Mommy Guilt

Mommy Guilt — guilt for being a mother with a career — is not something I currently experience because I’m not married or a mother (although I do hold out hope).  But since I do one day hope to be a wife, mother, and writer, this post by a romance novelist on a romance novel blog was of some interest to me.

"Sometimes, I even have to shut the door and say, ‘Mommy’s working’ in the . . . EVENINGS. Or, worse, WEEKENDS. Can we say slimy, guilt-ridden mother???

"So here’s the deal. I’m going to try to feel less guilty. Because I still believe it’s really cool to teach my kids that Moms can have wonderfully fulfilling jobs, too. I’ll even let the emotion inform my writing. And I’ll stock up on supplies for the next galaxy I have to help build at midnight."

Is it just me or does it sound to anyone else that this is simply saying, "I know something’s wrong here; I’ve even got my finger to the pulse of what’s not working.  But rather than fix it, I prefer to revel in the guilt"?

Like I said, I’m not a working mom, so I don’t have suggestions for this working mom.  But I don’t think the solution is to use Mommy Guilt to "inform writing."  Kids are kids but a short time.  On your deathbed, are you going to be glad you used your Mommy Guilt to pen a bestseller, or are you going to wish you set aside the copyedits to help build a miniature galaxy with your child? 

I read this post and I started hearing Harry Chapin singing "Cat’s In the Cradle."

9 thoughts on “Mommy Guilt”

  2. I used to write and keep a blog when I had a “day job.” Now that I’m the full-time dad to my two girls, I’m lucky if I have time to read, much less write.
    From 0600 to 1745 I’m on the clock full time; from 1745 to 2130 I have the assist of my wife. From 2130 till 2230, I mix a Martini and wonder where my day went.
    The hardest part of this job is that it’s almost entirely reactive; that is, I spend my time reacting to events rather than setting them (once they’re older than 2 & 4, this will change, but for now…). You have no idea how exhausting it is to not set the pace and/or agenda of your own day.
    Am I looking for a “real” job? Sure; my wife would like to quit and do what I’m doing. Will I regret that decision? Probably.

  3. I worked as a freelance artist after my son was born. I often started work at 9 or 10 at night and worked ’till the wee hours. I sometimes fell asleep at my drawing table (this was before computers really hit big). Now that my kids are older I can resume the original fine art career I had trained for. Parents must look at raising their kids as the most important job they have. Everything else is just logistical support. Does this mean working at a less fulfilling job in the meantime? Does it mean having less money? Having little (outside) social life? It did for me. I would never trade any of those things for the time I have had with my kids.

  5. The thing is, there’s guilt and then there’s guilt. Some of us feel guilty about _everything_. I felt guilty about eating when Terri Schiavo wasn’t. Realistically, I have to eat and can’t fast along with Terri, because I have blood sugar problems. It wouldn’t help her if I were to collapse (or more likely, act like an idiot but not collapse, and maybe walk into traffic out of low blood sugar depression and guilt). And anyway, fasting wouldn’t make me feel less guilty, because if I wasn’t feeling guilty about Terri, I’d be making something up to feel guilty about. Given some of the things I hear people at work, or even stay-at-home moms, feeling guilty about, I think all parents must have huge amounts of formless guilt about their kids. (Or at least all modern parents.)
    My mother spent lots of time with us kids when we were little. But we always wanted to be with her, even when she was in the bathroom or taking a bath. We didn’t want her to do anything else but pay attention to her, and failing that, we wanted our dad and/or each other to pay constant attention to us. Similarly, we had a constant appetite for sweet sugary things to eat and drink. Similarly, we constantly wanted the toys we saw on TV.
    In short, we were kids. We were walking balls of needs and wants, and we had no way to distinguish between the two. It was our parents’ job to do that until we learned for ourselves.
    So yes, my mother decided that she was allowed occasionally to spend time in the bathroom by her lonesome ownsome. We were encouraged to learn how to amuse ourselves as well as playing with her and each other. We learned that our mother was a human being with her own wants and needs, which would occasionally diverge from ours. We learned that other people were not us. That’s important, too.
    And frankly, having time to write is not an extraordinary or bad thing for a writer to ask for. Even if she’s a mother. If the scheduling is bad, maybe something should be done. But I was taught to leave my father alone when he was grading papers, and to leave my mother alone when she was tutoring or on the phone. We didn’t butt into adult conversations that went on around us. We didn’t tug at their hands or call them on our cellphones constantly, like I see so many kids do. Liking to be around your parents is one thing; being needy or bratty is entirely another.

  6. “And frankly, having time to write is not an extraordinary or bad thing for a writer to ask for. Even if she’s a mother.”
    True enough, Maureen. And since I one day hope to juggle writing and home life, I agree almost completely with what you’ve said. My sense in this post I was commenting on, however, is that the mother in question believed something was wasn’t working. Something that was making her feel guilty. Rather than seek a solution, or even seek to discern whether a solution was necessary, she apparently preferred to continue to feel guilty and use it to “inform [her] writing.”
    Guilt can be good or bad, but one way or the other it should be dealt with.

  7. Hi There,
    I came across your blog and wanted to share information about a new book that I have co-written “Mommy Guilt:Learn To Worry Less, Focus On What Matters Most and Raise Happier Kids”. As a clinician I felt a need to put a book out there that addressed the negative feelings that motherhod can bring on, and Aviva felt in her experience as an early childhood educator a book needed to be out there that gave parents some practical solutions without making anyone feel like they are “bad” parents. There are enough of those kind of books on the shelf. Additionally we do Mommy Guilt Parenting Seminars because we want to encourage a supportive and empowering approach to parenting. I hope you will check it out and ditch some of your own Mommy Guilt!

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