Rules of Engagement (annotated)

SDG here with excerpts from the the agreement worked out for the Presidential debates (courtesy of NewYorker.com) [my comments in blue]:

• Paragraph Two: Dress.
  Candidates shall wear business attire. At no time during the debates shall either candidate remove any article of clothing, such as tie, belt, socks, suspenders, etc. Candidates shall not wear helmets, padding, girdles, prosthetic devices, or “elevator”-type shoes. Per above, candidates shall not remove shoes or throw same at each other during debate. Once a debate is concluded, candidates shall be permitted to toss articles of clothing, excepting underwear, into the audience for keepsake purposes. [Hey, if there’s no chance of getting their underwear, what’s the point?]
• Paragraph Six: Hand gestures.
  “Italian,” “French,” “Latino,” “Bulgarian,” or other ethnic-style gestures intended to demean, impugn, or otherwise derogate opponent by casting aspersions on opponent’s manhood, abilities as lover, or cuckold status are prohibited. Standard “American”-style gestures meant to convey honest bewilderment, doubt, etc., shall be permitted. [Language buffs like Jimmy may say that all human languages have approximately equal expressive power, but when it comes to obscene gestures European gesticulation has it all over standard American.] Candidates shall not point rotating index fingers at their own temples to imply that opponent is mentally deranged. Candidates shall at no time insert fingers in their own throats to signify urge to vomit. Candidates shall under no circumstances insert fingers into opponent’s throat. [I’m pretty sure this is allowed in European political debates.]

• Paragraph Seventeen A: Bodily fluids – Perspiration. [If there’s a Paragraph Seventeen C, I don’t want to know about it.]
  Debate sponsors shall make every effort to maintain comfortable temperature onstage. Candidates shall make reasonable use of underarm deodorant and other antiperspirant measures, subject to review by Secret Service, before the debates. [“Place your hands on your head… POTUS is clear for entry.”] In the event that perspiration is unavoidable, candidates may deploy one plain white cotton handkerchief measuring eight inches square. Handkerchief may not be used to suggest that opponent wants to surrender in global war on terrorism. [Hm, wonder which campaign felt it necessary to stipulate THAT point?]

• Paragraph Forty-two: Language.
  Candidates shall address each other in terms of mutual respect (“Mr. President,” “Senator,” etc.). Use of endearing modifiers (“my distinguished opponent,” “the honorable gentleman,” “Pookie,” “Diddums,” etc.) is permitted. [Any candidate who has the guts to call his opponent “Pookie” automatically gets MY vote.] The following terms are specifically forbidden and may not be used until after each debate is formally concluded: “girlie-man,” “draft dodger,” “drunk,” “ignoramus,” “Jesus freak,” “frog,” “bozo,” “wimp,” “toad,” “lickspittle,” “rat bastard,” “polluting bastard,” “lying bastard,” “demon spawn,” “archfiend,” or compound nouns ending in “-hole” or “-ucker.” [How many proscribed terms can YOU identify as having been stipulated by one or the other campaign?]

• Paragraph Fifty-eight: Spousal references.
  Each candidate may make one reference to his spouse. All references to consist of boilerplate praise, e.g., “I would not be standing here without [spouse’s first name]” or “[Spouse’s name] would make a magnificent First Lady.” Candidates shall not pose hypothetical scenarios involving violent rape or murder of opponent’s spouse so as to taunt opponent with respect to his views on the death penalty. [And we don’t want any OTHER hypothetical scenarios involving the opponent’s spouse, either (cf. Paragraph Six).]

• Paragraph Ninety-eight: Vietnam.
  Neither candidate shall mention the word “Vietnam.” [And both candidates said “AMEN.”] In the event that either candidate utters said word in the course of a debate, the debate shall be concluded immediately and declared forfeit to the third-party candidate. [Contingency: In the event that a questioner refers to Vietnam, candidates shall put cotton in their ears, join hands, and sing all four verses of “Kum Bah Yah.”]

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Author: Jimmy Akin

Jimmy was born in Texas, grew up nominally Protestant, but at age 20 experienced a profound conversion to Christ. Planning on becoming a Protestant seminary professor, he started an intensive study of the Bible. But the more he immersed himself in Scripture the more he found to support the Catholic faith, and in 1992 he entered the Catholic Church. His conversion story, "A Triumph and a Tragedy," is published in Surprised by Truth. Besides being an author, Jimmy is the Senior Apologist at Catholic Answers, a contributing editor to Catholic Answers Magazine, and a weekly guest on "Catholic Answers Live." View all posts by Jimmy Akin