You say you’re desperate not to be published but that your manuscript is insistent that it is ready to be unleashed on an unsuspecting world. How do you satisfy your manuscript’s ambition to make the rounds of literary agencies and publishing houses while still ensuring that you will fulfill your own dream to remain unpublished? Screwtape has some advice for you on how to make sure you are rejected:
"We’ve often imagined ourselves giving a talk that would have a title along the lines of ‘How to Get Yourself Rejected.’ The target audience would be new writers, though we think everyone could stand to learn something from these tried and true secrets for ensuring rejection. In fact, if everybody applied these lessons to their daily lives, they’d be able to avoid that first date with a person to whom they’re attracted, that lucrative and promising job, that bank loan essential to achieving a dream, or whatever it is they claim to want — in other words, all those forms of success that complicate lives unnecessarily.
"But we’ll confine ourselves to encouraging writers with ways to get themselves turned down by agents or publishers, and trust that you’ll understand how to apply these lessons in a broader context. Nor are we going to insult anybody’s intelligence by telling you about the really basic, simple ways that a writer can ensure that no one will read her query letter, let alone her manuscript. We’re sure you already know about obvious things like using unusual fonts and paper, though we will point out that a really fuzzy, beat-up printer for your letter and manuscript is certainly a plus. Extra points if you could dig up a dot-matrix, though of course the real prize goes to those who handwrite their letters. That takes a special person."
[…]
"Anyway, you get the idea: do your worst, think only of yourself and not of the person reading your letter (let alone the person who supposedly will read your book), and you’re bound to fail admirably!"
For those who need a bit of tutoring in applying to the broader context, to which Screwtape alludes, take special note of that last paragraph. A sure-fire means of being rejected in any context is to not put yourself in the position of the person whom you want to accept you and think of those means by which you can make that person’s job or life easier. In the art of learning how to be rejected, selfishness and self-interest is a virtue.