Category: Marriage Involvement

A reader writes:

My brother  was raised catholic and has received 4 sacraments. He is now a non practicing catholic, but has not left the Church by any formal decree. he is getting married in a month in a protestant church and has asked me, my wife and our 3 children to stand up for him in the wedding. His future wife was baptized in the catholic church, but was raised in a somewhat anti-catholic family. I know his wedding is invalid. What does the Church say or teach on family members participating in an invalid wedding?

Present ecclesiastical law does not specifically address the situation, which means that we have to fall back on the principles of moral theology to help us settle the question.

It seems to me that "standing up for" someone at a wedding involves one in the ceremony in a formal way that goes beyond merely attending the wedding.

I cannot recommend attending a wedding that is known to be invalid. To do so lends one’s presence to a false union and thus constitutes an offense against the truth. It sends the message to the couple that either their union is valid, when it is not, or that what they are doing doesn’t really matter–otherwise you wouldn’t be there.

Since I can’t recommend attending an invalid wedding, I also cannot recommend becoming formally involved in it, as standing up for a member of the couple would imply.

Involving one’s children in such a situation also could send them a very bad message since, even though they may not understand about valid or invalid marriages right now, they will come to understand them with time (if they are properly educated in the faith, at any rate), and at that point they will remember that their parents involved them in such a ceremony.

You say that your brother has not "left the Church by any formal decree." I should point out that a decree is not necessary. For the wedding to be valid, your brother and his fiancee would have had to defect from the Church by a formal act (such as formally joining another church with the intent of no longer being Catholic), but it doesn’t have to be by the issuing of a decree. I’d therefore ask them more about their current religious status before concluding for certain that the marriage is invalid.

However, if the circumstances of the wedding are as you describe, I could not recommend that you or your family participate in it. I know that it would be hard to refuse your brother’s request, and I would explain to him as gently and lovingly as possible that you can’t do it because you care about him and need to be honest with him about the situation.

Wish I had better news, but I hope this helps.

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A reader writes:

My brother  was raised catholic and has received 4 sacraments. He is now a non practicing catholic, but has not left the Church by any formal decree. he is getting married in a month in a protestant church and has asked me, my wife and our 3 children to stand up for him in the wedding. His future wife was baptized in the catholic church, but was raised in a somewhat anti-catholic family. I know his wedding is invalid. What does the Church say or teach on family members participating in an invalid wedding?

Present ecclesiastical law does not specifically address the situation, which means that we have to fall back on the principles of moral theology to help us settle the question.

It seems to me that "standing up for" someone at a wedding involves one in the ceremony in a formal way that goes beyond merely attending the wedding.

I cannot recommend attending a wedding that is known to be invalid. To do so lends one’s presence to a false union and thus constitutes an offense against the truth. It sends the message to the couple that either their union is valid, when it is not, or that what they are doing doesn’t really matter–otherwise you wouldn’t be there.

Since I can’t recommend attending an invalid wedding, I also cannot recommend becoming formally involved in it, as standing up for a member of the couple would imply.

Involving one’s children in such a situation also could send them a very bad message since, even though they may not understand about valid or invalid marriages right now, they will come to understand them with time (if they are properly educated in the faith, at any rate), and at that point they will remember that their parents involved them in such a ceremony.

You say that your brother has not "left the Church by any formal decree." I should point out that a decree is not necessary. For the wedding to be valid, your brother and his fiancee would have had to defect from the Church by a formal act (such as formally joining another church with the intent of no longer being Catholic), but it doesn’t have to be by the issuing of a decree. I’d therefore ask them more about their current religious status before concluding for certain that the marriage is invalid.

However, if the circumstances of the wedding are as you describe, I could not recommend that you or your family participate in it. I know that it would be hard to refuse your brother’s request, and I would explain to him as gently and lovingly as possible that you can’t do it because you care about him and need to be honest with him about the situation.

Wish I had better news, but I hope this helps.

20

A reader writes:

I understand that Catholics are supposed to obtain a dispensation
to get married in a non-Catholic ceremony. I have a Catholic cousin
who will soon marry a Lutheran man in a Lutheran Church, and I understand
the groom-to-be’s mother is very adamant about it being that way. I asked the
bride-to-be’s grandfather (who is Catholic) if she obtained a dispensation, and he
said they claim the marriage will get blessed by the Catholic Church "later".

I really don’t
know all that’s being done to "keep the peace" or what was said by the local
    priest about a dispensation. They live hundreds of miles away and I have no idea
what kind of "practicing Catholic" the bride-to-be is. My dilemma is: Can I attend
this wedding?  Can I send a gift?

If no dispensation was obtained, but only a promise to "take care of things later" was
made, the wedding would still be "illicit" in form, right?  If the priest promises to
bless the marriage later, is that a valid dispensation?

Unless the Catholic party has received a dispensation from the obligation to observe the Catholic form of marriage then the marriage in question will not only be illicit, it will be invalid. What a priest may say is irrelevant. The diocese, not the local parish, must grant the dispensation. Promises by a priest to convaidate ("bless") the marriage later also do nothing to change the fact that the marriage will be invalid at the time it is contracted.

This means that no actual marital union will be established between the parties and they will be objectively fornicating until such time as they get their marital situation rectified.

Because of this, I cannot recommend that you attend the wedding or otherwise celebrate it (e.g., by giving a gift).

By being frank (but gentle and compassionate with them) about your reasons for not attending or otherwise celebrating the union, you would be performing an act of charity toward them by indicating (a) indicating to them that they are not really getting married and that what they would be doing after the service is objectively siful and (b) that someone in the family is willing to act in accordance with the truth instead of pretending that their "we’ll get it blessed later" plan is okay when it is not. Sometimes people need the example of others standing up for what is right before they’re willing to stand up for what is right themselves.

If they do proceed with their plan and, at some later date, have their marriage convalidated in the Catholic Church, at that time it would be appropriate to send gifts, etc.

Hope this helps!

20

A reader writes:

I understand that Catholics are supposed to obtain a dispensation

to get married in a non-Catholic ceremony. I have a Catholic cousin

who will soon marry a Lutheran man in a Lutheran Church, and I understand

the groom-to-be’s mother is very adamant about it being that way. I asked the

bride-to-be’s grandfather (who is Catholic) if she obtained a dispensation, and he

said they claim the marriage will get blessed by the Catholic Church "later".

I really don’t

know all that’s being done to "keep the peace" or what was said by the local

    priest about a dispensation. They live hundreds of miles away and I have no idea

what kind of "practicing Catholic" the bride-to-be is. My dilemma is: Can I attend

this wedding?  Can I send a gift?

If no dispensation was obtained, but only a promise to "take care of things later" was

made, the wedding would still be "illicit" in form, right?  If the priest promises to

bless the marriage later, is that a valid dispensation?

Unless the Catholic party has received a dispensation from the obligation to observe the Catholic form of marriage then the marriage in question will not only be illicit, it will be invalid. What a priest may say is irrelevant. The diocese, not the local parish, must grant the dispensation. Promises by a priest to convaidate ("bless") the marriage later also do nothing to change the fact that the marriage will be invalid at the time it is contracted.

This means that no actual marital union will be established between the parties and they will be objectively fornicating until such time as they get their marital situation rectified.

Because of this, I cannot recommend that you attend the wedding or otherwise celebrate it (e.g., by giving a gift).

By being frank (but gentle and compassionate with them) about your reasons for not attending or otherwise celebrating the union, you would be performing an act of charity toward them by indicating (a) indicating to them that they are not really getting married and that what they would be doing after the service is objectively siful and (b) that someone in the family is willing to act in accordance with the truth instead of pretending that their "we’ll get it blessed later" plan is okay when it is not. Sometimes people need the example of others standing up for what is right before they’re willing to stand up for what is right themselves.

If they do proceed with their plan and, at some later date, have their marriage convalidated in the Catholic Church, at that time it would be appropriate to send gifts, etc.

Hope this helps!

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