A reader writes:
I have a question about marriage involvement. I know that I cannot attend my cousin’s upcoming "wedding" because she is Catholic and divorced, "marrying" a divorced man, in a non-Catholic ceremony. But what about attending the reception and/or giving a gift? My wife (a non-Catholic Christian) wants to do both, but I feel uncomfortable about them. However, I suffer from OCD, often in the form of scrupulosity, so I can’t really be sure of my judgment in this matter. (Prudential judgment is very difficult with OCD!)
I understand your situation, and it’s good that you check this out. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder frequently does lead people to needless scrupulosity regarding matters. I have dealt with several individuals with OCD, and have some familiarity with it.
In this case, though, I don’t think that you are being scrupulous. If a wedding cannot be attended due to known or presumed invalidity, I could not recommend attending the reception or giving a wedding present. The last in particular, even more than attending, conveys an endorsement of the event. Gifts are given to celebrate things, and if a thing should not have happened, it should not be celebrated.
Even if you tell someone that you do not believe that they are really married and that you could not attend the wedding for that reason, if you turn around and give them a gift for their wedding, it undercuts the force of the message you are otherwise sending–a message that they very much need to hear and that is an act of charity toward them (as long as the message is communicated in a sincere and loving way).
A couple that received a gift from such a person would say to themselves, "Well, he may say that he doesn’t think we’re married, but the gift shows he isn’t really serious about that. The gift shows what he really thinks–where his heart is–and the other stuff is just talk."
Attending the reception isn’t as bad but also serves to undercut the basic message of honesty. It also would send mixed signals to a couple that need to understand the reality of their situation, and so I could not recommend it either.
As a non-Catholic Christian, your wife may not understand all this, but she should understand and respect that your religious conscience (now verified by a professional of your own faith) and recognize that you need to act in accord with that conscience.
Hope this helps!
20
20? Is that some kind of code or something?
See Da Rulz.
RULE #20 VIOLATION.
What gets me is that if I don’t attend a wedding I will be the only one. No one around here understands that marriages are invalid–heck priests around here are marrying people they shouldn’t be. It’s the same thing with contraception. I take a stand on that and all of a sudden, no one wants to talk to me anymore, because I’m the weirdo who has four children and says bad things about contraception. I am tired of practically being the only one who stands up for the faith-here in protestant, bible thumping Oklahoma.
Chin up,Suzanne –
Whoops! I violtated rule twenty. Sorry about that. What I meant to say was, I have yet to find a consistently logical explanation for why attending a marriage is assumed to be a sign of approval, but being friends with the couple, perhaps accepting a dinner invitation from them, for example, somehow isn’t assumed to be a sign of approval. I understand why the Church wouldn’t want you to attend the wedding, but then under what principle is one supposed to maintain any kind of relationship with the couple?
“Sorry, I can’t attend your wedding or the reception, because as a divorced Catholic, you’re not free to marry, and I don’t want to give you the impression that I approve of your marriage. But we can still be friends, so let’s have dinner sometime.”
Can anyone help me with this?
Robert,
A wedding is a formal occasion whereby their adulterous union is celebrated. Going out to eat with them is not.
When the Lord conversed with Prostitutes, he was conversing with them because they are persons, not because they are prostitutes. He didn’t attend work with them, because that is a formal participation in their act of prostitution.
When you befriend a sinner, and make your moral faith clear, they know you are their friend DESPITE their sin, and they know that you in no way support it. If you go out to eat with them, for example, you go because you are their friend (or family member), not because you are celebrating their adultery. Now, if the purpose of going out to eat WAS to celebrate the anniversary of that adulterous union, you would be obliged not to go.
Hope that helps.
Jason,
Yes, that does help. Thank you. However, why does the Church allow us to attend the wedding of two divorced Protestants? If we’re to be consistent, shouldn’t we be prohibiting from attending this wedding as well?
It doesn’t matter whether a the person is Protestant or Catholic. If the previous marriage was sacramentally valid (and most Protestant marriages are assumed to be so), then the new “marriage” is adulterous, and the same principles apply. I suppose it could be a bit trickier to discern the state of a Protestnat marriage because with a Catholic, you know that they have either not received an annulment or not sought one. With Protestants, their previous marriage may have been legimately null and void (sacramentally), but because they don’t believe in the authority of the Church, you don’t know whether they have cause or not. I suppose you would err on the side of caution, and not attend.
I have a question about this. I am an atheist who converted to Catholicism 4 years ago. My best friend growing up, who has always been atheist, got married last year, and asked me to be the best man. I looked into whether it was permissible to go to his wedding, and it seemed like I could from what I read. Was it okay that I did? So I can go to my atheist friends’ weddings (whose marriage is probably not sacramental but only God knows) but not to any Christian friends’ weddings who have previously been married due to the fact that it is assumed their marriage is sacramental? Thanks!
Devam,
From what I understand, yes, you are allowed to go to your athiest friend’s wedding, and in contrast to what Jason stated (perhaps I am wrong), I can also go to the Protestant wedding. Hence the double standard for not being allowed to go to Catholic weddings.
“Of those to whom much is given, much is expected.”
Mary,
Assuming your comment was meant for me, is it your point that we’re expected to follow a double-standard? How about a simple explanation to my question, or if one doesn’t exist, a simple acknowledgment that yes, this is a double-standard that no has an answer for?
>>>”in contrast to what Jason stated (perhaps I am wrong), I can also go to the Protestant wedding.”
You can attend a Protestant wedding, so long as it is not an act of adultery between the two.
Sin and scandal know no religious bounds. Indeed, it would be a more grave witness to refuse to attend a Protestant wedding. They may be acting within the boundaries of ignorance and error. A Catholic generally is not, but knows better.
A “double standard” is judging two people in similiar siutations differently.
One is not practicing a double standard when one treats a toddler who breaks something differently from an adult.
No more is treating a Catholic’s invalid marriage as different from an atheist’s valid marriage.
(BTW, if your atheist friend is divorced, his first marriage may not be sacramental, but it may very well be valid. Attending a second marriage may indeed be wrong.)
“My best friend growing up, who has always been atheist, got married last year, and asked me to be the best man. I looked into whether it was permissible to go to his wedding, and it seemed like I could from what I read. Was it okay that I did?”
Maybe it is okay to go to the wedding, but is it okay to act as best man in a wedding of this nature?
A non Catholic christian? , there is no such species.
folks are either Catholic and Christian, but one cannot be a Christian yet not a Catholic.
It is the heretics, that is Protestants who illegitimately place the label of Christian on themselves, It is time Catholics to object to this error.
One cannot be a Christian and reject Jesus, which is exactly what non Catholics do.