Over at her weblog, Open Book, Amy Welborn and her commenters are discussing an article written by a woman who chose to abort her child when prenatal tests indicated that the child had Downs Syndrome. The conversation there is well worth reading. But what struck me most forcefully about this article was how it opens.
"’So when do you go for the abortion?’ my friend asked, her voice sympathetic.
"’Wednesday,’ I replied, and then hurriedly got off the phone. I called Mike, my boyfriend, in tears, complaining about how inconsiderate people are, how no one thinks before they speak. The truth was, until I heard the word ‘abortion,’ it hadn’t occurred to me that I was actually having one.
"I was, of course. But we’d been using euphemisms for days, ever since my doctor called to say my amniocentesis results ‘weren’t good.’ We’d say ‘when we go to the hospital’ or ‘the appointment’ or ‘after the procedure, we can try again.’"
And this one of the ways in which abortion has gotten so embedded into our society. A woman doesn’t choose to kill her child, she simply "chooses," as if all choices were created equal and a choice for abortion were no more consequential than a choice to have her hair trimmed. An abortion isn’t an abortion, except to "inconsiderate" people who don’t think before speaking. No, an abortion is an "appointment" or a "procedure." Just get through this nasty little "procedure" and you’re free to "try again" for a "perfect" child.
The first step toward an abortion-free society may be educating people what an abortion is and stubbornly refusing to let it be redefined to mean anything that allows its practitioners to keep a clear conscience.
And she discusses trying again with her *boyfriend*?
I’m kinda shocked.
She called him her child– their child.
She dreamed of him.
They named him.
She was happy and excited to have a child.
And she knowingly killed him because it would be too much of a trial to let him live? With the failure rate on friggin’ Down’s test?
Why not just kill him because he might kill himself when he’s a teen? Makes about as much sense.
How tragic.
My wife and I would have adopted that child. She has worked with Down kids, and on the whole has found them delightful. Unfortunately we can’t afford even the price of the Catholic adoption services.
We were shocked at how much it cost to adopt a special needs child.
Pray for all involved, and especially the soul of this little one.
What really made me sick was the line, “We don’t want a life like that for our child…” Ah, so let’s kill him now so that he has no life at all! How compassionate!
And why is it, in our society, that wrenching emotion somehow validates any decision? This is not the first time I’ve encountered this attitude in print.
I’ve always thought that each archdiocese ought to have a fund to aid couples with adoption fees so that these children can be adopted by couples who otherwise couldn’t afford it. Certainly a better use of funds than some of the uses I’ve seen.
Not to mention that there is a lot one can do with downs syndrome nutritionally. (see NuTriVene.com or tri21.org)
What did she say… she’s sure pro-lifers don’t give women the right to grieve for the children they’ve aborted?
That’s a pretty broad generalization to make about such a large chunk of our nation’s population. Surely there are some people who’d just be angry with her, and who’d say she has no right to be sad about her own decision. But how can a journalist, of all people, judge a whole movement on the basis of a handful of experiences she’s had? Hasn’t she ever head of things like Rachel’s Vineyard or the many other healing apostolates? No right to grieve, my foot.
It’s the great tragedy of our time that Americans are not willing to try to understand each other. Both the pro-lifers who want to minimize this woman’s emotional struggle, and the pro-choicers who imagine that their political opponents are all cartoon characters, are to blame for this.
You know—I’ve been involved in pro-life efforts for a very long time. I’ve spent time with people in all corners of the pro-life movement, some of them a little wacky, some of them a lot wacky, some of them the most brilliant, compassionate, holy people I’ve ever met.
“I’m sure pro-lifers don’t you mourn your child,” she said. Well, that raises a question I’ve struggled with for a long time. They as as many as 1 in 4 women in America will undergo an abortion. We need to work ot stop this tirelessly. But in the meantime, the Church needs to be THE PLACE where post-abortion healing is available.
Praise God for those peope who dedicate themselves to the ministry of Project Rachel. Praise God for them. How can we bring this ministry to the forefront? How can we seperate it, in secular minds, from our “angry, screaming, clinic antics? (though, of course, anyone who goes to a clinic knows that is not the m.o. of most Catholics.)
What should we do?
I don’t wish to minimize the difficulty of such a situation, Nor do I want to be unsympathetic.
But when I read –
“We don’t want a life like that for our child”,
I can’t help but translate it as –
“We don’t want a child like that in our life.”.
The child already HAS a “life like that”, and ending it is certainly no favor to the child.
The child as a commodity….
You’d think she was talking about a pet chihuahuah.
She mentioned that she was anesthetized.
I wonder if they could find it in their ‘hearts’ to anesthetize the baby.
I’m sure pro-lifers don’t give you the right to grieve for the baby you chose not to bring into the world
Pro-lifers are about the only people in our culture that allow women who’ve had abortions to grieve. It’s abortion advocates who don’t allow post-abortive grief. It’s pro-lifers who write books like Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion!
The reason abortion is so hard to combat today is becasue so many Catholic priests see it is no big deal.
What is really tragic is some priests who are very pro life in public, are privately pro choice and often see no problem with abortion in certain cases. Such priests are in demand when Saturday confession is in session.
Condoning contraception is a pro death mentality and until that is changed, little progress can be made on the pro life front.
The fact that so few priests will preach against contraception or birth control is proof, in my opinion, that most condone it.
Tim, I think you’re reading it correctly, but there are two things I feel compelled to keep in mind:
1. Many people are not part of a culture that understands life to begin at conception. This means that, while they might know it intellectually, they don’t have the same reaction to it in their guts. It can be very tempting to fall into a pattern of thinking along the lines of “out of sight, out of mind.” So, yes, her child does already have a life like that– but she doesn’t necessarily realize it, or want to realize it.
2. Having a child with Down’s Syndrome must be a terribly trying thing in and of itself. The care and personal sacrifice that are involved must be tremendous, and parents who undertake it nothing short of heroic. But the Bible (and all of salvation history) is full of people who got cold feet when God called them to heroism. This woman made a very wrong choice– but that doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate and sympathize her feelings.
Come see what a ‘sacrifice’ it is to love and raise a child with Down syndrome. It is a myth….a big, fat, ugly myth. It is no different than raising any child…..yes, sometimes there are health issues and educational issues,,,,but if you are going to commit yourself to Mother,,,,then you Mother. It is not heroic or a sacrifice….but it surely is a blessing.
Please come read our blog and website…..see the beauty and magic in an extra chromosome.
“I’m sure pro-lifers don’t give you the right to grieve for the baby you chose not to bring into the world (another euphemism, although avoiding the word “abortion” doesn’t take any sting out of the decision to have one).”
I think that it’s evident, in both this story and the Katelyn Sills story, that the pro-abortionists really do believe the things they say about pro-lifers. Its a bit like the story where Jimmy Akin meets Jack Chick, and when Chick finds out he’s a Catholic evangelist, he asks whether he’s a Jesuit. They characterize pro-lifers as evil, maniacal, unforgiving, judgemental, and so forth. To a pro-lifer who has seen that only a small minority of pro-lifers are like that, it seems like a false characterization designed to mock and discredit us.
However, I think that the pro-abortionists, and even moderate pro-lifers (the sort who don’t get involved but think abortion is generally a bad thing) believe the characterization. I know that at protests you take on a certain blindness to decency on the other side…I was at the Walk for Life in San Francisco, and I can tell you all about the vulgarity and hatred that was spewed at us from the other side. However, there were probably a thousand abortion supporters there, and not all of them were vulgar and mean and cruel. I think it’s similar with pro-lifers: the pro-abortion crowd only remembers the bad ones.
In fact, post-abortion grief would likely not be tolerated by the proponents of abortion, wheras it would be tolerated and understood by most pro-lifers. This is simply logical: if you’re against abortion, it makes sense that you’d think it likely to cause grief. However, the stereotype says pro-lifers are harsh and judgemental, so naturally she assumes they wouldn’t allow her to grieve.
I was at the Walk for Life in San Francisco
Speaking of which: Everyone on the West Coast should be planning now to attend again this year! Go to Walk for Life West Coast‘s website for more information.
Tara, I admire your motherhood. The author of the article certainly betrayed hers. I hope we can both find some empathy for her weakness.
Telltale story. Over on The Christian Prophecy blog messages directly from the Holy Spirit shed new light on abortion, saying for one thing that it creates a world of distress and confusion.
The Walk for life is a great idea, but when NeoCons are involved, the agenda is subject to being controlled.
I think one of the great failures of the pro life movement is the interfaith jamboree that it becomes.
From my own experience, many of these movements are fertile hunting ground for aggressive evangelicals who are seeking membership in their groups, and the Catholics, ill formed in the faith, are often excellent prospects.
That is why I have always kept my pro life events mostly catholic and prohibited non Catholics from any sort of preaching.
That is why I have always kept my pro life events…
What events are those? The Bi-Monthly Tinfoil Hat Convention™?
Really, the word “abortion” is a euphemism, too. The word enables women to avoid acknowledging what their actions are really targetting — the baby — by referring only to the pregnancy, which is what is “aborted.” But a euphemism only serves its purpose as long as it allows people to forget what they’re talking about doing. Once the euphemism becomes associated with the taboo subject, it has to be replaced, I guess.
This discussion is very painful for me and polarizes the conversations re prenatal diagnosis. My husband and I decided to terminate a much-wanted pregnancy after my child was diagnosed with physical deformities which were “not compatible with life”. Those words are words an expectant couple never wants to hear — that your child has deformities that are ‘not compatible with life’. Our child would have died at delivery. Deciding to terminate the pregnancy and end my child’s life earlier than it would have ended on its’ own was the hardest thing I ever did. We chose to deliver our child, rather than the D&E procedure, so we were able to hold our child and say goodbye. At our child’s autopsy, all of the prenatal diagnoses were found to be accurate, plus more deformities that the doctors could not see in utero, confirming that our child would not have lived. I was lucky to get good prenatal care and discover the baby’s problems early on in the pregnancy. I grieve for our child every day. I accept the decision my husband and I made as the right one, so that our child’s suffering would end.
Speaking as the Father of an autistic seven year old little girl I condemn the murder of children who are regarded as less than “perfect”. OTOH I condemn the murder of all children.
God forgive this misguided & tragically confused woman.
Dittos, Jim. My eldest, 12, surely fits the bill for “less than perfect.” He has apraxia, which severely impacts his speech and motor coordination. I’m sure if there was a pre-natal test for his condition some people out there would use it to eliminate a kid like him, and the world would be a poorer place for it. God don’t make junk. He knows what He’s doing when He makes special needs kids.
Thanks Michelle, for drawing attention to the fact that this, like a lot of important matters today, is very much about language. If we can only turn our language in the direction of life and spirit that would be an important step.
Anonymous, whether or not your decision was the right one, what your child faced was clearly different than a life with Downs Syndrome. What people are discussing here doesn’t really apply. I hope you can find peace after such a heart-rending experience.
What events are those? The Bi-Monthly Tinfoil Hat Convention™?
Not quite.
But I doubt you have a interest in hearing about a 300 mile walk for life.
Abortion is not just a matter of black and white. I have two healthy children that I love very much. I have always been deeply opposed to abortion (particularly as a form of “birth control”). I still feel that abortion for nonmedical reasons is inherently wrong. However, my family recently experienced the loss of our baby. They found a growth in his brain that was continuing to grow rapidly crushing areas of the brain necessary for survival. Since then, I have met other women whose babies where missing a brain (ancephaly) or other horrendous, incurable problems that were not just “inconvinient” they were incompatable with life (ie the baby would suffer and die shortly after birth IF the baby was ‘lucky’ enough to survive the pregnancy).
Women are placed under general anesthetic for late term abortions but the baby’s heart is stopped prior to the abortion. It is a terrible nightmare. The pain of the “procedure” is beyond anything I have ever experienced mentally or physically. The physical pain is worse than natural childbirth with the added pain/suffering/anguish that at the end of the nightmare your child is not handed to you in a warm receiving blanket blinking up at you but instead turned into ash or burried.
I know I will be judged for this but I want to tell you…before you judge me..or others…think of my nightmare . I was given the “choice” to wait and watch while my son’s brain was crushed (with no way of medicine/surgery to stop it)by the thing lodged in his head..not knowing how he might suffer or stopping his heart..living a day knowing he died inside of me because of my “choice”..then being physically torn apart to remove him from me forever. Either way I would have lost him…either way there was pain. Tell me what the hell kind of “choice” that is?
By the way, all of this does apply. I don’t want to excuse or defend abortion in all circumstances but the fact is that it can be necessary. It is a horrible and cruel fact only made worse by those who abuse the issue on both sides. The laws in my area made it impossible for me to see a doctor I trusted to help me/my baby/my family through this time. I would have preferred delivery but was only given the option of D&E and travel out of state…and a hotel room and an insensitive clinic rather than a hospital and my home.
Why do this to a woman who is losing a baby she loves and wants in the first place? Isn’t the situation cruel enough without criminalizing or marginalizing us? Our insurance covered the abortion because of the complication and this was the option given to us by more than one specialist because of our son’s condition…yet we had to run away to get it done???
My husband and I were horrified by the number of women filing through the doors of the clinic for more “routine” abortions. The clinic was so full they told us that we couldn’t stay together during the process…or have a room alone. I couldn’t stand to be separated from my husband in addition to all of the physical pain..so we were given an office to sit in for hours while the last of the hormones dissolved in my mouth. No one there cared about our baby or our pain or grief. Our boy was just a “product of conception” to be removed. Bull, he was my sweet boy every bit as much as my other two children and every bit as real and loved…and deserving of more respect than he received!!
This process needs to be given back to real doctors in real hospitals in all states…not clinics. Abortion for medical reasons are enough of a nightmare without doing this to women. We’re not the ones to are “killing healthy babies”…we’re trapped between watching our baby suffer and die inside of us or shortly after..and ending a life and a pregnancy we dearly wanted and cared for.
Lady, it was only probable that your child would die as things were.
By killing him, you made it sure.
That’s blunt and cruel, but true.
It’s no different than shooting someone who is in a car crash where they are probably going to die by being removed. Probably, they will die no matter what. But shooting them removes even that tiny, thin thread of a chance.
From a Catholic POV, it’s a big “up yours, God. There’s no way you can fix THIS!”
I hope your heart heals up, and your mind gets straight.
I also wish I could give you a hug, because I think you’re in a great deal of pain and I wish you weren’t.
No, it is more like pulling a person off of life support that has no hope of a life not connected to tubes and ventilators. I suppose that is murder from a Catholic POV, too. As for the god everyone talks about, he is capricious at best and tyrannical at worst–if he even exists. Why does the “all mighty” need to fix his own handiwork? Just a thought here, but I think the blessed creator would have a lot more appreciation from people if he didn’t go around afflicting children with debilitating and lethal health issues in-utero. For now, it seems he relies on fear of burning in hell as a main tool for recruitment. Personally, I don’t need a god with the mentality of a sadistic child with an ant hill and a magnifying glass at his disposal nor do I need his “compassionate” followers who cannot see or feel anything beyond the tip of their own noses.
It’s very different from pulling a person off life support.
Because you never know, if you pull away the tubes and ventilators, the patient may just go on breathing. Karen Ann Quinlan lived for years after being taken off the ventilator.
I would have preferred delivery but was only given the option of D&E and travel out of state…and a hotel room and an insensitive clinic rather than a hospital and my home.
If you had shown up at the emergency room in labor, would they have turned you away?
“No hope.”
Like I said, a big F U.
Anon, if you’re not going to bother to read up on the POV of “why bad things happen” and instead stick to the classic “ooh, he don’t do what I want, he’s a hugely powerful brat!”, why are you here?
I’m an atheist so the “powerful brat” point is moot and pointless as is saying “FU” to a deity that I consider no more real than Mickey Mouse.
I’m here because it is cathartic to vent at windbags who try to force their version of reality and morality on every public, private and politcal matter they come into contact with because of some perceived superiority to the rest of us “poor saps”. There is no real point to it, it is kind of like chatting with a brick wall or screaming into a pillow, it is simply for the purpose of catharsis. I’m angry, frustrated and sad right now and I can’t think of better recipients of some of that anger than the hypocritical individuals that generally irritate me anyway. But, I do realize that 1) fair is a condition of the weather not life 2) screaming into pillows and chatting with brick walls doesn’t do much for either party.
I’ve said my peace. I’m sure you’ll go on about your morally superior lives, stamping out the sinners and such, entirely unaffected.
To be an athiest, one must believe:
1)That billions of years ago there ‘just happened’ to exist these abstract “somethings”
2)Which ‘just happened’ to be atoms
3)Which ‘just happened’ to get together
4)In ways which ‘just happened’ to look like natural laws
5)And that some of these configurations of atoms ‘just happened’ to develop into stars
6)And that atleast one of these stars ‘just happened’ to have planets
7)And that one of these planets ‘just happened’ to be exactly the right distance from this star that hydrogenmonoxide(water) could exist in a liquid state
8)And that this particular planet ‘just happened” to have certain exact concentrations of carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen
9)And that these molecules of carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen ‘just happened’ to get together to form amino acids
10)And that some of these amino acids ‘just happened’ to develop the ability to reproduce themselves
11)And that some of these organisms ‘just happened to develop the ability to evolve into more complex organisms
12)And that some of these organisms ‘just happened’ to develop self-awareness
13)And that one of these organisms ‘just happens’ to be you.
If you can believe all that(out of an infinite number of possibilities at each ‘just happened’) all I can say is: “Great is thy Faith!”
Yes, that just happens to sum it up. And, as it happens, I think that the uncertain and accidental nature of things still beats talking snakes and deities that go around zapping people.
Each to their own…
As for me, I’d rather live a life without dragons in my garage. As Carl Sagan once put it… “Now what is the difference between an invisible, incorporeal, floating dragon who spits heatless fire and no dragon at all? If there’s no way to disprove my contention, no conceivable experiment that would count against it, what does it mean to say that my dragon exists? You’re inability to invalidate my hypothesis is not at all the same thing as proving it true. Claims that cannot be tested, assertions immune to disproof are veridically worthless, whatever value they may have in inspiring us or in exciting our sense of wonder. What I’m asking you to do comes down to believing, in the absence of evidence, on my say-so.”
As Mr. Spock said to Dr. McCoy: “Please try to control your leaps of illogic.” Try to use your mind, instead of allowing your emotions to do your thinking for you(since emotions don’t have IQs), and show me where I got anything wrong. I can be convinced of anything with enough evidence, and of nothing without it.
Dear Anonymous,
You are here because you are “angry, frustrated and sad right now”. I appreciate your honesty about how you feel and your feelings toward us.
Even though you don’t believe in God, He believes in and loves you infinitely.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Take care and God bless.
J+M+J
“I don’t need a god with the mentality of a sadistic child with an anthill and a magnifying glass at his disposal”. “…a diety that I consider no more real than Mickey Mouse…” “…talking snakes and dieties that go around zapping people…” I don’t blame you for not believing in a god like that; I don’t either.