A reader writes:
My wife and I are lifelong Catholics and have brought our children up in the Church. My son has just informed us that he is engaged to be married to a Protestant girl he has known for only 3 months. We have discussed the local Catholic information course and suggested that they both attend this together so she can have a better understanding of his Faith. We also requested they be married in the Church. They have decided against this and have decided to get married in one month by her grandfather who is a minister. I have discussed the importance of his decision and asked him to delay the marriage a few months. I have made him aware that they need to consult with our Priest to find out what the Church requires (a dispensation). He is not willing to wait and is determined to proceed with the wedding next month.
First, let me say that I really feel for your tragic and painful situation and will be praying for your family. What your son is doing is incredibly reckless by any standard. It is extraordinarily foolhardy, particularly in our culture today, to marry someone that you have known for a total of four months.
A few questions:
1. This marriage will not be valid which means he will in effect be "living in sin" and can no longer receive the Eucharist. Will he still be able to attend Mass?
Yes. People in states of sin can attend Mass. In fact, Catholics in a state of sin are still obligated to attend Mass.
What would be the point of going to Confession if he has every intent of continuing in the relationship?
None, as long as he’s unwilling to either live chastely or rectify his marital status.
2. Is this a more serious sin because it is done with the full knowledge and intent to sin?
Increasing knowledge of the moral character of a sinful act does make it more sinful, though I don’t know enough to assess your son’s personal culpability. Only God sees the heart. Your son may be acting under passions so strong that diminish his culpability.
3. Is it as simple to fix as having it later validated in The Church (after a good Confession)?
It is relatively simple to have a convalidation later, though there may be marriage preparation and other formalties that will be necessary first.
4. What are our responsibilities as parents. I know that we cannot "celebrate" the wedding in any way so as not to lend our presence to the ceremony and thereby indicate that it is "OK", but surely if we visit the couple at any time during their invalid marriage we would be implying that it is ok? Does this mean we must no longer see our son?
The question of how to navigate social relationships without endorsing an invalid union is a very difficult question that many find themselves in. It is particularly painful and complex and depends in significant measures on how the parties are related to each other and how they would "read" different actions as messages saying things about the union.
Attending the wedding, celebrating anniversaries, letting two people share the same bed under your roof, etc., would all be actions that in our culture would be taken as an endorsement of the union. (And it is hard to see how they might be anything other than that, even in other cultures.)
However, social interactions not directly related to marriage may not be taken this way. For example, inviting people (who know that you don’t think that they are married) over to your house or going over to their house is often not read as an endorsement of a union in our culture. The act is remote enough from the marriage itself that in the opinion of many it is not necessary to refrain from these social interactions.
It most definitely is not necessary that you cut off all contact with your son. Indeed, maintaining contact with him may be essential to the future rectification of his situation. The difficult and painful thing is figuring out how to maintain contact in a way that does not send him false messages. Ultimately, one just has to do the best one can to muddle through that.
5. If he rejects The Catholic Church and becomes a Protestant before the wedding, does this make it valid?
If he formally defects from the Church then yes, it would result in the marriage being valid. I would not his about this or even mention it to him, though, as formal defection from the Church is an intrinsically evil act. One cannot recommend an intrinsically evil act (defection from the true Church of Christ) in order that good may com of it (a valid marriage).
If, however, he learns of this on his own and asks about it then one would be at liberty to answer his questions honestly, pointing out that defecting from the Church is intrinsically evil and must not be done.
6. If after the wedding he rejects The Church and becomes a Protestant would the wedding then be valid?
No, this has no bearing on whether the union was valid at the time it was contracted.
7. If he continues in the invalid marriage with full knowledge, later gets divorced, returns to The Church, can the marriage be annulled?
Yes. In fact, it would be quite easy to annul it due to the facts of the case as outlined above. The Church has a special process for cases of this nature since invalidity is so easy to prove.
8. With the limited information I have given you, what would you do if it was your son?
If it were me? I’d do the following:
- Pray really hard.
- Perform penitential acts on behalf of my son and his fiancee. (NOTE! It is important that any pentiential acts of a significant nature be undertaken under the guidance of a spiritual director in order to keep you from biting off more than you can chew or that might pose long-term harm to you.)
- Stress to my son that the course he is undertaking involves sin.
- Stress to him that it will complicate his future and make things harder for him in the long term.
- Point out to him that marrying someone you have known for only four months at the time of the weddig is incredibly foolhardy and that the success rates for such marriages is extraordinarily low. The odds are that he will go through a lot of pain and end up divorced, with all the complications that entails (including possibly having a kid or kids whose mother you are no longer married to).
- Point out to him that if he really loves this girl and that if the two of them really can make a go of it as husband and wife then the most loving thing he can do for the two of them is SLOW DOWN and give them a chance to get to know each other better and let their relationship mature. The breakneck speed he’s doing this at has far more likelihood of HARMING their marriage than helping it. There are issues they need to work out BEFORE they get married. Trying to work them out afterwards will only harm the two.
- Ask him to contemplate the magnitude of the decision he is making. Does he really understand what it means to make a LIFE-LONG commitment to this person based on having known her for this short space of time.
- I’d also go to the girl’s family and talk to them about the situation. The idea that her grandfather is willing to marry them in this circumstances is incredible, and her family may be able to be enlisted in talking some sense into these young people.
- I’d also try to live in hope. Something like a third of all marriage licenses that are taken out are never used. There is a significant chance that one or the other of these two young people will have a change of heart before the ceremony.
God bless, and I invite all blog readers to be praying for y’all!
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