A reader writes [with slight edits to preserve anonymity]:
"I’ve found my way back to the Church after being away since high school … and I absolutely love my faith now. I want to share it and am thinking about apologetics.
"Problem is, I did some really awful things back in high school and, even though I’ve gone to confession and received absolution, I still can’t get over the guilt. I’m really struggling with trying to be the person I want to be and trying to leave behind the person that I was.
"Any suggestions?"
First of all, welcome home! I hope you are able to make a go of apologetics. The Lord’s field is always in need of new harvesters.
As to your question, there is a difference between the will and the feelings. One cannot help what one feels. One can only choose what one wills. If you feel guilt for forgiven sins, even though you know on an intellectual level that your sins are forgiven, pray for the grace that your feelings will be ordered to what you know is objectively true. Recognize that being haunted by forgiven sins is, in reality, temptation to despair and will to reject such temptations. Offer up the pain that such temptations cause you to Jesus on the cross. Although Jesus himself never sinned, he knows what it feels like to be tempted (cf. Matt. 4:1-11, Heb. 4:15).
A helpful book for further reading might be Understanding Scrupulosity by Fr. Thomas M. Santa, C.Ss.R.
God bless, and I hope this helps!
Cool! Michelle’s got “Rule 20” faculties. Does that mean even Jimmy can’t contradict this post?
Recognize that being haunted by forgiven sins is, in reality, temptation to despair
This is, I think, a really important point. Out-of-sync feelings are not a sin in themselves, as Michelle says, but Satan and the devils will use them as an occasion to tempt you to commit other sins.
When you still feel guilty for sins already confessed, Satan will tempt you to despair.
When you don’t feel guilty for sins you haven’t confessed, Satan will tempt you not to confess.
It’s like what St. Ignatius teaches: Satan always tries to make the strict conscience stricter and the lax conscience even more lax.
When I experience out-of-sync feelings, I find that it helps to remind myself of the facts (I have already confessed, or I have not yet confessed) and resolve to go forward in doing good. Reject the temptation and move ahead! 🙂
I’m interested in the book Michelle mentions, too.
Definitely good advice. You might also want to do good works in the area that you screwed up in — not as formal reparation, since you already did that at Confession, but just as a nice gift to God. Collecting a few indulgences for the Poor Souls is also nice, especially if you donate them to souls who did the same kind of stuff you did. The good bit here is that then you’ll have their prayers to help you, also.
Also, you might think on the lives of some of the saints who were SPECTACULAR sinners. If they can get to Heaven, anybody can!
Also, you might want to try spending some time with Christ on the cross or in the Eucharist. If you remind yourself of what He did for us to take away our sins, it might help remind you that He did in fact take your sins away, and there’s no point guilting over ’em now.
You’re not in this alone. The whole Body of Christ and Christ Himself is with you. And this is the day that the Lord has made. Go and obsess no more!
All I want to add is that when your sins are forgiven, the are gone for good. It may be a healthy thing to remorse for the sins you have committed. The more I reflect on them, the more it helps me from committing those same sins again.
My two cents.
St. Augustine is my patron saint, partly because he led such a profligate life before his conversion (mostly because reading his “Confessions” played a big part in my own conversion).
If you were a serious sinner before, try to use this as a reason to rejoice! Look at how much God has helped you overcome! The Holy Spirit has done a great work in you.
If I may throw in advice from Fr. Michael Müller (and probably many others), the feeling of something is not the same as that thing. You don’t have to *feel* devoted when you go to Mass every day to *be* devoted, and neither do you have to feel forgiven to be forgiven. Ask Jesus often for an increase in your recognition of and life in His redeeming sacrifice, and He’ll never refuse you.
One of my favorite quotes to share with my cliens struggling with guilt comes from St. Augustine who wrote…
“The Apostle’s Creed says, ‘I believe in the forgiveness of sins.’ Then, let no one say, ‘I’ve committed this or that sin, maybe it won’t be forgiven me.’ Just what sin have you committed? Just how great a sin was it? …But tell me, have you killed Christ?
“No deed could be worse, because no one could be better than Christ. What a dreadful thing it would be to kill him! Yet afterward, many who had killed him believed on him and drank his blood in the Eucharist. So even they were forgiven the sin they had committed.”
-From St. Augustine’s Homily to the Catechumens.
pha said:
It’s like what St. Ignatius teaches: Satan always tries to make the strict conscience stricter and the lax conscience even more lax.
Wow! I have to read his exercises. . .
One sometimes encounters people who are “more Catholic than the Pope” (especially around Halloween) — and Ignatius seems to nail it on the head!
It becomes more than a personal issue when these kinds of people try to make others feel guilty for little reason.
Thanks, pha!
Better to hear it from the horse’s mouth….
Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius
To Perceive And Understand Scruples And Persuasions Of Our Enemy
Fourth Note. The fourth: The enemy looks much if a soul is gross or delicate, and if it is delicate, he tries to make it more delicate in the extreme, to disturb and embarrass it more. For instance, if he sees that a soul does not consent to either mortal sin or venial or any appearance of deliberate sin, then the enemy, when he cannot make it fall into a thing that appears sin, aims at making it make out sin where there is not sin, as in a word or very small thought.
If the soul is gross, the enemy tries to make it more gross; for instance, if before it made no account of venial sins, he will try to have it make little account of mortal sins, and if before it made some account, he will try to have it now make much less or none.
Fifth Note. The fifth: The soul which desires to benefit itself in the spiritual life, ought always to proceed the contrary way to what the enemy proceeds; that is to say, if the enemy wants to make the soul gross, let it aim at making itself delicate. Likewise, if the enemy tries to draw it out to extreme fineness, let the soul try to establish itself in the mean, in order to quiet itself in everything.
I committed terrible sins while I was lapsed, and I find that the existence of Purgatory is paradoxically very comforting. God’s mercy is infinite, but God’s justice is not mocked.
I know that I’m forgiven my hideous sins, but now as a truly believing Christian, I’m still outraged at them. I’m sickened and horrified at the insult to my Savior they are. I, too, have struggled with “trying to leave behind the person that I was.” But I am comforted by the knowledge that, as long as I persevere in faith and attempt to serve the Good, that God’s mercy and justice will combine to scour off the person that I was. The stains my sins left on me will be removed “as through fire.”
1st Corinthians 3:11-15
[11] For no other foundation can any one lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.
[12] Now if any one builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw —
[13] each man’s work will become manifest; for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done.
[14] If the work which any man has built on the foundation survives, he will receive a reward.
[15] If any man’s work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himself will be saved, but only as through fire.
I hope that some of the good I have done will win me reward. But frankly, when I remember certain of my sins, I hope I burn like an arc light. Because I know that “nothing unclean shall enter” Heaven (Rev 21:27), and at last I’ll be pure, pure enough to enter into the presence of the Living God. And you will too.
I will pray for you.
Very good advice.
Perhaps Too Much Information:
Someone in my life has an easy going personality and a sense of humor. Unfortunately, this manifests itself as playfully teasing people for their faults and mistakes.
I’ve flipped out and done a few things I regret–just angry hurtful stuff but nothing criminal–and I confessed such things and done a lot towards reparation, but this person will bring them up again periodically in a joking manner.
Sometimes all it is, is an overwhelmed crazy woman freaking out on television (comedy or drama). And this joker mentioned above, will point at me and nod with a grin. I need it to stop. And it’s cruel to have to be haunted by television stereotypes.
This not only comes close to provoking me, but it makes it very hard to avoid the temptation to despair. It’s as if I am being psyched into, or “fixed” into having some negative attribute, and no matter what I do, I won’t be left alone or really given a chance to have a different reputation, or to make reparation and feel satisfied with reasonable attempts, instead of feeling doomed. Crap comes up that happened nine *years* ago when I was only 24. I can think for months at a time that everything’s fine, and then get slammed again.
It only makes me feel worse, and closer to the sin, which becomes magnified and made out to seem like it’s on-going problem when it actually isn’t. Good months and years can go by, deflated by just one joke. Constant reminders of mistakes has a way of pushing a person back down. It’s just joking, but it is a subtle and cruel sort. The message is, “You are like this , and you’ll never be different.” Joke about crazy people on TV enough and a person will start to believe it about themselves, on some level.
When someone forgives another person close to them, it’s very important to let go of what happened when one is able. Just drop it. Leave it in the past, if you want them to have the chance to change . Reparation needs a fair chance, and if you don’t give the chance, a person might be tempted to stop trying. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. That can only be ultimately damaging. A person like me can learn to gain more control over their choices, for sure, but you’d be making it a lot harder on them to learn and do this consistently if you never let go. If you want them to learn control, patience, and kindness and have it come more naturally to them, SHOW THEM those attributes consistently. Make them FORGET what it’s like to be any other way.
Parents are bad with this, too. In some parents’ eyes, “Mikey is the shy one”, “Brandon is the temperamental one”, even if you change so much after moving out that you are barely recognizable, inside and out. Parents have an extremely difficult time letting go of their kid-specific prejudices.
Related to that (I don’t speak from personal experience here), I always thought that the worst thing twelve-step programs make you do is say, “Hello, my name is ____ and I am a _____”. That’s AWFUL. Maybe it’s appropriate in the beginning, but in the long term, it’s humbling at best, and conducive to despair at worst.
“Sometimes all it is, is an overwhelmed crazy woman freaking out on television.”
Was that the insane woman on “Trading Spouses” on FOX?
The simple solution is to stop watiching those kinds of shows or stop watching TV all together. This will avoid those comparisons over time.
The thing is, not to put too fine a point on it, but I really mean DVDs we rent. We don’t watch TV but once every couple of months, not even for the news. We’ll flip through and turn it off because there is usually nothing good on, but we might stop and watch a documentary.
And with a new movie, you never really know what you’re going to get, in enough detail anyway.
Last time this happened was very recent, when we watched the wife, Karen, freaking out on Goodfellas.
I’ve flipped out and done a few things I regret–just angry hurtful stuff but nothing criminal–and I confessed such things and done a lot towards reparation, but this person will bring them up again periodically in a joking manner.
Sometimes all it is, is an overwhelmed crazy woman freaking out on television (comedy or drama). And this joker mentioned above, will point at me and nod with a grin. I need it to stop. And it’s cruel to have to be haunted by television stereotypes.
Ask the person, politely but forthrightly, to stop. If they don’t stop, remind them. If they still don’t, tell them forcefully to stop. If they still won’t stop after you’ve straightforwardly asked them several times, don’t spend time with the person.
If you do not frankly ask them to stop, don’t expect any changes. You should always tell someone when you’re having a problem like this, and preferably much sooner rather than later.
One suggestion I would make, is that the questioner examine why he feels guilty. Even though forgiven by God through the Church, perhaps the questioner feels that there were some sins were committed against individuals and that forgiveness from them should be sought? Or that, in justice, some restoration should be made?
It’s not unusual for penances to be very pro forma, and perhaps this questioner should look to correcting some past injustices…not to win forgiveness, but to balance the books as it were.