Like . . . Whatever!

Analogies and metaphors supposedly found in high school essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

NOTE!: Add your own humorous metaphors and similies in the combox!

Author: Jimmy Akin

Jimmy was born in Texas, grew up nominally Protestant, but at age 20 experienced a profound conversion to Christ. Planning on becoming a Protestant seminary professor, he started an intensive study of the Bible. But the more he immersed himself in Scripture the more he found to support the Catholic faith, and in 1992 he entered the Catholic Church. His conversion story, "A Triumph and a Tragedy," is published in Surprised by Truth. Besides being an author, Jimmy is the Senior Apologist at Catholic Answers, a contributing editor to Catholic Answers Magazine, and a weekly guest on "Catholic Answers Live."

19 thoughts on “Like . . . Whatever!”

  1. “The ship hung in the air much in the same way that bricks don’t.”
    -Douglas Adams: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

  2. Sorry, but most of these are FAR too literate to have been written by high-schoolers today. Most of them actually have, for example, subjects and verbs in the same sentence. A few of them are jokes I’ve already heard.

  3. Ed Peters’ comment was as welcome as that picture of John Kerry in a bunny suit was to his campaign manager.

  4. These are hilarious, but they sound more like Bulwer-Lytton Contest entries than high school productions (unless of course the kids are fans of the “Dark and Stormy Night” collections).

  5. Those sound like the jokes we’d pull in our AP essays because we were sooo bored, and it was easy…and we were bored..and so we’d do silly things to give the graders a laugh, and see who came up with the “best” worse joke in theirs…
    And my friends and I all passed the things, so *shrug*

  6. When I read those I laughed till I cried. The tears rolled down my cheeks like the italics in this comments box.

  7. hmmm…well, here’s one that came to me in a dream, and woke me up laughing:
    “He had a face like the glyph for the Mayan god of Ugly.”
    (Btw, I intend to use it one of these days, so remember it’s mine!)

  8. George Costanza: “The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli”

  9. I haven’t gotten much done. Basically nothing noteworthy going on right now, but shrug. I can’t be bothered with anything recently. I guess it doesn’t bother me. Maybe tomorrow. I feel like a bunch of nothing.

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