catholic in interfaith marriages. The most heartbreaking interfaith questions are from those whose spouses have left the faith and are now anti-Catholic (which goes to show that one’s faith isn’t necessarily secure even in a Catholic/Catholic marriage, much less a marriage that starts out interfaith).
Although I had already long before decided that I would only marry a Catholic, such calls only solidified that resolve. There will be plenty of crosses to carry even in a Catholic marriage. There is no reason to fashion yet another cross by marrying a non-Catholic.
Ken: I wouldn’t dismiss Ed’s experience doing tribunal work too quickly.
I think that both your experience (lots of problem mixed marriages in RCIA programs) and his experience (markedly higher marriage failure rates in marriage to non-Christians vs. marriages to other Christians, the latter having a failure rate comparable to Catholic-Catholic marriages) can both be true.
That said, my post was not directed to the question of marriage failure. It was directed to the question of *pain* in a marriage, and pain can be present in abundant quantities–even in a *very successful*, loving marriage–even if it does not lead to marriage failure.
I’d also note that several individuals above (neither you nor Ed) are in proximity of a Rule 20 violation.
It may be true that one’s parents worked it out, but one’s perception of the situation as a child–even an adult child–is severely skewed. Children have little idea of what their parents have gone through unless the parents go out of their way to describe it for them.
Also problematic are the “I married a non-Catholic and my spouse became Catholic” posts. These run the risk of being taken as holding out a serious prospect that the same thing would happen in the marriage of the individual writing to ask if it would be sinful to marry a particular anti-Catholic.
While it is a cause for rejoicing that these situations worked out the way they did, one must not hold out such resolution as if they are at all to be counted upon to individuals still in the process of discerning who to marry.
You never marry anyone based on what you *hope* they will become or how you *hope* they will develop in the future. Always assume that what you see is what you’re going to get. Going into a marriage on the assumption that the other party will change–or that you will change them–is a great way to ask for pain and disappointment in marriage (if not marriage failure).
In terms of quality as a marriage prospect, if this term sound strange to some, try substitute terms like “fittingness” or “suitability.”
The terms are meant to capture the fact that some individuals are better marriage prospects than others. This is partly due to individual differences (A is a better marriage partner for B than for C) as well as qualities that make a person a better marriage prospect in general, irrespective of individual differences. (E.g., a beau who can hold a job is a better marriage prospect than a beau who can’t.)
In regard to Anon’s question, one must look at the situation based on what is a realistic possibility for one as an individual, not what is likely possible for others. That being said, one should not be too quick to assume that one cannot find a Catholic spouse of comparable quality–particularly when one takes into account the pain that marrying an anti-Catholic would result in.
There are just lotsa Catholics out there, and the odds of finding someone (particularly in the age of the Internet) who is both Catholic and a good match for one are higher than one tends to assume.
To reiterate, (sorry if it’s getting boring) when the potential exists to share my faith with a devout Catholic…I feel that settling for anything lesser than this ideal would have a detrimental effect upon any interfaith marriage that I could partake in.
I can’t think of anything more beautiful than kneeling side by side in a pew at Mass, with a man who understands (as he is able) and wholeheartedly embraces the Truth of Catholicism…I want to share my love of the faith with a person who feels and believes as I do. I’m not ruling out the possibility of inter faith marriage, but I wouldn’t actively search for a prospective marital partner who is not a non- Catholic either.(Though I wouldn’t actively search out any future husband material, truth be told!)
Marriage is a journey with many twists and turns and I want us to be on the same page, sharing a similar perspective, in obedience to the Church…loving as God means us to love, completely and wholly…for me, that means partaking of the Eucharistic life in unison…raising mine/ his/ our children together in the faith to which we both belong.
This afternoon I took both my children with me to Confession and one by one as we each entered the confessional… it struck me, that this is precisely the way in which God intends for us to partake of the Sacramental life…as family (and part of a bigger family still)…my priest even commented on it when one of my gripes was feeling inadequate as mother to my children…he responded that I must be doing something right to have succeeded in a truly contrite teenager making her confession prior to mine!…that it can be very troublesome to have differences of religious belief and practice within the family, and how beautiful unity is within the family environment…when we share our Catholicity, we each share in the journey of our faith and it should be our desire to educate and further the path of holiness of our loved ones.
God Bless.
I took ages posting that last entry, hope I wasn’t breaching any rule in posting again, and at such length, or my post content, for that matter.
If so, I apologise.
God Bless.
Ken, tribunal personell have much, much more ability to focus on specific MARITAL issues than do RCIA facilitators, and we have MANY more means to get at reliable information about those issues than can be surfaced at inquiry sessions. In any case, I’ll put it this way: what people THINK their problems are (and hence, what they might say to nice folks in RCIA) versus what their problems REALLY are (and what tribunal experts can better come to see) are frequently not the same things. I don’t think I disagree with your post, since I’m not talking about the same things as you are, but then, you are not talking about what I actually posted either, so I’m not sure how you conclude to your disagreement. PS: It is, of course, logically possible that the pool of, oh 2,000, marriage cases which I saw were incredibly disproportionately free of discord arising from Catholic-BNC differences, or, that I was blind as a bat and missed all that the evidence that you seem to think is there. But I don’t think so. PS2: My own parents are married 49 years, Catholic-Methodist the whole time, and never argued about religion. FWIW.
I didn’t notice the 20. Sorry about that.
RULE 20 VIOLATION.
For what it’s worth: having the same religion has been a great comfort for me and my wife, given the curveballs that life has thrown us, the most difficult of which is a child with a developmental disability. Being both Catholic has helped us persevere, through a common outlook and prayer life.
When fiances are preparing for marriage there is a common expectation of a “normal life”, which, unfortunately, is not guaranteed. It seems to be prudent to take into account those things which will help the marriage survive in the face of unforeseen difficulties.
My parents are products of interfaith marriages (one in which the spouse later converted). There are also a number of interfaith marriages in my generation of family, most of them very contented marriages. The key seems to be the respect with which the spouse’s religion is treated in the home and the common front that is presented to the children on moral issues.
If a spouse is anti-Catholic (or anti-Semitic, in the case of my Jewish cousin), it’s a setup for failure – if not of the marriage, than of the spouse’s unmolested practice the faith. There is often intense pressure to convert, and definitely after children it increases. (I won’t ever forget my cousins crying because “Mom’s going to Hell – Dad said so”.)
Of my cousins and aunts who divorced, only one actually went through the anulment process. A couple have married outside the Church or turned to other Christian denominations.
Granted, this is anecdotal evidence – your mileage may vary – but I think my auntie put it very well when I considered marrying a Christian who had “issues” with Catholicism:
“Would you marry a misogynist?”
There are few kinds of loneliness deeper than being spiritually separated from your spouse. It is painful enough to create and endure such a condition after marriage through conversion. Why begin at such a disadvantage?
“would, at a minimum, be imprudent and, possibly, sinful.”
I’m having trouble understanding this portion. How can something be imprudent and not at the same time be sinful? Since prudence is a virtue, it would seem that an act of imprudence is an act against virtue and thus a sinful act. Were you just meaning to distinguish between something being objectively imprudent and one being culpable for the same? Please clarify for me if you have time.
Tertullian hit the issue rightly:
How can we be equal to the task of singing the happiness of a marriage which the church unites, the Eucharist confirms, the blessing consecrates, the angels proclaim, the Father ratifies? Not even in the world do sons marry rightly and properly without their father’s consent. What is the tie of two believers with one hope, one discipline, one service? They are siblings; they are fellow slaves; there is no separation of spirit or flesh. They are truly two in one flesh; where there is one flesh, there is also one spirit. Together they pray, they work, they fast, teaching, exhorting, supporting one another. Together in the church of God, at the banquet of God, in anxieties, in persecutions, in joys; no one hides anything, avoids the other, or is disagreeable to the other; willingly the sick is visited, the poor is helped; alms without afterthought, sacrifices without hesitancy, daily zeal without obstacle; no greeting is hurried, no congratulation lukewarm, no blessing unspoken; among themselves they sing psalms and hymns, and challenge one another to sing better for God. When he sees and hears them, Christ rejoices and sends them his peace; where the two are, there he also is, and there is no evil.
Ed, I apologize. I had no intention of dismissing the value/truth of your experience in marriage tribunals. It is obviously of great value to this discussion. I very poorly worded the openning to my post. What I should have said is “My experience as an RCIA facilitator has been quite different from Ed Peters…”
Basically I just meant to add my perspective (hopefully of some value) to your clearly valuable perspective. Sorry for the overly-antagonistic tone in my first post and lack of clarity of my intent.
Jimmy, your added comment “You never marry anyone based on what you *hope* they will become or how you *hope* they will develop in the future.” illustrates to the crux of the matter as I see it for a great percentage of failed/troubled interfaith marriages I’ve encountered in RCIA.
Ken, NHF…best, edp.
Note that even if you marry another Christian — Tertullian’s description includes worshipping together as part of the union. How can you worship together when you attend different churches? Indeed, one will be excluded “at the banquet of God,” because we can not join in Communion with those who are not in communion with us.
Jimmy, you said that it would be sinful to marry someone who believes in contraception, but elsewhere I read that the non-Catholic spouse is not required to make any promises or change his beliefs. Most all interfaith marriages involve a Protestant who believes in contraception, and most of the are allowed by the Church. Please clear things up.
+JMJ+
I was married to a virulent anti-Catholic Calvinist (I was a fallen away Catholic at the time), and I do NOT recommend such a marriage. I am now divorced and have applied for an annulment.
I think Jimmy’s “three possibilities” for mixed marriages are exactly right.
I do not plan to marry again, even if the annulment is granted, but if I did remarry, there is no way my husband would be anyone other than a believing Catholic. I would rather be single than have a husband who did not share the most important thing in my life – especially when it was time for children.
I am happy for the commenters who have had successful mixed marriages, even when one spouse has a strong Catholic faith, but I can’t help believing that they are the exception. I think the majority of successful mixed marriages involve lukewarm spouses.
As I said, I was a fallen-away Catholic when I got married, but even then my husband’s ANTI-Catholicism disturbed me. However, I ignored it because I was “in love.” It became much harder to ignore our differences after we had children and after I started exploring returning to the faith.
At one point, I bought Fr. Hardon’s Catechism (this was before the JPII Cathechism had been published) and read it, and thought even the parts about contraception made sense. I was ready to give it a try. But of course my husband would have none of it. I eventually lost interest and fell away again.
(Pre-conversion,) I left him after 11 years of marriage and got a civil divorce. His hatred of Catholicism was far from the only reason, but it was always a “thorn” in our marriage.
And, yes, I understand the irony of being the “Catholic” spouse who initiates the separation and divorce. He was a Calvinist and was more anti-divorce than I was. But I think how ironic it is that, if he had “let” me become one of those hated Catholics, then I might have accepted Church teaching on divorce. Also, I would have known to pray for him and for our marriage, which I was too ignorant to do – so instead I just got fed up.
(Believe me, I blame many of the problems in our marriage on myself, but don’t discount the effect on a Catholic of a spouse who hates the Catholic Church.)
If you haven’t done it already, you should find a faithful priest and get some individual (not “couple”) counseling to help with your discernment.
I know this has to be a very difficult decision for you. I pray that you will make a good one. God bless you and your fiance.
The common thread in this seems to be children.
I was an essentially-we’re-all-the-same Catholic, and my bride was a culturally conservative Protestant (Primitive Methodist to be exact). My wife and I were convinced of the necessity of religion for a proper society, but I don’t think either of us really associated that with true faith. Our Church attendence, I’m afraid, evidenced our faith.
Our son is born, and about 6 months later, I realize that if we are to provide him a religious foundation, we better go to a church. So, I tell my wife that Jonathan and I are going to mass and that she is welcome if she would like to come. (There is an advantage to being Catholic in that you can always find a church. My wife’s denomination in Wisconsin only had churches in the southwest part of the state.) My wife balked at this, and so we decided to look into the Baptist church, because they were conservative. Two Sundays later, we start attending one, and we both became Baptists.
To make a long story short, we moved. My wife opted for a non-denom, evangelical church. I hated it and was working 3rd shift. I started listening to Catholic radio and figured out where I belonged. That decision brought much angst into the marriage. After much acrimony, it looks like we are moving again, and my wife has indicated that she doesn’t want to look for a church and that she will be attending my church.
Have I seen mixed marriages work? Yes. My maternal grandparents have been married over 50 years. They are Catholic and Lutheran. The children were all raised Catholic, but this was a condition of getting married. Only one of their children have a relationship with the church any more, although I hope for the rest of them.
I think Arbp. Dolan’s generic advice in one his books is applicable: (paraphrase) One of the keys to living a holy life is not resisting temptation, but not putting yourself in a position to be tempted.
The question is not whether the spouse believes in contraception but whether he insists on contracepting in the marriage
Although it may be morally permissable to have sexual intercourse with your contracepting spouse, if you do not consent to the contraception as such, your spouse may insist on your doing something to assist, or even doing it yourself — such as taking the pill.
I should add that if I truly understood my faith when I was about to marry, I certainly would want to discern God’s will and marry someone similar to my beliefs. You certainly don’t want to hope that someone will change and act on that because it probably won’t happen.
I can’t believe that I’m admitting this publically, but God must have used this blog post to reach me somehow, because not only have I revised my opinion of such sites as AveMaria Singles…but I went and joined!
God Bless!
I won’t give my name because what I’m about to say is very personal.
I’m a cradle Catholic, my husband is Anglican, and I am struggling. Shortly after we married I did some reading on contraception. I now agree with the Catholic teaching on it; but earlier I had no problems accepting the use of condoms (once we married and became sexually active).
It’s only been a year since our wedding, but now the sexual aspect of our marriage is a nightmare for me. Please make sure you discuss the issue of contraception – and if you are not sure, inform yourself. Thoroughly.
Naomi hits it on the head: “There are few kinds of loneliness deeper than being spiritually separated from your spouse. It is painful enough to create and endure such a condition after marriage through conversion. Why begin at such a disadvantage?”
I’m in that situation now, and to have something central to your life that ought to be a source of shared joy, but instead simply Can’t Be Discussed with your spouse free of strife, is a sore trial indeed.
hi
i’ve read all your comments and i would like to know what your views on catholic/muslim marriages are. i am a practicing catholic female in love and engaged to a muslim man and i’ve got a 5 year old daughter and we all get along quite well but now as we get closer to our date set for the marriage i’m becoming nervous, don’t get me wrong i love this man and he loves us , we agreed to stay and practice our own faiths(he’ll remain muslim and me catholic) but after reading the posts i’m having second thoughts, will my church marry us will we be able to make it work i want to we both want it to work but i’m having no false hopes of him converting and i told him in no uncertain terms that i am not converting to muslim reason not that we hate or condem each others religion but we dwant our children to feel free to experience both faiths and decide for themselves but he has agreed to raise my children in the catholic faith as long as he can share his life with both me and my daughter he loves us to death thanks alot for taking the time to read my message and hope that your input would help me to make the right decision