Evil Overlord Update

A piece back I blogged about

THE EVIL OVERLORD LIST.

In case you missed it, it’s a list of resolutions that you should keep should you ever become an evil overlord. Things like:

  1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

This weekend I was watching some sci-fi, and it bought to mind a couple of new points for the evil overlord list. I therefore propose the following resolutions:

  • My Robotic Legion of Terror (and my Synthetic Vampire Army and anything similar) will not have its command and control so centralized that by blowing up a single ship (or killing the initial vampire) one can disable the whole of the fighting force.
  • If I develop a new poison or create a tailor-made diseased designed to kill only my enemies, I will not spend lots of resources developing an antidote for it before deploying it. I will wipe my enemies out while there is still no possible cure in existence for what I plan to inflict on them.
  • I will not attempt to satisfy my honor by accepting challenges to duels or other ritualized forms of "to the death" combat with my enemies. My honor will be perfectly satisfied if I just shoot them and get it over with.

Add your own evil overlord resolutions in the combox!

Author: Jimmy Akin

Jimmy was born in Texas, grew up nominally Protestant, but at age 20 experienced a profound conversion to Christ. Planning on becoming a Protestant seminary professor, he started an intensive study of the Bible. But the more he immersed himself in Scripture the more he found to support the Catholic faith, and in 1992 he entered the Catholic Church. His conversion story, "A Triumph and a Tragedy," is published in Surprised by Truth. Besides being an author, Jimmy is the Senior Apologist at Catholic Answers, a contributing editor to Catholic Answers Magazine, and a weekly guest on "Catholic Answers Live."

25 thoughts on “Evil Overlord Update”

  2. I put “Agent Freshq” on my enemies list for killing this thread. 🙂

  4. That list is hysterical! Of course if any evil overlord actually took all that to heart they probably wouldn’t be evil anymore.

  5. (2) I will make sure that my robots are programmed so that being presented with the most simple of paradoxes doesn’t cause them to explode.
    (3) I will never, ever use Microsoft products anywhere in my evil fortress.
    (4) I will never, under any circumstances, stand atop a big red ‘X’.

  6. If my giant weapon of mass destruction, able to blow planets by the mere touch of a button, is destroyed by the rebels by blasting its power source, I WILL NOT built another one with the same name and a similar weakness. Also, I will make sure that the generator of the power field that protects it, is not in the middle of a jungle, virtually unprotected, but inside one of the main HQ of my Army of Terror’s military bases, with at least 3 thousand guards working in 24-hour shifts.

  7. I will not subject my enemies to slow deaths using rube-goldberg devices which I activate just before leaving the room to finish conquering the galaxy.
    I will not engage in long monologues explaining my plans to conquer the universe after having captured any heroes whom I happen to detest.
    I will never accept the word of any half-witted henchmen who assure me they have just killed my arch enemy or his only child.
    I will always climb into the nearest escape device for my vessel or base just before the countdown of any planet-shattering doomsday device I have activated is completed.
    I will never, ever admit to being the father of anybody I engage in single combat.

  8. I will not, under any circumstance, talk about any fears or weaknesses that I might have, even if I’m alone in a room.
    When I strike my enemy down in a single combat, I will always double-check that he is indeed dead before turning my back on him.

  9. I will never wear shoes with laces, thereby avoiding the oldest trick in the book.
    I will always remember that I never wear shoes with laces, thereby also avoiding the oldest trick in the book.

  10. I will not put the heroes through ridiculously outdated paces such as walking a plank or single combat with a pet monster. Like Evil Overlord Jimmy, I’ll just shoot them and be done with it.

  11. I will not use countdowns. If I want to launch a missle I will push a button and it will launch.

  12. I will have a vacation home in the Bahamas where I can chill and relax after I have sworn my everlasting vengeance upon the heroes.

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