Fifteen or twenty years ago I thought of the idea of combining a cash machine with a gas pump so that you don’t have to go inside to pay. Now such hybrid machines are everywhere.
Here’s another invention I want: I call it, The Song Longer.
You know how there are some songs that are just too good to be so short? There are even some parts of songs that are too good to be so short. Well, the song longer is meant to remedy that problem. Here’s how it works: You load a song into your computer and then The Song Longer makes it . . . longer. It does this in a number of ways:
1. Basic mode: If you simply want the song as a whole longer, it identifies the bridge of the song (the middle part between the intro and the outro) and repeats it as many times as you desire.
2. Advanced mode: After the user identifies particular parts of the bridge for special emphasis, lengthens the song by resequencing these segments in a more complex manner (i.e., so the middle of the song isn’t just played twice through).
3. Superadvanced mode: Like advanced mode, except The Song Longer modulates the pitch and speed of different song elements so that they are transposed up an octive, down an octave and played faster or slower so that there is more variety as the song gets longer.
4. Superduperadvanced mode: The Song Longer composes new segments in the same style and based on the same melody and sequences them into the mix.
5. Extrasuperduperadvanced mode: The Song Longer composes new lyrics to go in the new segments.
Wouldn’t that be great????
The thing is, we already have the technology to do most of this. A good sound editing package can let you accomplish modes 1-3, you’d just have to do it all by hand. The Song Longer would automate the process and make it easy enough for your grandmother to do (even if she doesn’t have a sound engineering degree), while still letting the user have the flexibility to customize the outcome of the song.
Modes 4 and 5 aren’t beyond our reach, either. There are already programs that do both of these, though they may not yet be ready for prime time.
So there you have it: The Song Longer, ending the plague of songs and song moments that are just too short.
(Like that one moment in Dvorak’s New World Symphony where the violins really soar . . . Oh! It’s a crime against the humanities that that moment doesn’t just go on and on and on.)