Psst! . . . Did You Hear?

A reader writes:

There is something I have been struggling for some time with. When exactly does gossip become a mortal sin.

When it gravely harms the person being gossiped about through calumny or detraction (that’s what’s necessary to fulfill mortal sin’s requirement of grave matter) and when this is done with adequate knowledge and consent to the action (those are the other two conditions for mortal sin).

In the dictionary it says gossip is the spreading of rumors. But not all rumors about a person are negative, eg: So and so is finally having that baby they have been trying so hard for.

It’s certainly true that rumors can be involved in gossip, but not all gossip involves rumors. It can just be malicious talk about things that are true (i.e., detraction). Also, I suspect that the word is used differently by different people with regard to whether gossip is always negative. Some might not count positive stories you tell about people (e.g., they’re having a baby) as gossip. Others might.

In general, you should be aware that Catholic moral theology tends not to use "gossip" as a category for evaluating actions. That’s why I said gossip would become mortally sinful if (among the other criteria I named) it involved grave harm through calumny or detraction. Calumny and detraction are the categories that Catholic moral theology tends to use in covering this territory.

Before we go forward, here’s how the Catechism of the Catholic Church defines those terms:

2477 Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury. He becomes guilty:

– of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;
– of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;
– of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.

These definitions will make it easier to answer the questions below.

So I thought maybe you could put the definitions into every day life and make it more understandable. Now I know that Calumny and detraction have to be taken into consideration. Making up lies and then spreading them about someone. Or, spreading the faults of others in order to hurt their name or character.

Is it gossip if:

1. my friend or family member wants to vent to me about her problems with her husband/kids? Her telling me that her husband is “doing this” or he was caught “doing something”, or said something particularly nasty to her, and is not really looking for advice, just venting. Would that be gossip? Would it be detraction since she is making the faults known. Is that a sin for me
to listen to her? What degree of sin? (I believe this is where most of my confusion lies)

It may or may not be considered gossip (I could see some folks distinguishing between venting and gossip), but it should not automatically be assumed to be detraction or to be sinful.

Human beings have a need to process their frustrations, and often times this means that they need to "just tell somebody" about what they’re going through in order to release the emotions they’re feeling and gain sympathy and acknowledgement from another.

If you are fortunate enough to have a family, you can frequently talk to your family about your frustrations (e.g., ones you’re having at work), but if your family is who you’re frustrated with at the moment, it can make sense to talk to a trusted friend who will listen, understand, give advice (if possible), and keep his or her mouth shut about what you said.

If this is done constructively, it allows you to go back to your family with your frustrations released and with an attitude that will help you get along better in your family.

If done destructively, it can poison relationships in your family by fostering resentments that should not be fostered.

It therefore is not automatically a good thing or a sinful thing. It depends on the circumstance.

In general, it is not sinful to listen when a friend feels the need to vent. Only the friend knows how strong their frustrations are and whether talking about them will help. That’s a determination that the friend generally has to make, and there is a presumption of deference toward them on that question. (Which is not to say that one always has to listen. You have a life, too, and you may not have the time, patience, or emotional energy to listen at the moment.)

In general one would have an obligation to try to handle the listening side of the relationship in a way that results in it being a constructive rather than a destructive experience, but one shouldn’t over think this or get scrupulous about it. Just do what seems best at the time and leave the rest in God’s hands.

2. What if I am the one frustrated with my husband/kids? Am I gossiping by talking about their annoying habits? Is it detraction?

Not necessarily. Detraction involves disclosing the faults of others "without objectively valid reason" in the words of the Catechism.

Needing to process your thoughts and emotions and get a better handle on the situation can be an objectively valid reason to talk to a trusted friend about them. Just make sure that the friend is really trustworthy.

This is basically the flip-side of the answer on #1. (Or, I should say, the answer to #1 basically covers this territory.)

3. What if it is something good, such as the baby example, or say, so and so’s kid got into college?

There is no calumny or detraction in this case. You’re not harming someone’s reputation by reporting good things (or neutral things) about them, so there is no sin here. (Unless you are deliberately being fast and loose with the truth in reporting good things–e.g., "Did you hear that they just won a million dollars!" when you don’t have adequate reasons to believe that they won a million dollars and they probably didn’t.)

4. Someone comes to me and tells me something bad about someone, for no reason but to say bad stuff about this person. I know she had comitted detraction, what about me as the listener? Sometimes it is hard to get away from certain friends or family members who do this on a regular basis, how do you deal with it?

The burden here is generally on the teller rather than the listener. You as a listener are only responsible if you’re fostering the malice of the person you know is committing detraction.

The social pressure that we are put under by friends or family who want to detract to us usually excuses us from culpability in putting up with them, though there comes a point at which it becomes prudent to say, "You know, I’d rather not talk about that/things of that nature."

When that point arrives will depend on what our relationship with the person is, how successful we’ll be in getting them to stop, how important it is for them to stop, and other situational factors. As before, it’s a judgment call and you just have to do the best you can and leave the rest to God.

5. If they truely want advice and are telling me these bad things, that is not sinful, correct?

Presumptively, the answer would be no, it is not sinful–assuming that the reason they’re sharing the things with you is to get advice or process their feelings. But to the extent that they stray beyond that into pure malice it would be sinful for them. If you encourage them to go beyond into pure malice then it would be sinful for you, but I would assume a person of conscience such as yourself probably isn’t doing that.

Now I know we are suppose to be there to help, and listen when other people need us. But if someone is telling us horrible stuff about their spouse/boyfriend/children and we are telling them we can’t listen because they are commiting detraction (well not tell them in those words) then we are not being charitable, and they will feel they can’t come to us for help.

This is correct. However, as noted, a person can dwell on their problems in a way that becomes morbid and at some point the thing to do may be to deflect the conversation to something else, either temporarily (for this conversation) or permanently (for all future conversations). This gets us back to the judgment call issue.

Thank you for taking the time to help me. This is something that seriously affects me at Communion time and Confession time. When I am trying not to gossip but it comes to me unwanted, and I am sometimes drawn into it. Yes I am aware that I am obsessive-compulsive but if I had a more definite answer it would make things in my spiritual life very much easier.

Based on what you have said, I would strongly counsel you not to let this affect you at Communion time or in confession.

I very much doubt that you are doing grave harm to the person being talked about (as would be the case, for example, if he were detracted or calumniated in a way that cause him to lose his job or his marriage, for example). As long as that is the case, the grave matter necessary for mortal sin is not present.

It sounds more to me like your obsessive-compulsive difficulty is causing you to become scrupulous about this (e.g., worrying about whether saying good things about others is sinful) and that the thing to do is to relax and not worry about this unless you get into a situation where it seems unambiguous that grave damage will result to the person being talked about.

Hope this helps!

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